To still expect a financial contribution from DH ?

[JoanCandy]

My DH is a good bloke, on the whole. We get on well, have lots in common and he has a good relationship with my DD (you'll see why that's important in a bit), however, he has never been the reliable type when it comes to working, paying bills, paying his way etc. The lion's share of it all has always fallen on me to sort out. I work p/t and receive carers benefits as I am a carer for my 21 yo DD who has quite profound learning difficulties and disabilities.

He recently inherited some money, £28,000 to be exact. He gave me £20,000 and kept the other £8,000 for himself – all his choice, I didn't ask for anything.

Sounds great, right ?

I worked out that in the 15 years we've been together (very off and on for the last few years !) £20,000 only amounts to a bit more than £100.00 a month. Trust me when I tell you that I have always paid the rent, bills, council tax, moving costs and deposits (rental) when we've moved house, booked and paid for holidays, even paid his car expenses from time to time to keep his vehicle roadworthy (so, tax, insurance, MOT, work on the cars). He has very occasionally given me a few hundred £'s here and there when he's been earning but it's nothing like the amount that I have shelled out over the years and so, to me, this £20,000 is just him paying his dues finally (even though it doesn't cover anywhere near the whole lot).

OK, I'm thinking, clean slate. I feel that he should start giving me a regular amount of money towards the household. I don't believe it should be 50/50 as he doesn't bring home that much but – say – a 70/30 share sounds fair – for example : Rent is £675.00 pcm so going forward I'll pay £472.50 (70%) and he pays £202.50 (30%).

Trouble is, he gets incredibly defensive whenever I even try to talk about all of this ! Since we got the inheritance (and before that to be honest) I have tried to ask him what we do going forward, the money won't last for ever and I want to hang onto it for as long as I can but he cuts me off, saying things like 'What's wrong now ?!' or 'I'm not discussing this now.' He clearly thinks that he's 'shut me up' by giving it to me and I've got no reason to be (as he sees it) 'complaining'.

So – AIBU to want to still get some sort of regular and consistent payment from him in the future ?

What does he bring to the relationship? Does he make you feel good? Help you decompress from looking after your DD?
Your OP reads like he is not her dad- but does he help in any way- mentally or physically?
Why doesn’t he work more?

if he left tomorrow, honestly, how would you feel ? ( you don’t have to tell MN, just think about it)

Hi - no, he's her step-dad. He helps a lot with things like mealtimes and generally just being there for her if I'm working (I work p/t).
He's a tradesman and works for himself but over the years it's just dwindled away to him not looking for much work and only doing the odd day here and there. He says he wants to 'wind down' (he was never very 'wound up' in the first place 🙄) now he's in his late 50's.

Pay off as much debt/mortgage/add to gas electric accounts etc with the money

Then say you need to set up a direct debit to cover your half going forward or we're finished

He's a tradesman and works for himself but over the years it's just dwindled away to him not looking for much work and only doing the odd day here and there.

well of course it dwindled down - he realised he could just live off of you. I suppose in his favour he did give you the 20k. But I don't know many people who only spent 20k to keep themselves over the course of 15 years! I dunno OP. Is he worth all of this?

Trust me when I tell you that I have always paid the rent, bills, council tax, moving costs and deposits (rental) when we've moved house, booked and paid for holidays, even paid his car expenses from time to time to keep his vehicle roadworthy (so, tax, insurance, MOT, work on the cars).

Why?

Well wow, what a gem!
Another thought, if hes late 50's and is already winding down, if he hasnt been good with money does he have any pension provisions? ..... otherwise hes gonna be sponging off you for the rest of his days.

If you married
It s all one pot ?
You pay he pay who cares?

I don't think 'you should do this' is a helpful way to have a conversation, but obvs a conversation needs to be had.

Along the lines of... do we want to stay together, yes, so how are we going to make finances work for our family moving forward, and into the future and retirement. Then you can both say what you want, what you're prepared to commit to, how things will work etc.

No, he doesn't owe you anything, you've freely given up til now, it was your choice, and he has relied on you. It's your choice as to whether or not you want to continue.

I love that - ‘he was never very wound up in the first place’

You suggest asking him for 30% - I am guessing as DD lives with you , you don’t want to ask for 50%, but if he cannot pay his 1/3 share then he needs to ‘wind’ himself up a bit more - there is no reason for you to subsidise him.

He doesn’t sound like a catch to be honest 🤨

Do you think that he should have given all of It? I am the other side of it , as I was a SAHM for most of our marriage, doing jobs here and there as suited the childcare issues. So my STBX could argue that he kept me for all those years. However, I also inherited and it was all family money as far as I was concerned. Were you OK being the main earner ? Sounds like he did the same as I did . I don't think it matters who is the earner , once it is agreed . If he is good to you , your kids and is kind and respects you , sound like you have a good deal. Perhaps if you can , ask him to spend his amount on a joint thing that will benefit you all.

Totally get your side but in fairness to him, he did just give you £20k, more than what he kept for himself, so I think that should cover him for at least 6 months, maybe a bit more.. Payments after that - I'm not sure if anything will change if he's not motivated to change it, considering his age also. He should contribute more and regularly.

This isn’t a relationship - it’s more like a parent child relationship.

You have made a poor choice by your own admission. You can’t make him change so either you decide on your boundaries, enforce them and break up when he inevitably fails to improve. Or you put up with it.

Either way what a complete waste of a life.

I think OP cares because he is a tight lazy cock lodger

How did this situation even come about?? Did he just come over to yours and never go home again one day and you never asked him how he was planning to contribute to the bills?

Of course he should work more and pay his way. Unfortunately, you’re in a pretty weak position, you’re married and legally everything you have is joint if he decides he’d rather leave you than cough up.

Then
She needs to divorce him

Were you going to suggest any of this before the inheritance as you seem to have paid tge majority for a long time?

What's he planning to live off, once he retires? Or rather, WHO is he planning to live off?

You know the answer already, don't you? Get rid. You and your daughter will have a much better quality of life without him draining your resources.

He is in his late 50's with very ingrained behavior, getting him to change is going to be very hard work indeed.
Why do you have more motivation to tackle this situation now?

To be honest it's a bit late to start griping at him now. Late 50s tradesman.....you've enabled his behaviour and his ethos around working and paying bills. He won't change now

Thanks for the replies so far.
I've asked myself often how we've ended up like this. I blame myself, I've let the situation build up and get out of hand and I've never wanted to have debts piling up or rent arrears. If I don't sort this stuff myself then it doesn't get sorted, simple as that.

Does he have a pension? If he's 'winding down', how does he plan to support himself?

At various points over the years I've tried to force a change to happen but, as I put in my OP, he closes the conversation down or he will change for a bit (to shut me up I suppose) but then the situation reverts back.

If you pressed him for a date and time when you can discuss the matter, what do you think he would say?

I think you need to do this.

You need to rell him why you feel the current situation isn't working out.
Sit down and think about this.

He's not doing much with his time but you are still only able to work part time because of caring duties.

He's dragging the family unit down financially by not making the effort to earn. He could be raking in money these days.

Would you be better off financially without him or just the same?

What does he bring to your life?

Hi - nope, he doesn't have anything aside from this bit of money he's just been given.

Trouble is, he gets incredibly defensive whenever I even try to talk about all of this!

Of course. He gets defensive and upset to shit you up and it clearly works. Why have you been such a mug for so bloody long? You're husband is a cocklodger and you have allowed it.