To still expect a financial contribution from DH ?

[JoanCandy]

My DH is a good bloke, on the whole. We get on well, have lots in common and he has a good relationship with my DD (you'll see why that's important in a bit), however, he has never been the reliable type when it comes to working, paying bills, paying his way etc. The lion's share of it all has always fallen on me to sort out. I work p/t and receive carers benefits as I am a carer for my 21 yo DD who has quite profound learning difficulties and disabilities.

He recently inherited some money, £28,000 to be exact. He gave me £20,000 and kept the other £8,000 for himself – all his choice, I didn't ask for anything.

Sounds great, right ?

I worked out that in the 15 years we've been together (very off and on for the last few years !) £20,000 only amounts to a bit more than £100.00 a month. Trust me when I tell you that I have always paid the rent, bills, council tax, moving costs and deposits (rental) when we've moved house, booked and paid for holidays, even paid his car expenses from time to time to keep his vehicle roadworthy (so, tax, insurance, MOT, work on the cars). He has very occasionally given me a few hundred £'s here and there when he's been earning but it's nothing like the amount that I have shelled out over the years and so, to me, this £20,000 is just him paying his dues finally (even though it doesn't cover anywhere near the whole lot).

OK, I'm thinking, clean slate. I feel that he should start giving me a regular amount of money towards the household. I don't believe it should be 50/50 as he doesn't bring home that much but – say – a 70/30 share sounds fair – for example : Rent is £675.00 pcm so going forward I'll pay £472.50 (70%) and he pays £202.50 (30%).

Trouble is, he gets incredibly defensive whenever I even try to talk about all of this ! Since we got the inheritance (and before that to be honest) I have tried to ask him what we do going forward, the money won't last for ever and I want to hang onto it for as long as I can but he cuts me off, saying things like 'What's wrong now ?!' or 'I'm not discussing this now.' He clearly thinks that he's 'shut me up' by giving it to me and I've got no reason to be (as he sees it) 'complaining'.

So – AIBU to want to still get some sort of regular and consistent payment from him in the future ?

*Shut you up. To shit you up would be gross. 🤣

How did you get to the point where he didn't pay for anything? Completely unfair on you imo, but also you accepted this for years.

So he’s expecting to live off you then?

Im considering winding down in the next few years ( mid 50s now). I will draw my work pension plus I have a separate stakeholder pension plus I will work part time on something. I will not expect my DH to increase his contribution to household funds so that I can knock off work.

See the difference? He’s taking the proverbial.

I thought I was too old to be shocked anymore.

Nope, I am fucking astounded.

You've been with this freeloading wankbadger for 15 years.

15 fucking years.

I have no advice to offer cos there's no bloody point.

The nicknames are great - 'wankbadger' 😆
Everything everyone is saying is true, I'm not gonna argue - I know I have been a complete mug.
I've also been trying to keep a roof over my DD's head and not run up any debt or arrears.
We have split up and got back together a couple of times, things change for a bit and then revert back and I'm so worn down by it all I just let it slide.
There's fault on both sides, I know that.

Time to get rid. He needs to move out and rent his own place and buy his own food and pay his own council tax.

You need to stay strong and don’t get back together

All those months he didn’t pay his share has taken away money and time and experiences you could have had with your Dd
Put a stop to it now

You are married to this guy and he's always been like this and never contributed properly ? What on earth made you marry him?

How on earth have you paid all the rent, bills etc on a part time wage low enough to claim carers allowance and the carers allowance ? Do you get a significant amount of other benefits/ housing benefits too because otherwise I don't understand how you do this ? If you are claiming other benefits too how on earth does he get away with working one day a week, he would not be able to get away with this on universal credit, maybe on legacy benefits

Just a few clarification questions

You say DH. So are you married?
You said rent - is that private rental or council house or something else? Are you planning on being there for ever?
How many hrs per week does he care for your disabled daughter?

And finally, what do you want long term? What do you think your finances might look like in 10 years? Or when you retire? Will you have any pension?

Well the £20k is the best you're going to get out of him OP, so I would suggest separating whilst you're quids in.

ZOMBIE

I think the inheritance is a red herring and just brought the situation to a head.

if he is incompetence with money, you need to set up a direct debit so his share goes into the family pot. Use a budget planner (see Moneysavingexpert) to work out the cost of things, then split the expenses 50:50, or 60:40 to factor in your daughter. He pays his 50% straight into the account, and then you endsure all the bills etc are paid.

Make a list of all the things you pay and stick it in his lunch box with the bottom line underlined.

Leave it to sink in for a couple of days and suggest that he either step up or leave. It's a long time til he's 67 and an OAP.

I'm baffled how (and why) you afford to pay for pretty much everything, yet only work part time. I'll assume that you do the bulk of care for your daughter. I don't necessarily mean the hands on practical bit, I mean eg being the responsible adult in the home.
I'd say £200 towards the rent I'd reasonable plus 1/3 utilities and 1/3 food. No normal person could present a reasonable argument otherwise. If your daughter's needs increase the cost (eg additional water/heating etc) then she should contribute a bit more.

Why 60 40. Surely 1/3 each.