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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do with overly sensitive child?

51 replies

BabyChickenHead · 05/08/2022 14:40

My daughter is 8.

She is painfully shy, so so sensitive and very anxious. I have no idea why she is this way but I just don’t know what to do. She may possibly have additional needs. She’s very bright and can be very sociable (more so with adults than with other children).

I’m just watching her miss out on life and I feel so frustrated. She is so unlike any member of my family. I’ve also wasted so much money now on clubs and things she wants to do but when we get there she refuses to go in. She won’t join in with other children. I signed her up for summer science camps which she would absolutely love but she’s now refusing to go. I’ve paid for a term of gymnastics which is something else she really loves but it’s really hit and miss on whether she will actually stay or join in. 180 quid is a lot of money to pay for her to just sit in a corner sucking her thumb.
I’ve tried ear defenders because she says everything’s too loud, I’ve tried staying with her at places, I’ve tried leaving and hoping she joins in. Nothing is working. She kicks off every morning when I go to work as she says she misses me so much, however she doesn’t want to spend time with me when I am home.

We’re both quite miserable. I just don’t know how to handle it. I’ve tried doing small risks with her to try and build her confidence but it just won’t work. Camhs have seen her and aren’t interested. School have added her to their sen register but nothing really is happening.

I do a lot with her one on one to try and build her confidence but it’s not getting us anywhere. I have another child too that I need to spend time with and I also just need a break. She wants to do ballet, choir, karate etc but won’t even go to a free trial session. I want her to do peforming arts classes as they work wonders for building confidence and it’s all stuff that she loves and will meet like minded children and hopefully make some friends, but I just can’t get her to go and even just try it.

Does anyone else have a child similar? How do you manage it. I feel like she’s going to be home with me forever.

OP posts:

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 14:40

Is she an only child perhaps?

bridgetreilly · 05/08/2022 14:42

@Alfenstein from the OP, I have another child too.

TheGrumpiest · 05/08/2022 14:52

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 14:40

Is she an only child perhaps?

🙄

I have a very similar sounding daughter OP. We would go to parties and she would sit on my knee. We would try lots of clubs and she would sit on my knee and refuse to join in. She is 11 now and has gained a lot more confidence in the last three years (despite the various lock downs) and is more willing to try new things and is far less clingy. I wonder if some children just take longer to gain confidence in themselves? I think you just have to keep on encouraging her. It's very fustrating when you see other kids just taking part in things without hesitation. I often screamed inwardly. I think patience and understanding go a long way.

Hope things work out for you guys.

SallyWD · 05/08/2022 15:01

My son is 9 and is exactly like this (apart from the being more sociable with adults part). He's painfully shy, very sensitive and anxious. He does swimming but refuses to do anything else. Honestly - I don't know what the answer is. I've just accepted this is the way he is. He's definitely improved throughout childhood but I worry that puberty will set him back as teenagers can be very self conscious. All I know to do is to love him and accept him. I don't try and change him. I do try and build his confidence with lots of positive feedback. I encourage play dates etc to help him be more sociable. He's very easily upset so I've learnt how to handle him with great sensitivity. Most of the time he's a happy and funny little boy but he struggles with many aspects of life.

haku89 · 05/08/2022 15:01

I don't have personal experience, but this book might be helpful - www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms/dp/0007163932

DFOD · 05/08/2022 15:01

She sounds like she has sensory issues (noisy) which might be an indication of being ND.

Many ND children have an emotional development delay. My DD was similar and it was counterproductive when I tried to get her to do stuff that other DCs her age were doing. She is SEN and when I saw her as being socially about 3 years behind and worked with that she flourished. She has “caught up” now - and only joined clubs at university at the age of 20! But giving her space to be where she was regardless of her age and adjusting expectations allowed her to develop at her own pace rather than be stressed and pressured. I have seen this pattern with other children of my friends who were late to bloom socially. Best to take the pressure off. I have 4 DC and she was v different from the others - but has come into her own and can cope socially now.

Hankunamatata · 05/08/2022 15:02

Friend had great success with play therapist with her daughter. They did an hour a week playing while talking about to each other. Then they set small weekly goals that they decided together.

I do get it as I have one anxious child but I'm so lucky his brothers drag him along and act as a safety blanket.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 15:05

If there is another child this actually might make things easier

Especially if they are not also shy, as they can sometimes be the door opener for the 8 yo.

Depending on how old they are of course. If the other child is very young it can sometimes be that the older child has been raised as an only for so long that it's hard to broaden their social awareness.

Op- does she have any hobbies that she is really invested in, or any interest that could be a bridge with other children if they're interested in the same things?

minipie · 05/08/2022 15:11

Probably a red herring but just to check - have you had sight and hearing checked as issues with these can make kids reluctant to join in with groups? (I know hearing sounds unlikely if she’s complaining about loudness, but it’s not impossible).

Sensory and social issues are more likely but just something to check off.

Original poster

BabyChickenHead · 05/08/2022 15:15

Other child is a baby, but she does use him a safety bla let which I’m trying to stop because i also don’t want it to adversely effect him.

Theres loads she wants to do! But when it actually comes to it she won’t. She fell off her bike once 3 years ago and had refused to try it again since. If I take her swimming she just clings to my neck and won’t let go so it’s just a horrible experience for us both. If I take her to the park she stands there and refuses to go on anything. Gymnastics she loved but so hit and miss. She used to do stagecoach but then we moved and she refuses to try the new venue and that’s very expensive so can’t afford for that to be a waste.

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyChickenHead · 05/08/2022 15:15

She does have an eye test booked next week actually as school have reported she can’t see the board.

OP posts:

maranella · 05/08/2022 15:19

You say she may have additional needs, but that CAMHS assessed her and don't want to see her again - so what did they say?

Also, you say that she's not like anyone on your side of the family, but what about her DF's family? Is he around and does her behaviour remind him of anyone?

I can totally understand why you're feeling frustrated, but some DC are just really shy. My DSis was very shy as a young DC and she's a quiet, introverted adult. You say she's very anxious - what's is she like at school? Have you chatted to her teachers about strategies that might help a shy, anxious DC?

Wnikat · 05/08/2022 15:22

I was recommended collaborative parenting and PACE for these kind of issues and it does seem to have really helped.

ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/

Allmarbleslost · 05/08/2022 15:26

How about accepting her for who she is rather than trying to turn her into someone else op?

if she does have SEN no amount of forcing her to do this stuff will make it any easier for her.

Laiste · 05/08/2022 15:26

I can remember going through a long stage like this myself. Maybe till 10/11 ish.

I would have said yes, i want to do x, y z, but would have been too painfully shy to go in. My mother signed me up for brownies and i found it torture. I think i only attended 3 meetings. I would cry when it was time to get ready to go.

At 5/6 i used to cry and cry at lunch time at school every.single.day, and the school tried everything to help. The attention just made it worse! I can remember crying. I hated the whole noisy hall, the lining up, the smell, just all the expectations of it all. In the end i was given special permission to go home for lunch (10 min walk away) and i can remember the pure joy and relief. I continued going home for lunch till secondary school. By then i was fine!

I've got 4 DDS. No.3 was a bit she and home loving when she was primary age too. I allowed her to do as little or as much as she liked. She's a gobby 23 year old now 😀

So - longwinded, sorry, my advice is to wait and see a bit longer. 8 is on the cusp of a new phase. Don't push too hard. Pull back and let her be happy being a home bird for now.

Laiste · 05/08/2022 15:28

Oh can i add - i was that shy kid in the late 70s. There was v little 'help' back then.

I slowly grew right out of it all after year 1 at secondary. And was wild through the 80s

Jumpstark · 05/08/2022 15:30

What about some solo activities to build her confidence? - music or singing lessons. Maybe she would prefer something with a very small group. Some people find big groups overwhelming.

Laiste · 05/08/2022 15:37

Jumpstark · 05/08/2022 15:30

What about some solo activities to build her confidence? - music or singing lessons. Maybe she would prefer something with a very small group. Some people find big groups overwhelming.

Yes i would agree with this.

At 6 I did manage to do ballet classes because it was a small group, very calm and gentle. Lovely teacher.

edenhills · 05/08/2022 15:41

I found rainbows/brownies worked wonders for my daughter. I had to become a leader in order for her to agree to go.

OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting · 05/08/2022 15:51

How old.ia she OP?

OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting · 05/08/2022 15:52

Sorry, just seen she's 8!

Sunnysideup999 · 05/08/2022 17:12

Does she have a good friend who she trusts and can join some activities with her? Help build her confidence?
Also, encourage lots of play date etc.

princessrapunzel · 05/08/2022 19:49

I was just like your daughter when i was younger. My mum pushed me into all things i hated and felt uncomfortable in and it made me so much worse.... i know she was trying to help but it made me so anxious.

When i turned about 12 i found a great group of friends that brought me out of myself and i slowly got more and more confident. Dont get me wrong i still like quiet time to myself and do feel a but shy in certain situations but i think its just her age at the min. Shes figuring it all out and just needs extra support knowing its ok to be how she is.
Doing things together which allow her to fade in the background a bit and take it at her own pace will be perfect.

cansu · 05/08/2022 19:58

I am not sure the continual signing her up for things will help. Either she is a shy child who dislikes these group activities or she is a child with sen who dislikes these activities. How will pushing these activities help her?

Mumdiva99 · 05/08/2022 20:08

My daughter is 12 and would sit on my lap at parties. She can't be pushed to do big groups.
We found an art club when she was younger I could stay and join in with. She loved that. She finally took to Rainbows and then went to brownies and now guides.

I found pushing her into things counter productive. It never worked. She likes familiarity and routine. So a place she knows, a leader she knows or friends she knows. She will go back to one thing she enjoys over and over rather than move on.

As someone upthread said - work with the daughter you have. Not who you think she should be. Tiny baby steps and allow her to develop at her own pace. Maybe forget all the extra curricular activities. See if she will try one thing at school. If she will then lots and lots of praise.

Find out what she likes....take her to the park and together try a scavenger hunt perhaps...don't make her play on equipment if this is too much for her.

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