What to do with overly sensitive child?

[BabyChickenHead]

My daughter is 8.

She is painfully shy, so so sensitive and very anxious. I have no idea why she is this way but I just don’t know what to do. She may possibly have additional needs. She’s very bright and can be very sociable (more so with adults than with other children).

I’m just watching her miss out on life and I feel so frustrated. She is so unlike any member of my family. I’ve also wasted so much money now on clubs and things she wants to do but when we get there she refuses to go in. She won’t join in with other children. I signed her up for summer science camps which she would absolutely love but she’s now refusing to go. I’ve paid for a term of gymnastics which is something else she really loves but it’s really hit and miss on whether she will actually stay or join in. 180 quid is a lot of money to pay for her to just sit in a corner sucking her thumb.
I’ve tried ear defenders because she says everything’s too loud, I’ve tried staying with her at places, I’ve tried leaving and hoping she joins in. Nothing is working. She kicks off every morning when I go to work as she says she misses me so much, however she doesn’t want to spend time with me when I am home.

We’re both quite miserable. I just don’t know how to handle it. I’ve tried doing small risks with her to try and build her confidence but it just won’t work. Camhs have seen her and aren’t interested. School have added her to their sen register but nothing really is happening.

I do a lot with her one on one to try and build her confidence but it’s not getting us anywhere. I have another child too that I need to spend time with and I also just need a break. She wants to do ballet, choir, karate etc but won’t even go to a free trial session. I want her to do peforming arts classes as they work wonders for building confidence and it’s all stuff that she loves and will meet like minded children and hopefully make some friends, but I just can’t get her to go and even just try it.

Does anyone else have a child similar? How do you manage it. I feel like she’s going to be home with me forever.

Not sure if this is your thing, but I listened to a good podcast on this exact topic the other day:

open.spotify.com/episode/4Y4vhS6F4wmi2vXet37wZn?si=8VKE_4NaQEmPje_CaFCmZA&utm_source=copy-link

There's also a second episode after it.

One of the key messages seems to be that it's helpful to normalise feeling anxious and that we can handle feeling that way. (And of course the more we do something, the less anxiety-inducing it becomes)

Is she an only child perhaps?

Are you a bit judgemental perhaps?

I would see a therapist yesterday .
This is not normal behaviour and this is really impacting her life. Also look at yourself as you enable her behaviour as well.

Same goes for a pp that said "I have a very similar sounding daughter OP. We would go to parties and she would sit on my knee" and she wasn't talking about a toddler but for a school aged kid. At a certain stage you must cut the umbilical cord. My kid use to cling and hide behind me. But only if I stuck around. So they used me as a safety blanket. Not good

And the problem is that if your baby grows up to be a toddler it might grow up to be the same way as your dd as they will see her as a reference point

Are you demonstrating good behaviour to your dd as well? As in: showing confident behaviour and trying new things. Showing her that sometimes you need to be brave as well? There are heaps of book out there as well to read with her to get to the bottom of it.

I'm not saying she'll change overnight but you need to allow her to grow. So if you enable her by simply not taking her anywhere anymore because she refuses...you are not doing her any favours. The anxiety will only built-up more.

I would look in children's mindfulness. There's probably an app that you could listen to together, little but often.

My DD was similar and we found this workbook helpful at around the age of 8

www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/worry-too-much-overcoming-anxiety/

I was guilty of pushing my DD into joining things thinking it would help. She is still a shy and anxious 20 year old but the book helped at the time with rationalising and talking about fears. She is an introvert with sensitivity to noise and some social difficulties but as she has got older, she has been able to push herself out of her comfort zone more.

I understand your feelings about this OP as I also found it frustrating, worrying and irritating on many levels. I have worried far more about her than my other DC. And I still continue to do so, I wish I didn’t! She has been reading about ASD traits in girls and masking and feels that she identifies with this. I feel that she is a natural introvert in a world often that tends to value extroverts.

What are her friendships like?

TBH, the combo of auditory sensitivity, rigidity of mindset and anxiety and I’d put money on her heading towards a diagnosis of autism.

Aww, that sounds hard OP
I totally understand why you tried to push the clubs thing, but I would take a total step back from that now.
She may wish to do things like that when older, and when her range of interests has developed.
For the time being, however, it's only stressing you both out.

Sometimes these activities can cause anxiety because there will always be other children who are better at the activity or more pushy and this can make a shy child with not much confidence even more shy.
Offering so much to a child can also create pressure. I would try and find something that your child can join in with that does not have too much competition involved.
I remember when my children were little we did lots of things and I remember how competitive the mothers were much more so than their offspring and the classes were not enjoyable because some mums bought the most expensive clothing/shoes/equipment and made you feel inferior at the side of them. The tap dancing classes were dreadfully bad. What used to make me laugh was when they were all dancing they sounded like a herd of elephants anyway LOL

She really loves you and worries about being separated from you. The clubs can wait -she's still a little girl. Can you spend some time each doing her own thing, and sometimes doing low-stress, no expectations things together? Just you two, or all three of you? 🤗

Sympathy op but I would also give the clubs a miss. She doesn’t sound ready for them. I also wonder about the 1:1 time now you have a baby? If this anxiety results in her being glued to you and having more special time with you then it’s rewarding the behaviour. I’d be tempted to pull back a little- let her entertain herself at home and get used to sharing you.

you doing stuff with her won’t give her confidence- working out she wants to do something and taking the initiative will. Ds and I were both anxious children . Both of us will move ourselves if we want something!

I just want to say that I’m not pushing her to do anything. These are all things that she wants to do, she just chickens out when it comes to actually doing it. I’m always going to give her the chance to try something she wants to do. I’m just frustrated with her for not giving things at least a go.

@BabyChickenHead
I hear you. Kids can be so fucking annoying!

Your child communicates through her feelings. If it’s all too much. Cut everything right back so she relaxes.

Build her security first. The world can be introduced little by little.

I'd definitely be looking into play therapy, and seeing what activities are 1 on 1, or playdates or meet the teacher first.

Sounds so hard for her, she wants to do the activities but it's too much for her.

She sounds like I was as a child. I was later diagnosed with ASD as an adult. Worth looking into - not simply for a formal diagnosis (girls are often missed) but to understand why things might be hard for her and strategies that might help her develop.

one of the key messages seems to be that it's helpful to normalise feeling anxious and that we can handle feeling that way. (And of course the more we do something, the less anxiety-inducing it becomes)
I think this is a really good piece of advice. At a similar age my DD was referred to CAHMS with anxiety/OCD. One of the things I learned was that things I assumed she knew, she didn't. Because she didn't know that everyone feels anxious or has intrusive thoughts some of the time she thought there was something wrong with her.
It sounds like your DD wants to do these things but then feels anxious and overwhelmed.
I'd look into helping her with understanding those feelings first.
My DD didn't settle to clubs and found summer camps very trying (apart from forest school which she loved) but gradually has found things she likes doing. She's still socially anxious but is living a good life.

How is her understanding? Can a normal conversation be had? She is 8 and not a small toddler so have you tried being open and honest? Something like ‘oh you want to try x club/activity? But that costs x. And when we go to gymnastics you refuse to join and sit in the corner. I would worry we would spend all that money and you wouldn’t do the activity.’

Obviously it’s possible she’s ND, but is it possible she is maybe just needing a bit of attention/looking for some one on one? What happens when she clings onto your neck at swimming lessons or sits in the corner of gymnastics sucking her thumb? If it was my child of that age I’d ask if they wanted to do it and if they didn’t we’d go home. Is there a lot of coaxing/attention on her when she is behaving that way? If so she may see it (unconsciously) as a way to get attention off mummy, especially with a new baby in the mix.

So you’ve moved relatively recently and there’s a new baby? Both unsettling, and for a naturally quieter shy child the adjustment might take longer. If she just needs time at home, so be it for a while.

Some lovely advice on here already (PACE is an approach we’ve found useful too). Have you tried using a visual timetable or social stories, to prepare her for what’s going to happen and help things feel more structured and predictable?

If / when you try an activity again, I think PPs idea of a smaller group or 1:1 might be a good first step.

I would definitely seek ASD diagnosis for my dd and did! It was tough to accept but my dc is so much happier. I would really recommend reading a book on ASD in girls.

My dd10 is just like this but she has ASD. I'm not sure how your dd can be painfully shy yet sociable around adults though, my dd clams up with everyone.

She’s very good at conversation. Is often described as wise beyond her years. She so grown up in some way but so childlike in others it’s difficult to find a balance.

Well I guess if she’s pretty good at conversations you could open one next time she says she wants to try x activity? Or maybe when she is refusing a paid for activity. Sometimes I think people avoid speaking to their kids for fear of upsetting them but she’ll know something is wrong - she’s not daft. She’ll know she’s sitting in the corner sucking her thumb while the other 8 year olds are doing beam work. But by opening that conversation she may be able to open up about why. I’d also look (as I said above) at how people react. Does she get more attention from sitting sucking her thumb than she does from joining the group? Does it end up with adults trying to coax her into the activity? Or is it just ‘come on, let’s leave if you’re not participating.’

Could you send her to a forest school?
A properly run one is child led and helps with holistic development. People think of them as the haven for boisterous boys but they are fantastic for helping build self esteem and peer relationships. They make sure all of your basic needs are met and then allow you ease
out of your comfort zone at their own pace.

I was a sensitive child that preferred the company of grown ups, but I think learning to navigate peer situations is immensely beneficial.

My dd was like this.

She was diagnosed with ASD at a later age.