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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do sick

72 replies

Citylife · 05/08/2022 09:31

AIBU to be sick of hen dos? Why do we have to go away for hundreds of £s? So bored of it. Struggle to get enough money to take my kids away and I’m having to go to a hen do next week in Ibiza as I’m bridesmaid.

OP posts:
AnotherMrsAverage · 05/08/2022 10:03

I'm lucky that when I was married first time round the tradition was a night in the pub! It just takes one person in a group to plan a local night out then others would be relieved and hopefully follow suit. I suspect even if money were no object then who can really afford the time for such trips?

Mrsjayy · 05/08/2022 10:08

You are priorities are a bit skewed are they not , you say no I can't afford it I'm taking the kids on holiday. Yanbu about expensive Do's though they are ridiculous.

PinkPanther50 · 05/08/2022 10:12

It’s a very competitive thing , I think mainly for the social media pictures 🙄
As you have already paid you may as well go, you don’t have to spend lots. Don’t drink as that will save loads, you can still have a great time. If your friends don’t like it they are the ones with the problem. Go and enjoy this one and say thanks but no thanks to future invites 😀

SarahSissions · 05/08/2022 10:12

If they make you feel awkward for not going then they aren’t real friends.

I declined one once because it was silly money (Vegas). And once I said no another 9 of the group of 14 also said no! They just didn’t want to stick their neck out and be the first to tell the bride she was batshit. We went to Brighton instead and all got so drunk we thought we were in Vegas anyway.

CannibalQueen · 05/08/2022 10:14

My hen do was in a friends house and they'd contacted pals from way back that I hadn't seen in ages. Everyone had brought food and wine and I got a tarzanogram who we insisted sit down afterwards and have some trifle with us. He told us he was waiting for the arrival of his first child and was a gardener at a local attraction! He was a sweetheart, nothing rude, just a lovely guy. None of us were drunk, all of us had a fab time and I look back on it with really fond memories.

GiantSpaceHamster · 05/08/2022 10:14

I would not go to a hen abroad even if I was the bridesmaid. It’s not an obligation.

Scepticalwotsits · 05/08/2022 10:15

The issue is your inability to say no.

don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If you cannot afford it, or even if you can but don’t want to spend that money on it, it’s entirely your prerogative to say no.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2022 10:16

Yes destination hen dos and weddings are a ball ache and there should be zero expectation of compulsory attendance.

Would you be able to get travel insurance if you fake covid?
If not, go, enjoy yourself.

For future similar scenarios just say 'No, sorry, i can't attend. I hope you have a lovely time'
Do not get swept up in the bollocks of it all.

Mississipi71 · 05/08/2022 10:18

CannibalQueen · 05/08/2022 10:14

My hen do was in a friends house and they'd contacted pals from way back that I hadn't seen in ages. Everyone had brought food and wine and I got a tarzanogram who we insisted sit down afterwards and have some trifle with us. He told us he was waiting for the arrival of his first child and was a gardener at a local attraction! He was a sweetheart, nothing rude, just a lovely guy. None of us were drunk, all of us had a fab time and I look back on it with really fond memories.

Lovely x

YouCanHaveAParty · 05/08/2022 10:19

@Alfenstein - I hope all is well with you and in your life. However, you don't really have to be quite so mean, you have no idea what's going on in OPs life - please be kind.

@Citylife - these hen do's have a habit of turning into grand affairs/trips away and whilst they seem like a great idea at the time, the financial burden can become too much, so I sympathise with you. You don't have to go, even at this late stage- you could treat what you've paid for the trip already as a sunk cost and, yes, you'll make a saving by not using up spending money. Do what's financially best for you - so long as you are there for the wedding day, really that's what matters most?

FrazzleDazz · 05/08/2022 10:21

If it's all paid for already minus spending money, I'd maybe go to this one and make it clear it's the last "big" hen do you'll be attending. In terms of spending money, try and stick to whatever you can afford. I for one will not be planning anything other than a UK based day out for my own hen, I'd hate to put the pressure on my friends like this!

Laquila · 05/08/2022 10:23

The hen dos I really look forward to are the nights out in a local pizzeria with silly dancing in a random pub or club afterwards, everyone home in a taxi for 1am and no more than £50 each spent - perfect!

The ones I dread are the nights out in big cities, which usually end up being as expensive as a weekend away abroad.

The ones I'd decline are the actual ones abroad 😳

10HailMarys · 05/08/2022 10:24

Absolutely YANBU.

Fine to have a hen do abroad, but if you do that, then you need to be chilled about the fact that some people, including bridesmaids, might not be able to come. Nobody should be asked to prioritise a hen do over their own family holiday.

One of my sister's friends wanted her to go to Las Vegas for five days. It was a resounding no from my sister, who hasn't had a holiday abroad with her partner for five years, and her friend was really pissed off. My sister wasn't even a bridesmaid!

TheMullerLightOwl · 05/08/2022 10:25

GiantSpaceHamster · 05/08/2022 10:14

I would not go to a hen abroad even if I was the bridesmaid. It’s not an obligation.

Ngl I wouldn't even go if I were the bride 🤣

As pp have said, enjoy this one as you've already paid for it and just put your foot down at any more. "Sorry that's not really in the budget for us this year" should be enough if your friends are decent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2022 10:25

It’s not too late to back out if finding spending money is a real stretch, these things always cost a load more than you expect.

It’ll probably be a bit awkward as you’ve already committed so covid or d&v might help.

In future say you can’t afford it, anyone who expects you to struggle financially to indulge their holiday isn’t much of a friend. And don’t agree to be a bridesmaid again.

I’ve never been to a hen abroad and wouldn’t and I’ve been a bridesmaid 7 times. I’m retired should anyone ask me again, I’m done.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2022 10:27

And my own hen was a cheap spa day - my friend’s idea, we paid for ourselves and then I paid for dinner and cocktails for us. It was small, local, very relaxed and I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/08/2022 10:27

FlibbertyGiblets · 05/08/2022 09:34

In future you say 'that doesn't work for me, have a great time'.

Indeed. If more people (hens AND stags) were honest, there would be less of this shite.

Thatswhyimacat · 05/08/2022 10:28

I think abroad can be excessive or often it can be cheaper than UK, particularly if like a lot of people, your friends don't all live in the same place so you can't have the 'local pub' hen do that Mumsnet loves so much.

It does also suck to be one of the later people in a group to get married, and be the one where suddenly noone has the time or budget for your hen because they've got kids, when you made the effort for them, so I would also be interested to know if you've had a hen do and what it was?

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/08/2022 10:28

Go to this one but restrict further hen dos

itsthesoundofthepolice · 05/08/2022 10:34

You don't have to go just because you're a bridesmaid though. I didn't. I couldn't really afford it; probably could have at a push though and I could only get 3 of the 4 days at work so I just said I wasn't going. I still did other bridesmaid stuff but unless the bride is paying you can't be made to go

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/08/2022 10:41

i Couldn't go to my friends hen (was on maternity leave, baby was 9 months old, I was broke!) Involved a flight abroad, I simply couldn't afford it! Explained the situation and she never spoke to me again!

I was very upset initially - but now a few months on I'm glad I didn't go because she obviously isn't a great friend if she can't understand i don't have the money for something. I don't need people like that in my life.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2022 10:44

My Hen do was in Paris
Some people came and some didn’t (including one bridesmaid). I wasn’t shitty with anyone about it

Musti · 05/08/2022 10:44

I never went on a hen do abroad. Don’t want to do all that travelling just to get drunk somewhere else. A day and evening spent locally or in the same country is fine.

Bloody environmentally unfriendly. The planet is literally dying and people are still wasting resources like this.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 10:45

YouCanHaveAParty · 05/08/2022 10:19

@Alfenstein - I hope all is well with you and in your life. However, you don't really have to be quite so mean, you have no idea what's going on in OPs life - please be kind.

@Citylife - these hen do's have a habit of turning into grand affairs/trips away and whilst they seem like a great idea at the time, the financial burden can become too much, so I sympathise with you. You don't have to go, even at this late stage- you could treat what you've paid for the trip already as a sunk cost and, yes, you'll make a saving by not using up spending money. Do what's financially best for you - so long as you are there for the wedding day, really that's what matters most?

How is saying someone doesn't have to accept an invite to an event they don't want to attend mean?

Christ alive so many delicate oats on here

IceStationZebra · 05/08/2022 10:46

YANBU, but YABU for saying you have to go if you can’t afford it.