To be feeling really down on holiday

[PegottyPie]

I know I ABU really as so many people desperate for a holiday and I'm lucky to get one etc etc but just feeling trapped and needed a moan and didn't know where else.

In a v posh all inclusive resort where nobody speaks a word of English amongst the staff or the other guests. My linguistic skills are rubbish and when I try, people look at me like I've farted. It's truly embarrassing. DH is native speaker so totally at home but not really helping and getting cross at my lack of ability.

He's also getting cross at DS who doesn't want to go to kids club as they don't speak any English and he can't understand anyone. He's only little and it's scary for him. DH getting mad at him and mad at me for not forcing him to go.

There are no family activities here, it's all split into separate kids and adult clubs. I've got awful tummy ache and feel fat from the constant eating (they have v rich food 3 courses min twice a day and the last meal of the day starts at 8pm so sits really heavy). And DH doesn't want to do any of the activities I would, so I can't understand anything. To top it all, this holiday cost a fortune.

Complaining about being in another country and they don't speak your language really annoys me.

You must know some if it's your dhs native language ? Your children must too? If not why not?

Is that why he is annoyed with you , that you can communicate but aren't trying?

Google translate .... In holiday you only need to order a wine. In any language that's simple.

My kids went to kids clubs in different countries when they didn't speak the language and they played with those kids afterwards in the pool. However of yours doesn't like it then don't send him. Play in the pool yourself

While your DH is coming across as a prick here. This is only your side. And I suspect there is more to this

Are you sitting there trying to be miserable. Or are you trying to make a fun holiday

Too full ...eat less

its awful when you try to speak the language and locals don’t help you out. A lot of speaking another language is confidence and their sneering can really set you back.
I would take your child out and have a break from your DH. Everyone loves a child attempting to speak their language-so could you use your child to do the speaking for you and make it seem like you are asking them to speak to help teach them the language?
you can whisper the few works you know to DH, encourage them to ask and I would imagine a much greater level of tolerance from the locals?

I think your holiday is putting a magnifying glass over your marriage. That can feel awful, but it also holds the potential to be entirely liberating.

Actually, I think it's a fair point that some of these resorts are for German speakers. At more than one I practised my schoolgirl German!
Whereabouts are you, as pp have said, maybe we can give you ideas for activities outside the resort?

Ridiculous attitude from your DH. I've been in a similar situation (DH bilingual, myself and DS not) and DH has been nothing but helpful when in his country and totally aware it is on him to teach our DS his language. I'm sorry to hear your husband is being so unhelpful regarding the language barrier.

I’m trying to understand why your ds isn’t bilingual?

my children speak my native language and another language due to their native grandparents.

you can’t complain the country your holidaying in doesn’t speak English, you’ve visited THEIR country!

You have a dh issue not the resort your staying in, he should be engaging with you and making you feel included.

Your comments about the food is ridiculous, eat less.

I'm guessing a legacy French / Portuguese or Spanish location

Their food may seem rich and less automatic spoken English. There are plenty of people across the world whose preferences are to not speak English. English isn't the most widely spoken language across the world

I agree this is a DH problem. I'm not sure what to suggest about solving that, but spending the days by the pool with your DC sounds fair enough.

And some serious conversations about how you want your life to be in future. This doesn't sound like fun, it sounds as if your DH is trying to improve your language skills with total emersion. I can pick up languages (badly) that way, my sister just doesn't. It's only fair for you to have some say in how you holiday or seriously, I'd be looking at divorce no matter how luxurious your lifestyle

Why are people getting caught up on why the child isn’t bilingual?? That’s got nothing to do with the sheer arsehole ish ness of the dh. If the child doesn’t want to go to the holiday club - for whatever reason- no one should be getting cross with him!

Surely it’s got everything to do with the DH? If he’d bothered to teach the child his native language then he’d speak the lingo and might actually fancy the kids club.

OP, I’d take DS to the pool, learn the lingo for wine and ice cream. Have a break from your DH who is as much of a problem as the choice of holiday.

Your DH sounds like an idiot. It is your child's holiday too and they should only go to children's clubs if they're going to enjoy it. It isn't like a kennels where you ditch your them regardless.

@FinallyHere - you're right, I developed the point in a later post. I remember speaking German at a Spanish resort.

We are a tri-lingual family. I agree your DH should be doing more but I am afraid I disagree about the kids club. Your ds may hate it and of course shouldn't be forced to go if he is deeply uncomfortable as it's his holiday too, but he should be encouraged to try it a few times. Being unsure and and a little out of your comfort zone for a short time isn't always disaster for dc and playing with other DC is a great way to learn another language. You should at least be encouraging that. If I was your DH I would be pissed off that you weren't tbh as it seems very insular and disrespectful of his culture. As long as it is balanced with your ds having a lot of adult interaction with you and your DH the rest of your time of course.

Also, why can't you speak to your DH about all of this op? Can you not have a natter with him and talk about what you were both expecting from this holiday? Can you chat about your differing needs and perspectives? Maybe there is still some time to do something that you would enjoy? Or a different way of organising the meals so you skip one of them in favour of a bar snack etc? How does your DH feel, is he loving it all? Can you both make some compromises?

Yeah, she only needs a couple of words, so she can tell her husband to fuck off in his own language.

Another vote for your DH being a knob here.

To be fair, my father was also a migrant and mum didn't speak his native language. This wasn't an issue growing up as they couldn't visit his home country until I was an adult (old Soviet Union and closed borders). Once the borders opened they went quite a bit. After a while mum refused to go there with him unless I went too because I spoke the language and would translate, whereas he would happily forget, get caught up in a host of reminiscences (and drink 😀) and she would be left smiling and nodding in the corner for a few weeks while relatives pressed food on her.

It could simply be that your DH is being thoughtless and is so busy enjoying speaking his native language/eating traditional food that he has forgotten about you and DS but it sounds like an utterly miserable holiday for you. Ignore him, do something with DS you both enjoy and next year make sure you get a voice in choosing where to holiday.

Good luck OP

My children never use the kids clubs. English speaking or not! But it's a 'family' holiday so we spend time as a family, at the pool, going to the beach, going to nearby attractions, popping round the town etc... I love it. Love being with my children. Your DH sounds like he wants an adult holiday, not a family holiday.

Is your DH also your child's father?

If the child is so resistant to going that the dh is getting angry with the child then it’s an absolute no go. Holidays should be fun - for everyone.

Whose idea was going there on holiday? Did you not talk about what you wanted to do before you booked it? Was it supposed to be a lazing around by the pool holiday, or were you expecting to have some days out sightseeing? Surely you discuss the plan before you go?

Holiday sounds fine; DH sounds like a dickhead.

I wouldn't expect people in another country to speak English, but if my DP spoke the local language and I didn't, I'd certainly expect him to bloody help me out.

I wouldn't expect a child to go to a kids' club if they didn't want to, regardless of the language issue. Not all children enjoy suddenly having to do activities with lots of children they don't know, with no familiar adult around. It's weird for the resort not to offer any family activities - I mean, surely for a lot of families, having fun together rather than separately is the whole point of a holiday.

DH needs to compromise and join you for some of the activities you want to try, assuming you're happy to join him for some of his.

When it comes to food, don't feel you have to eat three courses if you don't want to. You don't have to eat every course and you don't have to clear your plate. I can really put food away and have a huge appetite, but I wouldn't to eat three course lunches and dinners every day for a fortnight.

You sound just like my mum and dad!

I have a vivid memory of a family friend suggesting a holiday resort to my parents and saying 'You'll want somewhere with a kids' club for 10HailMarys I expect' and my dad being genuinely uncomprehending that this would be a requirement. He's never been great at seeing why other people might want different things to him, and I just remember really clearly hearing him say 'What? I spend every day at work without the kids. Why would I want to be without them on holiday as well?!' and being properly baffled at the notion.

Why did you book a holiday that sounds like a nightmare from the start? Resort prisons are grim. They are beloved only by people who love resort prisons. If you know you're not one of them, why go? Of course they only have kid clubs. They're awful places.

Just say no next time and book a normal trip to a normal place.

It's a bit stupid your DH getting mad at you both for not speaking the language. It's his job to be teaching the kid. Whether you learn is up to you.

If the child is so resistant to going that the dh is getting angry with the child then it’s an absolute no go. Holidays should be fun - for everyone

I agree Afterfire and in my post you will see I specifically said that it was the little boy’s holiday too. No way should the dh be getting cross with the little boy.

Wdon’t know the background here or the source of the dh’s frustration. We don’t know the other side of the story. I don’t know their circumstances but maybe the husband lives out of his comfort zone for the rest of the year and for just two weeks would appreciate it if his wife and child made an effort to fit in with his culture. Maybe he just wants them to try a bit harder? He should be helping and supporting them of course but it’s always difficult at the beginning. You only get better with languages by trying to get past the initial embarrassment and difficulties and being positive about it. And op could try modelling that to her child.

I am not unsympathetic if someone is feeling miserable and lonely on holiday, that’s awful, but the op is complaining about the food and doesn’t have the initiative to look up how to ask for a salad on Google translate! Sorry if that sounds harsh but it points to a lack of effort.

As for the issue of kids clubs, I wouldn’t stick my child in one every day! When my dc were younger, we would test them out and sometimes they liked them and sometimes they didn’t. It was always their choice. But my point is that for the specific purpose of language acquisition being immersed with other dc playing games is a great way to learn without knowing you are learning! And it could make it easier for the child next year!

Your DH sounds an absolute cock.

If you “persuade” (as I imagine happened here) your spouse and child to go on holiday somewhere where you speak the language and they don’t, you make the effort to include them, translate etc. He needs to step up.

You DS obviously shouldn’t be made to go to a kids club where he doesn’t understand anyone else - sounds miserable.

In the immediate term - other than giving your husband a good talking to - Google translate is pretty good for a few phrases. I’ve heard great things about “say hello” from people with Ukrainian house guests. A go on Duolingo from whenever you booked would be a good idea for another time - gives you the basics and not too tricky.

I must admit I am a bit like this myself. Although I do recognise the whole kids club thing is something a lot of people like, the whole concept just seems to alien to me. I can’t imagine leaving my child with a bunch of strangers in a foreign country whilst I did other stuff. It just seems all wrong to me. I like to do things together as a family. So perhaps that’s clouding my own judgement here a bit!

If you “persuade” (as I imagine happened here) your spouse and child to go on holiday somewhere where you speak the language and they don’t, you make the effort to include them, translate etc. He needs to step up.

Yes it certainly sounds like he could be more helpful. But why wouldn’t the op take a few language lessons before she went? If it’s her husband’s language why can’t she make a bit of an effort to learn it too? And he could teach the son himself or do OPOL.