Death or birth

[FfsStupid]

I dont know how to feel right now.
OH had been NC with his family for around 5 years. All of a sudden out the blue we get a call to say a family member is on her death bed. We both rush to go see her (4 hour journey). OH spend time with her and says goodbyes.

Since we've come back home. OH has had calls from crying family members saying they need him there for support, (there are plenty of them to support each other), I then over hear him saying I'll come tomorrow. Later OH asked me if he should go, I didn't say much, just I dont know. After a while he says he will go for a few days.

I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm really struggling as it is. He very briefly mentioned that I should go too but then retracted. I'm anxious if anything should happen then he'll be 4 hours away.

I don't know how to feel because ideally I'd want him to be there with his family however there is nothing that he can do there apart from comfort people. But with my situation theres me and the baby, I dont have family around, just the odd friend. Should anything happen I'll be all alone.

I know me being pregnant doesn't trump anything but I feel a little sad that hes not really considered me and the baby in this.

I think he should be prioritising you OP, YANBU

He needs to prioritise you. They have each other. You only have him.

YANBU.. it should be you & baby first

When you say 8 months, how far away from your due date are you?

Do you have other DC to look after? Do you have anyone else who could help you?

What relationship is the family member to your DH?

Your baby absolutely does trump every other situation I’m afraid. They need to just deal with things without him as they have for the previous years

Under normal circumstances at 8 months pregnant I’d say the chance of anything like labour happening would be low, and to give your blessing to go.

But this sounds like a complicated situation with the previous long stretch of no contact. Without knowing the ins and outs, I’d be worried about the family using the circumstances as an “in” to your lives again.

I think these reactions are strange. It sounds like this is the time for him to make amends with his family. Unless there's something else going on that suggests it's likely you'll go in to early labour, I think you need to support him on this.

Why was he NC? I think he should probably stay with you OP but could do with the rest of the context

It all depends on who the family is. Is it his mum?

Please do not underestimate the need family members have for comfort during this time. I can't put into words just how distressing it is to have someone on their deathbed.

As you say, there are relatives who can deal with the death. Your husband should be with you.

He hasn’t spoke to them for 5 years. If he wanted to see them, he should have sorted it out years ago. They don’t need him, they’ve just seen a chance to guilt him. If you weren’t heavily pregnant then whatever but you are, so absolutely no chance would I tell him this is ok with me.

YANBU - it sounds like they’re trying to draw him back into a dysfunctional family dynamic with emotional blackmail. He’s said his goodbyes, as is right and proper, but he now needs to prioritise you and the baby.

The NC thing probably is clouding your judgement here, especially with the . Later OH asked me if he should go, I didn't say much, just I dont know.

Sounds stroppy and very much PICK ME, it's a few days?! Let him be.

Later OH asked me if he should go, I didn't say much, just I dont know.

The correct answer here was ‘No. I need you here because I am 8 months pregnant and things could start any time.’

How many weeks are you? If 36 and up YANBU as baby can really arrive anytime but if any earlier than YABU

36 weeks? I'd not bat an eyelid about him going- my husband went to a stag do when I was 8 months pregnant and I was fine with that. At 39 weeks plus I'd want him to be around though.

There is a reason he was NC. I’d be wary it was a ploy to pull him back into line. He should stay without bar teh funeral etc if he wants to go.

It’s only a few days and only 4 hrs away so I’d be supportive of him going. Presumably he would be keeping his phone charged and by him at all times and be ready to return at the drop of a hat. As in don’t even unpack, but live out his suitcase so he can just grab and go.

You’re like, soooooo cool. 🙃

My waters broke at 36+5 after a stressful week so be aware

If you want him with you that should be the main deciding factor.

I imagine the likelihood of an early and quick labour is quite rare if this is your first pregnancy - but it can happen. Mine was 36+3 and only 5 hours labour absolute start to finish so while this is rare it could happen and I wouldn't want to take that risk.

Of course he should be there with you.
If you are 8 months then you could go into labour at any time.
Just because some of you didn't go into labour until 39-40 weeks, it doesn't mean all women do. It's quite common to go into labour before then.

let him go. You are weeks away from giving birth, and the drive is 4 hours for him to be home. 80% of first babies are born after due date, and average labour is 12 hours. He has plenty of time to come home if you go into labour.

He will not get time back with dying loved ones, and he can help heal relationships with other family members.

This is what would concern me.

I’m NC with a family member. I don’t wish them ill but I won’t be going near their deathbed or funeral. But my family will do exactly what his age with endless phone calls and demands to see me.

Obviously it’s his choice but I’d be warning him to be very cautious.

Yabu he can't stay by your side for the next month. He's comforting grieving relatives.