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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit devastated at expecting multiples?

39 replies

EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 16:37

Unsure of where else to post this, as I don't have anyone to discuss it with irl.

I was previously told twins and today there's an extra one. I had a very strange feeling that something this bad would happen. I thought one baby would have been difficult to add to my situation, but I accepted it's my own fault for sleeping with the ex husband.

The pregnancy is already very high risk, it was extra high risk with two babies. I'm not sure I'm capable of having three healthy babies from this pregnancy. How am I actually supposed to do this on my own?

I feel this is karma to me. :(a bit

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 16:44

I think you will definitely need to have support with 3 babies. Does your ex provide this? Is it too late for an abortion?

Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 16:47

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 16:44

I think you will definitely need to have support with 3 babies. Does your ex provide this? Is it too late for an abortion?

I already have children. I don't want my ex anywhere near me ever again, but there isn't a way to force him to provide financially.

I'm too far along for an abortion here.

OP posts:
Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 04/08/2022 16:48

No, you're not unreasonable. Triplets is huge shock under any circumstances but as a single mum (which I assume you are), it must feel insurmountable.

Have you had any guidance on what this means for the rest of your pregnancy? How is your relationship with your ex generally?

Flowers
Crayfishforyou · 04/08/2022 16:50

Yabu for saying it’s karma. It isn’t. You did nothing to deserve anything bad.

yanbu for feeling scared and overwhelmed

IntegrityisDead · 04/08/2022 16:50

Not at all unreasonable about being devastated, you're right to be concerned, only AIBU about it being karma!

Get all the medical information you need and make the best decision for you. Do you have older children/dependents to consider - i imagine that would make things even harder... Financially could you cope? Emotionally? Physically? For the next 18+ years....

Talk it through with someone independent you feel you can trust - there are lots of helplines - and take your time. Tell your story to as many people as you need to...

Sadly with multiple and high risk pregnancies sometimes nature takes action anyway.

With a decision as hard as this there will always be 'What ifs?' no matter what you choose so accept you will need to just live with those too...

Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 16:56

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 04/08/2022 16:48

No, you're not unreasonable. Triplets is huge shock under any circumstances but as a single mum (which I assume you are), it must feel insurmountable.

Have you had any guidance on what this means for the rest of your pregnancy? How is your relationship with your ex generally?

Flowers

I feel very overwhelmed with it all. I thought it would have been extremely hard work with twins, but then I was considering how to best protect myself from pregnancy again.

No real guidance, I've been fitted in for a talk with a consultant after their last appointment and I'm in the waiting room. I have quite serious health problems and with a previous very premature birth, I think this really could negatively affect my health. I'm worrying about how I'll give enough time to my youngest and balance the babies also. That's if they're not extremely premature and make it. I'm very, very lucky to have my daughter, especially as she seems healthy now.

My relationship with my ex husband is awful. I shouldn't have ever spoken to him again, never mind give him another (short lived) chance. That was a silly decision on my part and I shouldn't have made it.

OP posts:
LilacSky95 · 04/08/2022 16:57

I'd be gobsmacked, scared, shocked, angry, terrified and anxious in your shoes OP. No advice but sending love x

Didimum · 04/08/2022 16:59

Multiples mum here. Please join Twins Trust, and investigate use of their family support and family crisis support resources.

twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/family-crisis-support.html

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 04/08/2022 17:00

Unless you're beyond the legal limit, it's not too late for an abortion. I find it hard to believe you've got to beyond 16+ weeks without anyone realising you are expecting triplets.

Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 17:02

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 04/08/2022 17:00

Unless you're beyond the legal limit, it's not too late for an abortion. I find it hard to believe you've got to beyond 16+ weeks without anyone realising you are expecting triplets.

I'm in NI. You're wasting your time trying to abort before 10 weeks. Anything after that isn't happening, unless there are severe disabilities and a very permissive doctor.

OP posts:
Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 17:02

Didimum · 04/08/2022 16:59

Multiples mum here. Please join Twins Trust, and investigate use of their family support and family crisis support resources.

twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/family-crisis-support.html

Thank you

OP posts:
strandedabroad · 04/08/2022 17:07

This sounds extremely difficult. I had twins and I already had a very small one and it was ridiculously hard at times... and I had support. If you can throw money at it, you will be ok. If not, I would also be worried. One thing I was petrified of during my twin pregnancy was disabilities/special needs. Because the only thing harder than 3 under 2 would have been 3 under 2 with extra needs thrown in. It's a lot to manage for one person.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh/bleak but I think it's reasonable that you want to hear honest opinions.

How far along are you?

PinkPlantCase · 04/08/2022 17:08

Hi your reaction is completely understandable and it sounds like you’ve already got so much on your plate.

Where are you based? If there is a risk to health then the legal time limits for abortion can be different.

At any rate there will be support available, twins trust above and sure start and if you post roughly where you’re based others will be able to advise on other charities etc. Social services can also be really helpful don’t be afraid to get in touch with them .

PinkPlantCase · 04/08/2022 17:11

https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/northern-ireland-funded-abortion-treatment/

After 10 weeks you can access funded abortion care in England. In theory anyway!

BreakfastGold · 04/08/2022 17:11

Would you consider selective reduction? I don't know what the chances of being offered that in NI are.

I once saw a documentary following a single mother of triplets from their birth. She had them in a military routine basically but she was managing to stay sane and enjoy them.

Home-Start might also be able to help you. I know someone who had twins who was supported by them for the first year.

Tootsey11 · 04/08/2022 17:45

Op, have you got any hands on help available to you.

Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 17:54

Sorry for the delay, I was in with the consultant and had a couple of calls.

The consultant told me that she will want very close monitoring of both the pregnancy and my medical problems. I asked what my options are, as I'm unsure if I can cope with another 3 alone. She told me that due to the type of pregnancy, reduction would need to be by laser, which isn't an option here. It would require a referral to England, that won't be made unless there is a serious risk to my health or any of them are found to have serious disabilities and/or little chance of survival.

I've still not really processed that this is happening. The idea of this isn't overwhelming me with excitement, especially as my youngest is still very little. Life is never simple, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 17:55

Tootsey11 · 04/08/2022 17:45

Op, have you got any hands on help available to you.

Not really. My friend already has her own child and I don't think she will be able to babysit multiple children.

OP posts:
Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 18:03

strandedabroad · 04/08/2022 17:07

This sounds extremely difficult. I had twins and I already had a very small one and it was ridiculously hard at times... and I had support. If you can throw money at it, you will be ok. If not, I would also be worried. One thing I was petrified of during my twin pregnancy was disabilities/special needs. Because the only thing harder than 3 under 2 would have been 3 under 2 with extra needs thrown in. It's a lot to manage for one person.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh/bleak but I think it's reasonable that you want to hear honest opinions.

How far along are you?

I think that I'm going to be in a very similar situation, but with another baby. Single babies can be extremely difficult by themselves and time for self care can often be non-existent. Extra needs is something I'd thought of with this pregnancy up to now, but I've considered it with my small one, as she was very premature. She seems healthy and is doing well, but of course learning difficulties tend to show later on.

I'm 16 weeks. I've had 2 scans previously, both stating different types of twins, which did get me worrying. The last one was really not very thorough, in hindsight and not in this country.

OP posts:
Rbaby · 04/08/2022 22:16

Could you look into housing an au pair? Someone to help for a few hours a day a few days a week.

Thinking of you, sounds like an extremely difficult situation Flowers

VestaTilley · 04/08/2022 22:22

I’m sorry OP, that sounds so hard.

What support is there in NI? Do you have Home Start? Children’s centres/Sure Start type places? Free nursery hours at age 2? If you receive benefits you may be eligible for more help.

Try not to panic- you’ve got months to get help lined up; social services often offer parenting support and advice, they don’t just come and take your children. It could be worth getting in touch with them to ask for support.

Also Google any support groups for Mum’s of multiples and single parent family charities (eg Gingerbread) in NI.

Try and get organised if you can. Can you afford any paid help- even a cleaner or a Mother’s Help type person once a week? Do you have family or good friends who would rally round?

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/08/2022 22:23

This might be a stupid question, but what's to stop you just coming over to England and seeking treatment here?

Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 22:59

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/08/2022 22:23

This might be a stupid question, but what's to stop you just coming over to England and seeking treatment here?

Lack of childcare and money

OP posts:
Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 23:01

Rbaby · 04/08/2022 22:16

Could you look into housing an au pair? Someone to help for a few hours a day a few days a week.

Thinking of you, sounds like an extremely difficult situation Flowers

I don't have any money for an au pair or any space spare. Currently staying in a 1 bedroom flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
EeveeFan · 04/08/2022 23:09

VestaTilley · 04/08/2022 22:22

I’m sorry OP, that sounds so hard.

What support is there in NI? Do you have Home Start? Children’s centres/Sure Start type places? Free nursery hours at age 2? If you receive benefits you may be eligible for more help.

Try not to panic- you’ve got months to get help lined up; social services often offer parenting support and advice, they don’t just come and take your children. It could be worth getting in touch with them to ask for support.

Also Google any support groups for Mum’s of multiples and single parent family charities (eg Gingerbread) in NI.

Try and get organised if you can. Can you afford any paid help- even a cleaner or a Mother’s Help type person once a week? Do you have family or good friends who would rally round?

I don't think there's Homestart around here. Surestart covers some areas. I don't know about free nursery places from 2. Preschool starts at 3 here.

I've had a look online and there's an organisation called Tamba, perhaps they can help. I wouldn't ask social services for anything other than financial and childcare help.

Paid help isn't an option, I'm struggling fiancially. No family, my stepdad won't be available to help and my friend is a single mum with no support, with her own child. I have another friend who tries to help me out, but he's in prison currently.

OP posts: