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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and his driving

44 replies

whatty · 04/08/2022 14:33

My husband has had his licence for about 17 years (he passed in his late 20s), but has been a reluctant/ irregular driver during this time. His reluctance with regards to driving was discussed pretty early on in our relationship (married 11 years, together for 14 years) as I didn't want to have to always be the driver (visiting his parents who lived 3 hours away, sister lived the other side of London) so he will drive- but only because he has to if that makes sense. We have recently got an automatic, which I had hoped would improve things so he had less to think about- but it hasn't really unfortunately.
Over the years- I have mentioned multiple times about his late braking, asking me what he should do in certain situations, getting confused re: lanes etc etc. in my view- he is the driver, and if I wasn't there, he would have to make a decision.
We are currently driving back from our holiday- and he has been clueless again re: lanes, which resulted in us driving away from home instead of towards home and adding 30mins to our journey. When I mentioned that he is a flipping nightmare- he excused his ineptness with there being "a lot going on" when he was joining the motorway. There are also times when he brakes so suddenly, that it is scary being a passenger at times.
So- any advice? Should I ask him to book driving lessons to improve this situation? Or am I being too opinionated about his cluelessness and should just suck it up? Or should I do all the driving to ensure me and our 3 children are kept from a future car accident? (Not really an AIBU- more WWYD!)
For context- I've been driving for 25 years and have always had a car. I happily drive abroad/ hire vans etc.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 04/08/2022 14:36

I wouldn't let him drive me anywhere - sounds far too stressful. But do you think it's actual ineptness or deliberate ineptness?

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 04/08/2022 14:37

I'd book driver refresher / confidence lessons.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 04/08/2022 14:41

He sounds a very nervous driver, I think he needs some lessons to get his confidence up.

Original poster
whatty · 04/08/2022 14:41

@CalistoNoSolo I think it's actual unfortunately... You are right- it is stressful. @Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours - refresher lessons sound a good plan. Will get him to look into it 👍

OP posts:
D0lphine · 04/08/2022 14:49

This sounds stressful.

Book him some lessons and tell him to sort it.

He is an adult- this is something he isn't good and and he needs to get good at.

UWhatNow · 04/08/2022 14:51

Just drive yourself. He sounds a danger to himself and others. Nervous drivers shouldn’t be in charge of 3 tons of metal on public roads.

Fuuuuuckit · 04/08/2022 14:54

Ye gods, if he's actually that inept he needs to either take some refresher lessons or quit.

If I felt that unsafe being a passenger in a car I'd be demanding to pull up in the next layby and take over. Especially with 3 dc in the back.

3 hours to his parents isn't that much of a journey, you'll be able to dictate the frequency of visits of you're driving.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2022 14:55

Is he worse with you in car? If you are critical or giving off critical vibes it may mean he’s more nervous with you. He presumably knows driving isn’t his forte and minimises doing it.
Has he actually had more accidents than normal?
I know my limitations eg if I end up in wrong lane I’d go with it and try and find way around or somewhere safe to turn even if adds 30 minutes whereas DH wouldn’t think twice about moving out into correct lane or setting off at speed to get in front. It’s a confidence thing.

Furrydogmum · 04/08/2022 14:59

I have a colleague who doesn't enjoy driving, but does all the driving, because she doesn't trust her husband's driving at all - he does sound horrendous in most respects to be fair - and as their children have grown up and passed their tests they too won't let him drive them or their cars..
I hate driving and DH does all the longer journeys but I'm an amazing critic copilot 😬if I were you I'd do all the driving rather than worry or let him harm anyone else!

Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 15:07

I refuse to let dh drive now. Usually I can see the picnic in the back seat of the car in front....
My nerves can no longer cope.
And I never glance his way as he travels 100's of miles with his arms folded in a huff!!

WTF475878237NC · 04/08/2022 15:10

Well I don't believe the answer is to take over all the driving. I think he needs to step up and have some refresher lessons. Did he pass or bribe the instructor in the 90s as I know a few people who did this? It sounds like he is just like my dyspraxic neice who hasn't managed to pass yet.

Sparklingbrook · 04/08/2022 15:13

Using a sat nav would stop all the wrong turns/wrong lane stuff.

Original poster
whatty · 04/08/2022 15:33

Thanks all. Some useful view points and suggestions. @Sparklingbrook we have a sat nav- but he still gets confused by what the sat navs telling him at times.

@Dixiechickonhols - this is a fair point. I have thought that my opinions (aka- shouty reactions to another dangerous manoeuvre) might not be helpful.

Think refresher lessons are the only option. I don't want to limit mine or the DCs outings because he can't do what is a basic skill, and I don't want to always have to drive.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 04/08/2022 15:37

I don't think driving is a basic skill. It is a skill that takes time and effort to learn, practice, and maintain. Not everyone should drive, whether anxiety, lack of spatial awareness, inability to make decisions etc.

If he doesn't improve after some extra tuition I'd really just give up with him being a driver. For all your sakes.

Sparklingbrook · 04/08/2022 15:46

Thanks all. Some useful view points and suggestions. @Sparklingbrook we have a sat nav- but he still gets confused by what the sat navs telling him at times.

Oh dear. I'm not sure how to sort that. Sometimes it's better to just listen to it than look at the screen though.

anniegun · 04/08/2022 15:50

If this was a man complaining his wife was a terrible and hence reluctant driver then I think the replies would be very different

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 15:53

Just because he's passed his test, doesn't mean he should be driving.

If he's that dangerous, he shouldn't be on the road.

Hercisback · 04/08/2022 15:53

My DH has passed his test but really really struggles to drive. He just can't coordinate himself at all to do it. We eventually googled dyspraxia and he ticks most of the boxes.
He now doesn't drive at all and I've got used to being the only driver. There are times when it's annoying and I'm sure it will get worse as the kids get older, but it's not worth the stress. For some people driving isn't a basic skill.

Does he drive alone much?

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 15:55

I can't drive. I'm dyspraxic, which is a very big part of my incompetence behind the wheel. I've had lessons many times and it's not happening. I took my test once and failed it so badly that I got not only major faults but also a 'dangerous' mark. It's certainly possible that I could one day pass a driving test, but I would still never be a competent day to day driver.

I could have a thousand driving lessons and still not be a natural/confident driver, much as I could have a thousand piano lessons and still not be very good at playing the piano.

I appreciate this is annoying for you, but I don't think it's actually very safe to keep pushing your partner to drive. If he's that reluctant and that nervous, and constantly has to be reminded about late braking, told which lane to use etc, I suspect he isn't that safe behind the wheel either alone or with you.

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 15:58

a basic skill

It isn't a basic skill, I'm afraid. Just because a lot of people can do it, that doesn't make it 'basic'.

Also, calling it a basic skill is probably making him feel really shit and inadequate for not being great at it, and it's unlikely that his unease with driving is actually his own fault.

JustLyra · 04/08/2022 16:11

whatty · 04/08/2022 15:33

Thanks all. Some useful view points and suggestions. @Sparklingbrook we have a sat nav- but he still gets confused by what the sat navs telling him at times.

@Dixiechickonhols - this is a fair point. I have thought that my opinions (aka- shouty reactions to another dangerous manoeuvre) might not be helpful.

Think refresher lessons are the only option. I don't want to limit mine or the DCs outings because he can't do what is a basic skill, and I don't want to always have to drive.

Have you considered that he might just not be a good driver?

It always baffles me that people cannot accept that some people are just not good drivers - in fact some people shouldn’t be drivers.

We accept that some people can’t run, swim, jump, draw, play games, do maths, etc etc. Yet someone who isn’t good at driver is someone seen as some sort of failure.

It’s not always a case of not wanting to. Some people just aren’t good at it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/08/2022 16:16

Unfortunately however useful a skill is not everyone will be able to master it however hard they try. It doesn't sound like he is being deliberately incompetent if he has done his share of the driving over the last 14 years, so you either accept you drive, or you be quiet and let him get on with it. I do think it would be unfair to limit or restrict his family visits because it doesn't suit you to drive there, unless you are happy for money to be spent on train fares

prettyteapotsplease · 04/08/2022 16:31

Is he generally inept at other mechanical tasks, or just driving? I'd grab the car keys if I were you, but a refresher course sounds like a really good idea.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2022 16:49

A shouty reaction would put me right. I bet he’s nervous and making more mistakes with you present. Unless he’s actually dangerous i.e crashing or causing near misses I’d just accept it’s different levels of competence - he was obviously safe enough to pass test. Maybe see if he wants some refresher lessons or try different sat nav but stuff like him taking longer going wrong way I’d just ignore. I’d rather park further away in a bigger space or stay behind a lorry than risk overtaking on a narrow road. My choice.

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 17:06

You could help him. It can be sensory overload to drive looking at signs, watching the traffic, listening/looking at sat nav. It’s a lot to take in.

I can’t drive anymore due to medical reasons, but I still act as navigator to my DH (we used to do it for each other). So the navigator assists the driver by looking at sat nav and signs and making sure we are in the right lane for whatever is coming up. Navigator also cross checks speed limit on the sat nav with any signs…as often there can be temporary lower speed limits only shown on smart gantries or pop up signs. Navigator also plans out rest stops and lunch breaks. Navigator checks route ahead and adjusts for any red/high traffic zones coming up. Navigator helps driver by saying, it’s the next right or next left, or at the roundabout the 2nd exit isn’t a straight on but a right turn- tips to avoid the usual pit falls of confusion from listening to a sat nav.

You could try that instead of silently waiting for him to make an error and then calling him a “nightmare” and giving off god I married an incompetent sod who can’t even do a basic skill vibes.