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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will it get better? (not really AIBU)

30 replies

missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 14:09

Not sure why I am starting this thread, possibly as I am feeling so overwhelmed and with noone to vent to IRL.

It's summer holidays, and I know I should be grateful for what I do have but I feel so broken and under pressure.

DD12 &DS13 are brilliant kids, but we live in a small rented 2 bed flat where I have no space to myself anymore after giving up my bedroom earlier this year as I couldn't find an affordable bigger place and their need for having their own bedrooms seemed greater.

So here I am now, sleeping in the living room every night, the same room I am also in all day (WFH). Working full time and not being able to afford a holiday, stressing over having to replace uniforms and shoes as they grow so quickly, stressing over not being able to afford days out over the holidays. Can't afford to have a car so days out are limited to local things like a trip to the beach (very grateful for living in walking distance to one for sure). Overall I am feeling like I am failing them really.

Ex-H recently got diagnosed with cancer and has been unable to work/ contribute/have his kids as a result of being so poorly so they are always with me and I pay for everything.

I never planned on my life going this way, being a single parent, we were married before having the children. I have given up on the idea of a new partner, despite being only in my late 30s. I just can't see where they would fit in with the situation I am in and after a few online dating stunts it does really transpire that the 'desperate' single mum stigma exists (even though I am far from desperate if I may say so myself lol).

It's just so miserable, lonely at times and seems like it never ends, the constant worry about money despite working full time in a decent job. And looks to be getting even worse, maybe time to stop watching the constant news RE inflation and energy crisis.

How is anyone else managing to stay positive through this?
Would love to hear some positive stories of others who were in similar miserable position and managed to improve their lives!!

And thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
theniceunderstandingone · 04/08/2022 14:23

You need your own space. I would take my room back.
Is their room big enough to put a partition between their beds? Or if the living room is big enough to partition and move them there...
A woman I know done that and it was such a relief

I can't advise for anything else because I'm in the same boat (minus your unwell ex husband)

I hope it gets better for us all but please think about going back to your bedroom

Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 14:28

Do you have any outdoor space at all op? Small bit of garden? Balcony?. Plants are currently keeping me sane ish.
Are you registered with council and HA for a 3 bed home?

Butterlover1 · 04/08/2022 14:30

Could making the livingroom their shared bedroom be possible? Maybe with some curtains to provide a bit of separation?

Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 14:32

thank you for responding,
I honestly thought I'd be fine in the living room and it was a massive project for me to shift half of the old furniture and create their bedrooms. I did this before the ex-H got unwell with knowing every other weekend I would be having DD's bedroom to re-charge my batteries whilst they were with him.

My long term plan is to move in 2 years when they can commute to school, as an hour away would give us a bigger place with enough bedrooms and a garden for the same amount I am paying now.

I just need to get through these couple of years without my mental health deteriorating - which always seems to happen during school holidays when I feel like I 'should be doing more'. But then how much more is even realistic!
We seem to be our worst own enemies with trying to do more than we actually can.

OP posts:
Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 14:38

Butterlover1 · 04/08/2022 14:30

Could making the livingroom their shared bedroom be possible? Maybe with some curtains to provide a bit of separation?

the living room is attached to the kitchen, not open plan but without a door if that makes sense.
I had looked into dividing the bigger bedroom for them but that was too small to be feasible and nice looking.
Loved the idea of them being able to have friends round more,
now hating it as I don't really want to be seen sleeping on my sofa by their friends if they stay over!😂
Don't get me wrong, my flat is actually quite nice looking, it is just too small and I resent not being able to afford 'better' despite working hard.
Maybe I am too much looking at the same four walls day in/ day out.
Need to force myself to leave the flat more, but when I get down I tend to stay in for days which I know isn't good or healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 14:43

Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 14:28

Do you have any outdoor space at all op? Small bit of garden? Balcony?. Plants are currently keeping me sane ish.
Are you registered with council and HA for a 3 bed home?

yes, we have a communal garden which I went slightly manic on restoring to become a nice place as the council wasn't doing any maintenance.
I have planted flowers/ cut trees, mowed the lawn and put up a bench, even joined a local volunteering gardening group for the area.

I really shouldn't complain, I don't know why I am feeling so useless at the moment when I have an outside space to relax in as well. I just haven't felt like even using the space that I have created there.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 04/08/2022 14:50

Ah, that does sound tough OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. Glad that you have a longer term plan. Have you considered holiday house swapping so you could have a change of scenery (and maybe get a bed for a few nights)...or perhaps offer your services out as a house/pet sitter while people are on holiday.

DragonflyNights · 04/08/2022 14:54

Honestly that would drive me crazy as I love my own space, and i’ve been solo parenting a long time, so truly hats off to you OP. It sounds really tough. I did wonder as the kids are 12 & 13 now if you could move forward your planned move to somewhere a bit further out? Two years is a long time, maybe 12 months would be more manageable and they’d both be older then anyhow?

RosiePosie27 · 04/08/2022 14:57

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this OP. Can’t really offer more advice than what others have suggested but I truly hope things get better 🌸

Fairyliz · 04/08/2022 15:03

I can’t offer any practical advice but just to say you sound like a lovely mum and you have two brilliant children.
Try not to stress too much about them having ‘things’. I know it seems important but you are giving them a much more important lesson about having to work in life and make the best of what happens.
Lots of kids now grow up spoilt and entitled and then can’t cope when it’s not all sunshine and rainbows as an adult.
Just be proud of how well you are doing and remember life can change in a heartbeat. My mum was a struggling single mum then met my lovely stepdad in her 50’s and had a great life for the next 30 years.

WonderingWanda · 04/08/2022 15:06

Sounds tough op. Get yourself outside for a walk once a day maybe take picnic tea to the beach after work. Get yourself down to the garden for a cuppa once a day. Your kids can manage without hosting sleepovers for a year or two as well. Sounds like you are doing a great job!!

TeeBee · 04/08/2022 15:07

Also, at 12 I was commuting around an hour to school every morning by bus. It was fine.

TeeBee · 04/08/2022 15:08

Do you know someone who could put you up for a few days as a break? Or can you put a tent up in the communal garden for your kids and their friends so you can have the bed for a night? Obviously depends on how amenable your neighbours are to this.

neveradullmoment99 · 04/08/2022 15:14

Could you share your room with your daughter? She can have it during the day but at night, you could go into sleep. I used to share with my gran! We had our own beds obviously.

Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 15:55

thank you everyone, also for your kindness.
Some great suggestions here so definitely taking those on board.
Might not allow for them to camp in the garden as it's not quite safe enough at night, even if it's just for the foxes and what those get up to at night there 😆

You are actually making me think to move sooner than the two years,
I know they could cope as they are very responsible for their age (with minor moments of stupidity thrown in) but I don't want to make their life harder if that makes sense. They are already dealing with the dad situation emotionally and I would like them to be able to enjoy time with their friends.

I might just sleep in my daughter's bedroom for a few nights or sell the idea of a fun movie night in the living room to them to then have an early night of star fishing in her bed!!

OP posts:
Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 15:59

TeeBee · 04/08/2022 15:08

Do you know someone who could put you up for a few days as a break? Or can you put a tent up in the communal garden for your kids and their friends so you can have the bed for a night? Obviously depends on how amenable your neighbours are to this.

My family is not in the UK, yet another life decision I made that wasn't the smartest, to move abroad and not having family around as a result.
My mum is the kindest person and would have us over in a heart beat/ look after the kids to allow me to recharge my batteries but it's not an option.
I have a good friend though who can have them every now and then (and I have hers in return) but right now I feel like hiding under a duvet for a week.

OP posts:
Cotherstone · 04/08/2022 16:08

Is there room to put your wfh kit in one of the bedrooms, or could you work on just a laptop some days, just so you are sitting in a different room?

The cabin pressure must be awful and I feel for you. Maybe tiny changes like making yourself go for a walk before starting work or at lunch time could help break it up a bit? Start a silly and cheap hobby like geocaching with the girls to get out?

Alternatively, they sound old enough and sensible enough for you to explain some of this to them, and all talk together about changing where you sleep some nights so that everyone gets a turn in a good space?

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 04/08/2022 16:34

Is there space to partition a little bit of the living room off into your bedroom area?
Using shelves/storage/partitions
Theres some good ideas here & have added some photos for inspiration.
www.thespruce.com/bedroom-in-a-studio-apartment-4158707

Will it get better? (not really AIBU)
Will it get better? (not really AIBU)
Will it get better? (not really AIBU)
lollipoprainbow · 04/08/2022 16:39

Feel a little bit like this, we have tiny rental flat my dd has so outgrown her bedroom so has taken over mine! We have no garden so we have no escape. Like you we have the beach within walking distance but I would love to move somewhere bigger, all the rentals in my area are so expensive and hard to come by. I applied to the housing association and was told it was a 5-7 year wait to be housed and that's if I'm even allowed to be accepted into the list. Depressing really.

Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 16:58

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 04/08/2022 16:34

Is there space to partition a little bit of the living room off into your bedroom area?
Using shelves/storage/partitions
Theres some good ideas here & have added some photos for inspiration.
www.thespruce.com/bedroom-in-a-studio-apartment-4158707

I really like the idea of the Billy book case partition, going to look into this. Thank you. Only thing is my landlord doesn't allow me to drill anything into the walls and I would have to if I moved corner sofa and the TV to be put over mantel piece.
Also, no more dining table then for lack of space which is a bit sad but probably worth the gain of having an actual personal space and bed again

OP posts:
Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 17:01

lollipoprainbow · 04/08/2022 16:39

Feel a little bit like this, we have tiny rental flat my dd has so outgrown her bedroom so has taken over mine! We have no garden so we have no escape. Like you we have the beach within walking distance but I would love to move somewhere bigger, all the rentals in my area are so expensive and hard to come by. I applied to the housing association and was told it was a 5-7 year wait to be housed and that's if I'm even allowed to be accepted into the list. Depressing really.

sounds like we are in the same city.
I haven't even bothered to apply to the HA as I feel I don't have a strong enough case with others probably even more overcrowded and I KNOW I could just move further out...but I don't want to just yet until it's less stressful for all

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 04/08/2022 17:02

Agree with others. Take a room back and do partition between kids areas or take part of living room.

Honestly, if people can't have space, kids have to share, it is simple as that. We shared until 18 when one of us left. Had the biggest room, separated for some privacy. Absolutely fine

Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 17:15

Bubblebubblebah · 04/08/2022 17:02

Agree with others. Take a room back and do partition between kids areas or take part of living room.

Honestly, if people can't have space, kids have to share, it is simple as that. We shared until 18 when one of us left. Had the biggest room, separated for some privacy. Absolutely fine

I shared with my sister as well until I moved out at 19, but we weren't boy and girl.
I find with puberty they need to be allowed to have their private space really. They were fine to share for the previous 3 years that we have already lived here and they mostly get on great but really.. I want them to be able to enjoy their teenage years and not look back at it with thoughts that it was tough. I was always allowed to have friends over when I was their age and it's one of the things I will always appreciate

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 04/08/2022 17:18

I shared with my brother too. We all preffered food in a fridge to big space which my parents couldn't afford.

We also had friends over. 1 was out other had friends in. It just took a bit of organising. Each to their own, but if the money or option for bigger isn't there, people have to do what needs to be done and compromise (like the times having friends in)

Original poster
missverstaendnis · 04/08/2022 17:27

Bubblebubblebah · 04/08/2022 17:18

I shared with my brother too. We all preffered food in a fridge to big space which my parents couldn't afford.

We also had friends over. 1 was out other had friends in. It just took a bit of organising. Each to their own, but if the money or option for bigger isn't there, people have to do what needs to be done and compromise (like the times having friends in)

re-assuring and comforting perspective.
Well not re-doing the bedrooms yet again as it was A LOT of work on my own, taking down old furniture, building new ones (and saving up for a year) but I have taken onboard the suggestions of altering the living room again to create my own space which somehow never occurred to me before ,

OP posts: