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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial separation

46 replies

Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 09:45

Hi All,

I need some advice and probably and outsiders opinion as this has started to become a repetitive pattern in our household.

My husband and I have been married just over 10 years. We have a DS who is 3. I am the higher earner compared to my husband. We both work full time. I do more of the housework, which I don’t mind but his not as ‘hands on’ dad as he thinks - generally gets frustrated when at the LO and doesn’t have patience, which makes it a little harder for me to just get in with the household chores.

anyways -last night we had another argument about money. Both of our wages go into one bank, we then put into a savers account, a savers account our LO and a different bank for expenditure (food/clothes/petrol). He will also take £100 and will also support his parents every month with £200.

however over time I’ve been told things like I am controlling, I count every penny etc. How he wished he could spend more, give more to his parents etc. I am always made to feel like the one who is wrong, who is unfair.

last night I had enough - this happens every month. I’ve now said going forward from next month, he will Pay half the bills, I pay half the bills, he will pay half the household expenses and I will pay half, we will both put a certain amount into savings each month - I will put 2/3 as I do earn much more. And whatever is left over we can both spend or save but it’s our own personal allowance.

Would you have done the same thing? I’ve woke up and feel like maybe I was a bit harsh. But on the other hand I think this should sort the matter. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 09:56

Bumping for traffic - please

OP posts:
Nomorefuckstogive · 04/08/2022 10:00

I think this sounds perfectly reasonable TBH. It isn’t your job to support his parents either - it’s his personal choice.

luxxlisbon · 04/08/2022 10:00

Well firstly YABU to split bills and expenses 50/50 when you are married with a child and you earn more money.
Do you have an issue with the money he spends? Do you make comments? There’s really not enough to go off here. You say he mentions this frequently - is there truth in that? Do you feel that he can’t manage finances well?

Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:03

@luxxlisbon his not very good with money, over spends and buys far too much. He would not have any money saved if I didn’t help him too. His family are quite manipulative and will play the ‘poor/old age card’ and somehow he feels obliged to pay for them. I genuinely don’t mind helping them with money but giving them £200 most months and some months it can be as much as £500. I didn’t sign up for that

OP posts:
JustLyra · 04/08/2022 10:06

50/50 might not be fair if you earn considerably more.

That said your current set up where you both have the same amount of spends (that’s what I’m reading) is very fair so why is he grumbling?

How much do you usually have each leftover?

luxxlisbon · 04/08/2022 10:07

@Shitgotrealagain yeah you aren’t wrong to have an issue with that. Curious, is this a cultural element? Because I’m that case I imagine this will be a life long issue.
Agree a set amount per month that you both get as spending money. If he wants to spend that on his parents while you spend yours on fun that is his decision! But ones it’s gone no more comes from the family pot.

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2022 10:08

There are two separate issues I think.

  1. No it’s not reasonable to split bills 50/50 when one party earns significantly more.
  2. You don’t have to contribute to his family if you don’t want to but he should have a pot each month he can do what he likes with (as should you).
  3. The person earning more does not imo have a right to dictate the major spending decisions.
Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:10

@JustLyra if we go with the proposed idea, he will have £200- £300 left over every month. I will have £700-800 a month.

@luxxlisbon he is a different culture to me although both born and bred in UK.

OP posts:
Adversity · 04/08/2022 10:11

What’s the actual ratio of earnings ?

Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:16

I don’t earn thousands more then he does but I do earn at £800 more. Also his expenditure is obviously more as he would rather give his family the money where as I would rather use the money to save more, and have Fun

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 04/08/2022 10:18

@Shitgotrealagain if we go with the proposed idea, he will have £200- £300 left over every month. I will have £700-800 a month.

Perhaps he just feels it is unfair that you both work hard and full time but you have almost 4 times the amount of disposable money as him. In a genuine, committed marriage it doesn’t really work unless you both feel equal and the amount of money you have has a big impact on that.

Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:21

@luxxlisbon I think I’ve opened a can of worms because it’s not just the financial side. It’s the amount of times he goes out and does his sports etc whereas I’m expected to be at home to look after LO. If I go out he will call and check upon me multiple times. It’s such a clash of cultures as he feels like because his the man he should dictate almost every situation but unfortunately he can’t because that’s not how it works. In terms of money I never dictate but I always advice firmly as it will not only benefit myself, and him but our LO future

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2022 10:29

@Shitgotrealagain

Then your issues are that your marriage is in difficulty. The money is a smokescreen.

JustLyra · 04/08/2022 10:29

Are you planning on ending your marriage?

If you’re going to stay together then such a large disparity in spends isn’t going to work. The bills should either be done on a percentage or it should be all into one pot then equal amount into spending pots (own accounts - keeps it cleaner) for you to do whatever.

If you’re planning on ending your marriage then saving as much as possible of your salary is wise.

JustLyra · 04/08/2022 10:30

Given from what you’ve said he’s lazy in the house, not great with the DC, leaky with money and just fucks off whenever he feels like it then what good does he actually bring to your house?

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 04/08/2022 10:32

It isn't fair that it is a 50:50 split.

You would be being called all sorts of names if roles were reversed.

Mercurial123 · 04/08/2022 10:32

Did he discuss helping his parents financially before you got married? It's normal in Middle Eastern and Asian cultures especially if they are in need of assistance.

Iamclearlyamug · 04/08/2022 10:32

The money he gives to his parents should come out of his personal spends, not the family pot

Diablocircus · 04/08/2022 10:33

Is it possible that you are starting to resent your husband, as he doesn’t do as much around the house and isn’t stepping up for your son as much as you would like?

Could it be that you also feel a bit irritated that he’s supporting his parents financially, which is essentially taking money away from your immediate family, and now you are changing the financial arrangements to try and compensate for all of the above?

It does sound like you are being taken advantage of a little bit. Working full time with a young child is really hard, I assume for your salary your job is also quite demanding, as well as the responsibility of running a home.

Can you get a cleaner with your left over income to help you?

Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:35

@JustLyra I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure he brings any good into the marriage or house anymore. In fact I feel like me and LO are so much happier without him. But I think I still love him and can’t bare to think what I will do if I lost him. It’s hard to explain, maybe I’m so used to him that I can’t of life without him.

this is so hard :(

OP posts:
Lou98 · 04/08/2022 10:36

I personally couldn't know that I have £700-800 a month disposable when my Husband only has £200-300.

Personally I don't think 50/50 bills is fair when you earn more and that is usually the advice given to women on here too. However, I wouldn't be including the money he gives to his parents in the bills, that should come from his personal money. I do think you should both be left with more or less the same after bills, savings etc and then you can both choose what to do with your money.

Your last update though I would say is your bigger issue. I'm all for still being able to go out once you have kids but that should work both ways and he should still be doing his share with the kids. If you're considering leaving him obviously that changes things financially

Original poster
Shitgotrealagain · 04/08/2022 10:38

@Diablocircus I think you have got it spot on. I am starting to resent him. If I stopped doing everything I am doing, I can guarantee you my house and child would not be looked after. I do feel like I am being taken advantage of. If I ever try and sit down and speak to him he will always say but I haven’t got a problem, I’m not the problem, maybe you should stop doing this etc. he always somehow throws it back to me, as if I am to blame

OP posts:
Iamdonewiththis · 04/08/2022 10:38

Reverse this and ask the same question.... if he was the higher earner and you the lower and both work full time. When women ask they get the keep your money you earnt it responses when men do it's why should he keep it all your married it should be split.

Your marriage sounds hard work, why argue over who earns more and so pays more out. Circumstances can and do change and suddenly it may be the other way and you might regret your meanness then? You help your parents with £200 a month and he would like to help his.

Iamdonewiththis · 04/08/2022 10:41

This is spot on:

luxxlisbon · Today 10:18
@Shitgotrealagain if we go with the proposed idea, he will have £200- £300 left over every month. I will have £700-800 a month.
Perhaps he just feels it is unfair that you both work hard and full time but you have almost 4 times the amount of disposable money as him. In a genuine, committed marriage it doesn’t really work unless you both feel equal and the amount of money you have has a big impact on that.

Perhaps he needs to do move around the home and then less resentment which is spilling over into other areas. Many women earn less yet the money goes into the 'family pot' you don't sound like a family pot works and you want more of what you earn.

FrownedUpon · 04/08/2022 10:41

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible TBH. If you really think you’re happier without him, then it isn’t a successful marriage and it’s time to rethink.