Financial separation

[Shitgotrealagain]

Hi All,

I need some advice and probably and outsiders opinion as this has started to become a repetitive pattern in our household.

My husband and I have been married just over 10 years. We have a DS who is 3. I am the higher earner compared to my husband. We both work full time. I do more of the housework, which I don’t mind but his not as ‘hands on’ dad as he thinks - generally gets frustrated when at the LO and doesn’t have patience, which makes it a little harder for me to just get in with the household chores.

anyways -last night we had another argument about money. Both of our wages go into one bank, we then put into a savers account, a savers account our LO and a different bank for expenditure (food/clothes/petrol). He will also take £100 and will also support his parents every month with £200.

however over time I’ve been told things like I am controlling, I count every penny etc. How he wished he could spend more, give more to his parents etc. I am always made to feel like the one who is wrong, who is unfair.

last night I had enough - this happens every month. I’ve now said going forward from next month, he will Pay half the bills, I pay half the bills, he will pay half the household expenses and I will pay half, we will both put a certain amount into savings each month - I will put 2/3 as I do earn much more. And whatever is left over we can both spend or save but it’s our own personal allowance.

Would you have done the same thing? I’ve woke up and feel like maybe I was a bit harsh. But on the other hand I think this should sort the matter. Thoughts please?

Not to mention his very very defensive and never says sorry. He will 90% of the time have a moody face - scrunched up face and quite a few people have commented on it. I am most of the time happy and bubbly. I can’t sit with a moody or angry face it’s not me. The 10% of the time he is happy it’s only when his going out to play a sport or speaking to his family.

it never used to be like this. I fell in love with his smile, his smile would shine so bright, but over time that’s gone and his now a moody man.

All money into one pot, bills paid (including things like groceries, clothes for child etc etc). Agreed amount into shared savings. Remainder split 50/50 for you to each do as you wish - he can give some to his family, you can save some more etc etc.

I can’t understand how any family doesnt operate like this. I earn 5 times as much as my partner and I wouldn’t be able to keep the extra for myself, even if I don’t always love what she spends on.

Doesn’t solve the fact that your husband is sexist and lazy though.

What you have suggested is more or less what we do. I am the major earner. We worked out what our monthly expenditure is and split that 50:50, putting it into a joint account. Whatever is left out of my OH monthly income he keeps for personal spending and I keep the equivalent in my personal account for my personal spending. I put anything left over into a savings account we can both access. We don't take anything out of savings without discussion. I choose to put some of my money away into a personal savings account. I don't ask what my OH does with his. We are both responsible for buying cards, presents etc. for our own sides of the family.

I think you need to think about that more than the money side. Having more cash won’t make you happier if it’s a side issue.

Especially as it’s likely to cause resentment and issues with him so that side of things will get worse.

If you and your LO are happier without him around that’s very telling.

Dh and I have always had separate accounts but pay equal bills. We earn roughly the same. I couldn't live with someone who studied what I spent my money on. I'm very generous and often treat my sisters/ parents to holidays/ meals etc whereas my dh isn't.

i really think you should stick to 50/50 regardless of earnings after reading your comments after the original post. Keep doing what you are doing and put your savings elsewhere that he doesnt know then when you are ready to leave you have your own money and havent paid for his parents.

@bluekostree when he takes his £100 every month and then also sends the £200 for his parents. It’s usually from our family pot. I never ever take that amount, but he does study what I spend and on who even if it’s like £10. It’s like his okay to do what he wants but when it comes to me I need to be this obeying and thoughtful wife that earns and works full time, pays the bills, looks after the child and runs the house.

Ok, you need to seriously consider leaving him.

Every post you make makes him sound worse, and more controlling.

I hate how easily LTB is thrown around on here, but it sounds like you really should think about it.

In that case op try separate accounts.

I don’t agree that it’s unfair to split the bills evenly. The OP earns more, and (like most women) also takes on a disproportionate share of the (unpaid) household and childcare labour. He’s not contributing equally, and then he’s diverting significant amounts of household income to his family.

I think it’s fine, given all of that, to say that you’ll split the costs of life and he can just live within his means.

The standard ‘if the husband did this, he’d be considered financially abusive’ comparison doesn’t hold here.

in those situations, he’s usually benefitting from her unpaid labour in taking on more of the housework and family responsibilities, and using that to earn more. They’re both contributing a great deal so it would be ridiculous for him to decide to limit her access to money.

Here the OP earns more, contributes more to the household, tries to be more sensible with money. He just isn’t holding up any part of the bargain. If he pulled his weight equally at home and took responsibility for managing his spending better, it’d be different. But he doesn’t. He just wants to benefit from the OP’s labour and earnings.

@JustLyra I’ve considered leaving him soo many times, but I always somehow end up staying. Over the last few years I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am and what makes me happy only just to keep him happy. Even if that means me being tired, me juggling a hundred things at one time. Maybe I need to reconsider everything.

When women ask they get the keep your money you earnt it responses when men do it's why should he keep it all your married it should be split

Not really.if the woman was the lower earner and expecting between £200-£500 of her husbands salary to contribute to her parents lifestyle, I'm sure everyone would be telling her it's unfair on her husband.

I hate all this 'well of the roles we're reversed everyone would be handing your arse to you on a plate', because its irrelevant. The roles AREN'T reversed so it's a moot point.

Do you know, OP: it is easier to be a single parent than to live like this. You don’t end up with any additional work - because you’re already doing it all. But you lose the effort of trying to manage this bullshit all the time.

You deserve better than this. He’s taking the piss majorly.

I would change it slightly so that you pay equally to the savings and have a higher portion of personal savings

Still leaves OP with considerably more money than her DH even after giving them money.

It isn't a moot point. It is double standards, whether you accept it or not.

It’s also a fundamentally stupid comparison because of all additional household labour than most women contribute. They might earn half what their husband does, but they very often do the school runs, most of the housework, cook all the meals (and all the background stuff on which that relies), take the time off work every time the kids are unwell, and so on.

Household contributions are not just measured in salary. Where women are higher earners, it very often turns out that they’re also contributing far more unpaid labour too.

I know it sounds really basic, but have you tried writing a pros and cons list?
Sometimes a visual thing can really help. Many years ago I was urged to write one when I was considering taking my ex back, and it really really helped as the starkness was there to see.

You matter. You and your LO matter. Your happiness matters. If you don’t matter to him, then he’s not bringing what he should to your life.

The money situation is a bit of a red herring here. It’s not about money or housework. It’s about respect and happiness. He should respect you and care about your happiness, like you do his, and it doesn’t seem like he does. Relationships are meant to be give and take between you. He’s doing all the taking and none of the giving.

But if he’s not putting his fair share in in any way (and taking more from the shared pot for his family), then he frankly deserves to have less money.

It’s the usual misogynistic double standards around expectations for what men should contribute to family life that underlies the idea that he’s somehow entitled to and equal share of spending money when he objectively contributes far less in every way.

He has changed soo much in the last few years. Early in our marriage he was very much supportive of everything I do, going to get a degree and his family where not prioritised as much. But for the last few years it seems everything is revolved around the happiness of his family, whether that be financial support, emotional support etc. there is very little left of what used to be a loving relationship. I think this is the beginning of the end. I need to start sorting out my finances and leave

He's financially abusing you with your own money!

Salary paid into separate accounts. You each transfer the same amount into the joint account for household expenses. You can do what you want with your leftover money and he can do what he wants with his.

If anyone tried to question what I was spending my money on, the conversation would no go well for them.