AIBU to follow a healthy lifestyle whilst TTC?

[Superstorefan123]

So for background, I have PCOS which unfortunately is very much ‘triggered’ by lifestyle factors (when I become overweight I stop ovulating, if I don’t exercise my cycle is irregular that type of thing). I’ve also recently had a miscarriage.

Back on TTC and want to spruce up my health a bit - loss a bit of weight (I’m only about 5lbs overweight), stop drinking alcohol/caffeine, do some exercise, taken vitamins that sort of thing. To be clear I’m not saying everyone HAS to do this to get pregnant - I however unfortunately do 😞 (all recommendations doctor given before turning to medication) so it’s fair to say I’m taking it pretty seriously!

I try not to bring up why I’m doing any of this when asked (eg why aren’t you drinking tonight) and say something generic like ‘just cutting down a bit’ but a few friends have clocked based on history (knew I was TTC before miscarriage) and I’ve had so many comments along the lines of;

‘I didn’t do any of that and got pregnant straight away. Maybe just relax and see what happens?’

‘Its excessive to stop drinking wait until you get a positive! You aren’t even pregnant yet!’

‘stop being boring you’ll regret not drinking when you can’t drink’

‘I didn’t take any supplements and my baby turned out perfect, you don’t want to take loads of unnecessary stuff’ (I’m only taking pregncare)

Its upset me as it seems like people think lifestyle changes are pointless, maybe they are? Maybe fertility is just good/bad luck and nothing I can do to change it? I feel so helpless I just wanted to give myself a boost but now I feel silly and like I shouldn’t bother :(

AIBU to follow lifestyle changes or does it really make no difference and I should listen to friends?

Do whatever is right for you. You don't have to justify these reasons to anyone. Perhaps if someone says something like 'I didn't have to try to do all these things and fell pregnant as soon as I tried' you could reply something like 'that must have been wonderful. Some of us aren't so lucky'.

You are only bu in having these arseholes as friends. Of course a healthy lifestyle can help with conception, it can help with all ailments so your friends trying to bully you into drinking whether TTC or not are not friends they are twats.

I had similar comments when me and DH hit 1 year of ttc with no luck we switched to a whole food diet, no meat, no alcohol and limited caffeine. But we fell pregnant a few months into our new lifestyle changes so I'm glad we went for it

Why on earth are all your friends thinking they have a right to comment. So bloody rude. Of course it's not wrong of you to eat healthy and take supplements. Some people get weird when you first cut out drinking no idea why. Maybe because they don't want to be the only one drinking. It says more about them than you.

AIBU to follow lifestyle changes or does it really make no difference and I should listen to friends? I'd listen to your Dr not your friends who sound very unsupportive tbh.

No I think you are being entirely responsible and sensible. I’ve had a very mixed bag when it comes to fertility, but after my miscarriages I was very strict about myself diet, supplements, exercise and alternative therapies, and had healthy children.

People like those talking to you think they are invincible, until something happens to them, and then they get perspective.

Best of luck to you.

Don’t tell them anything moving forward
none of their business
also assess their validity as friends

of course not BU x

@Ontomatopea you’ve hit the nail on the head, people seem to take not drinking sooooo personally - like you are refusing to have fun or something?! I’ll still go out and have fun but just without alcohol!

@Recycledcurtains i think some friends who conceived whilst overweight/no vitamins/drinking etc seem to take it very personally that I am not doing that but there really is no judgement. How fantastic to be able to conceive healthy children without the effort, unfortunately it isn’t the case for everyone and lifestyle does have an annoyingly massive effect on me.

It's very controlling for your friends to want so much input into what you're eating and drinking. I'd back off from them a bit, that'll help. Good luck and I hope you get your baby soon.

I'm a doctor and definitely think YANBU. There's evidence that good diet definitely affects the quality of your eggs and chances of fertility. Generally this means 'mediteranean diet' or similar. Likewise being the ideal weight gives you the best chance. There's no reason to get overly stressed about it or feel guilty for the occasional 'cheat' but it sounds like you're being entirely sensible about this. Keep going and forget what other people think.

Taking folic acid and avoiding alcohol are also a must IMO if you're ttc. Both have been responsible for adverse outcomes for baby.

Best of luck OP. You sound lovely and smart and I'm sure you'll make a great mummy x

Your body your choice. As you say you're in a different situation to others and your body may have different needs. Also i found lifestyle change actually prepped me quite well for pregnancy.

Also get some myo-innistol. Its better than any medication i tried for PCOS. I wish doctors actually knew about it. I had such irregular ovulation, tried metformin, exercise, diet change and the effects were sporadic at best. 2 months of myo-innistol and i could pinpoint my ovulation to an exact day and had a perfectly regular cycle. You can get it in some health food shops or online. Ovasitol is a brand alot of pcos-ers use but its stupidly pricey and the stuff from places like natures best works just as well.

They are just projecting their own insecurities

This is something I struggle with in my own head. My lifestyle isn't perfect but I have massively cut down on alcohol and caffeine since beginning TTC a year and a half ago. I'm a wee bit overweight and eat way too much sugar. I used to have a really 'party' lifestyle and a lot of my friends still do. I find it really hard to always say no, and then I think about those people who say "oh I conceived the month I went out and got super drunk and stopped worrying about what I was eating" and I think well what is the point... but I guess everyone is different. I finally decided to start watching my calories and it's a little miserable tbh but I hope it pays off. You definitely aren't being unreasonable to look after your body, the home of your future baby!

@Nahimjustaworm the last line made me cry - thank you so much and for the reassuring advice x

For some reason so many people hate it when people make healthy changes. I can only guess they’re projecting their own insecurities, feeling judged. I spend years and years morbidly obese living off junk with no comments. Then give up the junk and lose a few pounds and get comments about how I should be careful, don’t go too extreme, don’t lose weight too quickly. It’s ridiculous!

Making healthy changes will not harm your chances of getting pregnant, they’ll probably help, and (in my experience) anything that helps you feel positive and in control is a good thing.

Sprucing up your health can only do you/ any pregnancies good so it's worth doing.

TBH if these are lifestyle friends who take umbrage at you watching your diet and drink, they may be difficult to maintain friendship with around family life.

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance interesting, I had heard of this but was a bit nervous about taking something that wasn’t specifically marketed as a TTC tablet.. I think pregnacare has insitol in it, is that different to myo-insitol? I might have a look online thanks so much!

I don't think so, I can't think what insecurity it is. It's a throwaway comment, I'd probably think the same until you explained (like the alcohol) because I've not been there.

Definitely continue improving your health, no question. Don't base your chances for success on what your friends think.

Your friends sound really odd! I can't imagine anyone thinking it's not a good idea. Are you quite young? Most people I know conceived in their 30s and as such by law of averages you know some will have had to try a little harder to conceive. I can only really imagine those comments if you were v early twenties with buckets of time and maybe not much life experience.

Pregnacare has a small amount (50mg) believe recommend amount for PCOS is about 4g a day, so big difference.

There's a growing body of evidence it supports conception. Most studies are undertaken in cases of fertility treatment. But the anecdotal evidence is vast. I dont think we'll get any decent studies done however as its not a marketable drug so no pharma funding and PCOS is a hugely under researched area.

Jesus you need better friends. They are bitches, not friends.

@KateRusby yeah we are in our twenties (late twenties to be fair!) and the majority aren’t at this stage yet. To be honest though the worst comments I’ve had have been from people who have children but conceived easily (whilst drinking, no folic acid etc) - maybe just assume if it worked for them it will work for everyone?!

@ILikeHotWaterBottles yep, to be honest It’s made me decide to keep any TTC news between me and my partner as the judgement just isn’t worth it…

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance interesting! I’ll definitely do some research thank you so much