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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cautious about DS20 very new relationship as she’s decided to move country for him?

42 replies

Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 00:15

DS who is 20 but still lives at home, is going abroad for an exciting job opportunity for one year. It’s great for him and he’s really excited. I had to help with accommodation and start up costs for him but I thought he could really do with spreading his wings.

But I’ve got a bad feeling about his new relationship. He’s met a girl online who lives elsewhere in Europe, they’ve had a bit of a whirlwind romance for a couple of months. As soon as she heard where he was going for his job, she’s now arranged to go and live there in the exact same city too for a year. He didn’t ask her to, she just said that she was always thinking of moving there.

He says she’s shy, and only really likes to see him. His friends are not that keen on her, they felt she hogged all his attention on the few times DS socialised and made no effort to get to know them. She did stay a couple of times in our house, and barely said a word to me even though I chatted to her. DS seemed very protective of her and said she’s shy and basically huddled in his room the whole time with her. At the time I just thought that’s not that abnormal, brushed it off. But a week later she’d decided to move to his city and from the outside seems to be putting an awful lot of pressure on this relationship very soon.

DS is now again getting quite defensive as I’ve said it really looks a bit rushed from the outside, and that moving to his city is quite a step when they’ve only known each other such a short amount of time. He is suddenly saying how amazingly happy he is with her and how meaningful the relationship is. The words just don’t sound that much like him. I just think he’s incredibly naive and by nature is very sweet, very caring and responsible and will spend most of next year not really living his life, but one that centres around a woman he barely knows, and who barely knows him. I’ve said of course I will visit and welcome him, but am just being a bit cautious about his new relationship as it’s not being lead by him. AIBU?

OP posts:
MagnoliatheMagnificent · 04/08/2022 00:43

YANBU - sounds very full on and not what he needs!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 00:48

It may very well be a mistake and end in disaster, but the reality is that your son is 20 years old and you have got to allow him to fuck up. He will then have to learn how to pick up the pieces and move on. It's a life lesson we can only learn through experience.

ImprobablePuffin · 04/08/2022 00:52

He's 20 so it really doesn't matter what you think as it's his life and it's up to him who he chooses to be with

Vikinga · 04/08/2022 01:03

I moved countries to be with my boyfriend from uni but I ended up splitting up with him after 5 years because i was no longer in love with him. Feelings at that age are very strong but they don't necessarily last.

I would tell him to have fun but not to feel obligated to stay with someone just because she moved to be with him. If he's happy with her great but if that changes he shouldn't continue the relationship because of obligation.

DdraigGoch · 04/08/2022 01:39

He's 20. He needs to be allowed to make his own mistakes.

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 01:52

He’s allowed of course to make any decision he likes. I’m allowed to be cautious in my opinion though aren’t I? He seems to want me to be 100% in favour.

OP posts:
sausage767 · 04/08/2022 02:08

I agree, it's disappointing. If he was just staying at home and going to uni etc, 'wasting' a year on a relationship that might ultimately go nowhere is a rite of passage.

But it sounds like your concern is he will waste this amazing opportunity to live in another city by isolating himself with this girl. And while that's justified I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 02:39

@sausage767 yes that’s absolutely it. Not only will he not get to really involve himself in a new circle of friends, great job and new city, but he will by nature feel that he has to look after this girl as a priority, who is needy and exclusive, as she moved for him. He will feel 100% responsible.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 04/08/2022 02:51

I’d be concerned, but you have to let him make his own mistakes. The only advice you can give him is to always take responsibility for contraception, I.e., use a condom, even if his gf says she’s using contraception.

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 11:20

One thing I might do it stop funding so much of this year away for him. He has depended on me for everything as he has no money, so I’ve paid flights, deposit, some rent. But if he’s old enough to make his own mistakes, he’s old enough to fund them.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 12:18

That sounds petty and controlling of of you.

Icecreamclassic · 04/08/2022 12:25

I posted here a few times about my DS, the same age, who seemed to become very intense with a new GF very quickly. They didn't move abroad, but lots of similarities, especially cutting off friends and staying in his room when she's here.

More than a year on they're still together and I still have the same concerns, but I've got used to it a bit.

I learned the hard way that you need to step back. If you try to suggest they cool it or even voice your concerns, you'll end up the bad guy, he will tell her what you've said and then you have the makings of MIL/DIL from hell situation.

I'm actually finding this stage of parenting the hardest of all. There are so many ways I could help/protect them, but I'm not allowed!

Floofboopsnootandbork · 04/08/2022 12:27

Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 11:20

One thing I might do it stop funding so much of this year away for him. He has depended on me for everything as he has no money, so I’ve paid flights, deposit, some rent. But if he’s old enough to make his own mistakes, he’s old enough to fund them.

YABU now

Icecreamclassic · 04/08/2022 12:29

Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 11:20

One thing I might do it stop funding so much of this year away for him. He has depended on me for everything as he has no money, so I’ve paid flights, deposit, some rent. But if he’s old enough to make his own mistakes, he’s old enough to fund them.

Remember this could end up being the mother of youe GC. Do you really want her to be the person you "hated" so much you cut financial support to DS?

For the same reason be careful what you say to DS. He will repeat it to her, they're in love, it's him and her against the world.

She might not and it could be all over within weeks, but she could be.

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 16:35

@Icecreamclassic I don’t have to financially support DS and his GF, they want to be adult, they can pay for themselves. That’s what adults do. It’s nothing to do with hate, which is a bit of an extreme assumption! I don’t know the GF. Which is kind of the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 16:38

I am stepping back. Stepping back emotionally and financially. I’ll let them get on with it. The opposite of control! It still doesn’t mean that I go against my caution and give them both a massive green light by saying I’m 100% backing them. Their choice. Their lives. My choice. My life my money!

OP posts:
Icecreamclassic · 04/08/2022 16:40

Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 16:35

@Icecreamclassic I don’t have to financially support DS and his GF, they want to be adult, they can pay for themselves. That’s what adults do. It’s nothing to do with hate, which is a bit of an extreme assumption! I don’t know the GF. Which is kind of the point.

That's why I put "hate" in inverted commas. Of course you don't hate anyone, but it's so easy for them to take it that way when they're young and irrational.

No you don't have to support him, but it sounds like you were keen to when he was going alone.

I'm just giving a cautionary tale from what I've learned over the last 12 months, but as with him, I guess you'll have to make your own mistakes 😆

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 16:42

Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 16:35

@Icecreamclassic I don’t have to financially support DS and his GF, they want to be adult, they can pay for themselves. That’s what adults do. It’s nothing to do with hate, which is a bit of an extreme assumption! I don’t know the GF. Which is kind of the point.

You don't have to, but given that you were going to fund him then in effect you're telling him you're not supportive of his girlfriend being with him. How else will they interpret that? If it is true live you'll have a MIL black mark from the off.

Goldencarp · 04/08/2022 16:45

ImprobablePuffin · 04/08/2022 00:52

He's 20 so it really doesn't matter what you think as it's his life and it's up to him who he chooses to be with

Oh fgs! There is always one! You don’t just stop caring about their children and their well being just because they are adults you know!

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 17:05

All I’ve said so far is that I respect his decision, but that for me id be cautious as a) they barely know each other, b) she’s driving it all, c) this is a unique one off opportunity for him to widen his horizons and so far his relationship has been very excluding of anyone else. But that it’s his life and to if possible not lose touch with friends.

No hate, but not 100% behind him either. He’s had a lot of money and help off me already, and I’m overstretched as it is, and I only did it tbh as it seemed such a good way for him to just grow and widen his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 17:08

@RedHelenB I may have given the wrong impression. I made no promises re money - have already paid his flights, deposit, insurance etc. But was in my head going to help out a lot more. I deliberately didn’t tell him I’d fund him as part of this is for him to rely less on me.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 04/08/2022 17:12

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 00:48

It may very well be a mistake and end in disaster, but the reality is that your son is 20 years old and you have got to allow him to fuck up. He will then have to learn how to pick up the pieces and move on. It's a life lesson we can only learn through experience.

YANBU but this ^^

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 17:23

I think your decision to cut him off financially is unreasonable because you wouldn’t be taking that step if he were going abroad alone. So it is purely to signal disapproval of his girlfriend who is going with him.

Have you thought about how your DS feels? Going to live abroad at 20 is a big step. Many adults never get up the courage to live and work abroad ever in their lives. It’s a lot easier to take this step with a partner/friend than alone.

So I am not convinced it is all “driven by her” or is adding “pressure” to the relationship. Having someone going with you on one of life’s big adventures makes it much easier and more enjoyable. People are more likely to explore a foreign country and do things when they are not there alone. I’ve been an expat and talked to expats and most often it’s the ones who go alone who get stuck in a rut of going to work, going to limited set of local cafe/shops, and then sticking to their flat. Weekends & holidays they have little to no motivation to explore the foreign country, They’re more likely to get homesick and return early.

I know how you feel though, there is the worry about your DS being heartbroken by this girlfriend, that he’s getting in too deep. But you can’t prevent that. There is no right age where you meet the right person…she could be your future DIL or she could break his heart. You don’t know. It’s scary. I get that as I have 20 something year olds and my DD20 is flying off the the US with her American boyfriend for several months this year to meet his family…and all I can think of is please please God make sure she comes back to the U.K.

Its hard. This letting go part of parenting.

Original poster
Hothotsummer · 04/08/2022 18:48

It’s not the heartbreak if it ends, it’s being in a relationship that excludes everyone else, is very intense and quite needy that bothers me. And being so serious so quickly. Particularly as this is a unique opportunity to meet people through his new job. It was her 100% driving it as he told me several times he wanted to end it before he moved, or at least take a break. She then told him that she just happened to have also found a job in the same city, the week after he told her.

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/08/2022 19:16

Uh oh - you are gonna just push them closer together if you don’t relax a bit about it

just forget about her and leave them to it - don’t pull back on what you offered! They might break up before he goes they might not ! Maybe she won’t even move

if she does and he wasted the year with her then that’s on him really you have to let him learn these things himself

honestly getting involved is the worst thing you can do

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