To be cautious about DS20 very new relationship as she’s decided to move country for him?

[Hothotsummer]

DS who is 20 but still lives at home, is going abroad for an exciting job opportunity for one year. It’s great for him and he’s really excited. I had to help with accommodation and start up costs for him but I thought he could really do with spreading his wings.

But I’ve got a bad feeling about his new relationship. He’s met a girl online who lives elsewhere in Europe, they’ve had a bit of a whirlwind romance for a couple of months. As soon as she heard where he was going for his job, she’s now arranged to go and live there in the exact same city too for a year. He didn’t ask her to, she just said that she was always thinking of moving there.

He says she’s shy, and only really likes to see him. His friends are not that keen on her, they felt she hogged all his attention on the few times DS socialised and made no effort to get to know them. She did stay a couple of times in our house, and barely said a word to me even though I chatted to her. DS seemed very protective of her and said she’s shy and basically huddled in his room the whole time with her. At the time I just thought that’s not that abnormal, brushed it off. But a week later she’d decided to move to his city and from the outside seems to be putting an awful lot of pressure on this relationship very soon.

DS is now again getting quite defensive as I’ve said it really looks a bit rushed from the outside, and that moving to his city is quite a step when they’ve only known each other such a short amount of time. He is suddenly saying how amazingly happy he is with her and how meaningful the relationship is. The words just don’t sound that much like him. I just think he’s incredibly naive and by nature is very sweet, very caring and responsible and will spend most of next year not really living his life, but one that centres around a woman he barely knows, and who barely knows him. I’ve said of course I will visit and welcome him, but am just being a bit cautious about his new relationship as it’s not being lead by him. AIBU?

If he was recently saying he wanted to end it or take a break and now he's saying he's happy and it's such a meaningful relationship, I'd wonder if your pushing back about her is making him more stubborn about being with her. But it could also be that he didn't want a long-distance relationship and now they have the chance to see if it can transition to a "hands on" one. A lot of relationships don't survive that because every-day warts-and-all reality is different from being being on holiday or one person visiting the other and everyone on best behaviour. I'd just keep focusing on the general good aspects of his year away - new job, new connections, new colleagues and friends, seeing a new place, etc. Do you know if they're planning to live together? If they're in different jobs and living separately, especially with flatmates, it could give them each more chances to meet local people (and other expats).

He just turned down a great company accommodation offer, sharing with work colleagues for the whole year (a good deal, with swimming pool, gym access in a complex). There were lots of opportunities to network and make friends, it has events for staff there etc. Instead he’s chosen a small flat quite far from his work, far from anywhere.

Bit of a drip feed there Op re your ds wanting to end the relationship.

@Motnight he’s changed his mind now she’s moving to the same city. I did say that carrying on the relationship and moving was driven by her, in my initial post.

How do you know so much about their relationship? At his age my Mum didn't know the ins and outs of my relationship. Do you actually know a lot of this or are you making assumptions somewhere?

Also, how long is not known each other long? Weeks? Months?

YANBU for being wary, it sounds too intense and she sounds too possessive. As others have said unfortunately I don't think you can't do much about it. I might be wrong, but it sounds like he doesn't see her all the time at the moment, and it's a long distance relationship? It might be that when he's away and spending all his time with her he will reassess things anyway. What seems romantic and lovely from a distance might be too claustrophobic close up.

@Fe345fleur You are right as others have said, not much I can or should do! I was more just checking, would other mums feel the same, feelings not acting I guess.

Were you his favourite number one woman before the girlfriend came along OP?

there’s being concerned about your adult child and there’s being overly invested and you come across as the latter. Cut the apron strings and let him make his own mistakes.

what does his father think?

@Hothotsummer totally understand and yes, think I'd feel the same way too!

My now-wife moved countries to live with me after we'd only been dating for a few months. We wouldn't have moved in together so quickly if we'd both been from the same area, but international long-distance is very hard. I'm very happy that we did that rather than break up over how hard our LDR was. Of course this woman might not be your son's future wife, but I don't think they're doing anything wrong by giving it a go (assuming they're both happy with it).

Whatever you think about his relationship, I wouldn't punish him for it. It's very generous to give him money for his travels and not something that you "have to" do as a parent, but if you were planning to fund him, I wouldn't stop because of this. Presumably you were planning to pay so that he could socialise, enjoy himself, network, etc? Do you no longer want that for him?

Yanbu OP, I'd be worried too. He's so young and needs to spread his wings abit. If the relationship had some balance I could understand but by what you've said it seems she's latched on to him for dear life and he's overcome with emotion by the whole relationship. At that age feelings can seem like they're bigger than the universe itself. Some of the responses on here along the lines of he's 20 so leave him to it or describing how they met and married their now partner at the same age within a week are always the same. Most people would feel as wary as you.

@Floofboopsnootandbork No she's not BU at all! Why should she fund him, for him to waste it thanks to her?

I'm on your side of the fence with this, but the above post is a huge drip feed!

Yes the money was to help with his career and socialising - but he’s not going to be socialising and probably not as focused on his career. I don’t want to fund him and his GF to hole themselves away to be honest!

A shame really, could have been such a good chance to grow into himself, whatever that is, that chance doesn’t come along so easily.

@ThePumpkinPatch I genuinely didn’t realise I was drip feeding and apologise if this was very important information. I thought my post was too long so had shortened it in case it bored everyone!

@Hothotsummer if it helps I think you are making the right decision. It’s not cutting him off. You have contributed towards start up costs. That was kind of you. You are not obligated to do anymore. He is 20 - presumable with a job in the country and qualifications so he is able to earn and support himself.
I would stay breezy but not super interested. Ask occasional after gf and say you hope she is well etc and ask small questions.
it’s likely to end and then you can be there emotionally to help - if he wants that.
my DH always says it’s really important for boys to be independent. If they are not allowed to they will often still take the help but really resent it as it’s best for them to stand on this own.
good luck - my 17 yo DS is also i a similar intense relationship with a shy victim and I have similar concerns - it’s his 1st girlfriend
I have gently laid out some concerns but am now breezy and vaguely interested. Ask after her 1-3 times a week. As a result of my lack of interest he is much more forthcoming with information!

That’s good advice. DS is being a bit out of character in that he is so defensive, demanded that I ‘support their relationship 100%’ - so with kindness (hopefully) I have disengaged as it all seems way too tense and dramatic. Concentrating on him, me, my other child, my life and just refusing to get into ‘it’ with him. So not asking anymore about his relationship but just be ‘breezy’. Like that word!