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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am failing at life

39 replies

Cocopogo · 04/08/2022 00:14

DD (13) tells me at least twice a day how much she hates me, along with him ugly, useless etc. DS (17) breezes through life and I often find myself constantly nagging him to move off the sofa and get a shower, clean his teeth, basic stuff. DP today has shouted at me because DD told him too and then ignored me all evening and got in bed and told me everyone was happy until I walked through the door (from work). I’m now lay on the sofa because DP clearly can’t stand to breath the same air as me wondering wtf parallel universe I just stepped in to.

OP posts:
WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 00:19

Wine helps. 🍷

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 04/08/2022 00:20

bugger poor you that sounds grim.

I guess the only advice I have is don't confuse a shit day with a shit life. I hope tomorrow is better.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 04/08/2022 00:20

I’ve settled for tea since it doesn’t look like I’ll be sleeping anytime soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocopogo · 04/08/2022 00:21

Thanks, that’s true. Hopefully tomorrow will be better

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 04/08/2022 01:43

Your post was unclear OP. Who calls you ugly? And how dare they

capedavenger · 04/08/2022 07:54

DP today has shouted at me because DD told him too and then ignored me all evening and got in bed and told me everyone was happy until I walked through the door (from work

You know that's not ok right?
Does he work as well?
What did the two of them perceive that you had done?
Are you generally happy with your dp?
It sounds like you've been assigned (and accepted) the role of doormat and whipping boy in your family with dp and dd working as a team.
The real question is why you feel you have to put up with it and are you ready to change it?

You deserve better than this op?

HeliosPurple · 04/08/2022 08:02

Wine doesn’t help. It just numbs you and encourages you to either retreat into yourself.

What helps is telling the people in your life who are treating you badly that it’s unacceptable. You don’t have to put up with being shouted at. You should feel safe and loved in your home .

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 04/08/2022 08:20

Everyone was happy before you walked through the door? Great, I would walk back out again, take myself to a friend's, family or Travelodge and leave them to it for a week. Let them see how happy they are when you're not there cooking, cleaning, washing, knowing where everything is etc. Seriously. You DO NOT have to just accept this.

iamaMused · 04/08/2022 08:34

I'm so sorry Cocopogo that sounds absolutely awful for you, I have a method of dealing with that sort of behaviour, I move away from the situation and ask myself, how could I handle this better. Generally my answer is I couldn't as my teenager is laying in wait for me to return from work to lay all their frustrations of the day onto me.

I don't think you are to blame at all as it's very difficult to convince teenagers who think they are right that they are not, especially when they have convinced your partner that you are in the wrong.

Personally I would do as the other post says and find an alternative home for a week. Tell your partner where you are going and why and let's see how they cope. I would expect that they get along fine with your daughter/son stepping up and cleaning (both themselves and the house) when you return you can take the moral high ground and say "great, you've coped without me, I'll happily allow you to take those chores from me" and see how long that lasts.

Good luck op, there'll be hundreds/thousands of us onMN who experience similar, so post your frustrations on here for reassurance and hopefully we can all get through this together.

HauntingScream · 04/08/2022 08:43

Your dh sounds awful. Is your Dd like how she is because she's mimicking him?
It sounds to me that he's the root of all your issues.

Plutoisaplanet · 04/08/2022 08:46

Given you are working and have money come in I’d separate and leave the 3 of them to it. You deserve so much more than this op. The disrespectful/abusive behaviour from their father has clearly rubbed off on the dc

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/08/2022 08:47

Your daughter sounds like a rude little brat. What consequences are there when she speaks to you like that?

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/08/2022 08:48

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 00:19

Wine helps. 🍷

It really doesn't.

jammiewhammie65 · 04/08/2022 08:54

I think I'd start planning to leave. They all seem like arseholes

jammiewhammie65 · 04/08/2022 08:55

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 04/08/2022 08:20

Everyone was happy before you walked through the door? Great, I would walk back out again, take myself to a friend's, family or Travelodge and leave them to it for a week. Let them see how happy they are when you're not there cooking, cleaning, washing, knowing where everything is etc. Seriously. You DO NOT have to just accept this.

Yep. This

Whatsagirlsgottado · 04/08/2022 08:56

You are being bullied in your own home Op. This isn't okay. You deserve respect.

You need to create boundaries, be more assertive. Reward good behavior and following through when they're bad by not making empty threats. If your partner is working against you, you need to get rid of him. Big hugs.

MadeiraMDear · 04/08/2022 09:00

I‘m a fairly laidback parent but if my DD of that age called me ugly there would be consequences. Internet off, phone removed, no treats/pocket money/outings. That’s unacceptable.

WaveyHair · 04/08/2022 09:14

DD (13) tells me at least twice a day how much she hates me, along with him ugly, useless etc.

Sorry, that would get a 'likewise' response from me.

DS would be told to grow up DP would get a response along the lines of 'really, I will bear that in mind'. then book yourself into a nice hotel for the rest of the week, switch off the phone, and let them fend for themselves.

I guess you do all the cooking, cleaning etc?

SaintHelena · 04/08/2022 09:37

How are your finances if you should want to leave, separate from DP, get your own place.
Getting some plans in place to increase your income or whatever is required so that YOU are running your life will make these spiteful comments less upsetting. And give you a happier future to look forward to.

NiqueNique · 04/08/2022 09:46

jammiewhammie65 · 04/08/2022 08:55

Yep. This

Show quote history

This.

Don't threaten, don’t give any ultimatums, but have the money ready in your account and your bag packed. The next time any of them disrespect you like that, put whatever you’re doing down and walk out the door. Get yourself to a hotel and have at least 2 nights and days to just rest, read and look after yourself. If you’ve got family or a good friend you can stay with for few nights after that, even better.

NiqueNique · 04/08/2022 09:48

And it goes without saying that if your partner doesn’t respect you and doesn’t clearly and unambiguously have your back when your children are complaining or getting on your case or being downright disrespectful, then you need to look at your situation more carefully and have a think about what kind of relationship you’re in. You do not have to live like this.

Orangesandlemons77 · 04/08/2022 11:53

I have two DSs the same ages (13 and 17) and I can't imagine them ever saying anything like that to me. It's wrong and I'm sad to hear that they are treating you like that,

Begoniasforever · 04/08/2022 11:57

Why would your partner shout at you purely as your daughter told him to? That’s very odd.

Lwren · 04/08/2022 12:02

Do you have friends or supportive family? Nice colleagues?
That behaviour is disgusting and it shouldn't be tolerated, I've got a teenage son and I'd be brokenhearted by that kind of treatment from him. I can't imagine how awful this is for you.
You need some support to start changing things or leaving, your esteem, self worth etc must be on the bloody floor you poor thing x

Echobelly · 04/08/2022 12:31

TBH, I doubt you're doing anything wrong, so YABU to say you're failing at life. A lot of teens are lazy, and with a lot of teens, as with toddlers, you can be Absolute Super-Parent of the Decade and still end up with a horrible, sulky one - it's kind of luck of the draw with teens and toddlers.

DP is more of a problem, because he sould be backing you up, not complaining teen is being horrible like it's your fault.