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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am failing at life

39 replies

Cocopogo · 04/08/2022 00:14

DD (13) tells me at least twice a day how much she hates me, along with him ugly, useless etc. DS (17) breezes through life and I often find myself constantly nagging him to move off the sofa and get a shower, clean his teeth, basic stuff. DP today has shouted at me because DD told him too and then ignored me all evening and got in bed and told me everyone was happy until I walked through the door (from work). I’m now lay on the sofa because DP clearly can’t stand to breath the same air as me wondering wtf parallel universe I just stepped in to.

OP posts:

jammiewhammie65 · 04/08/2022 14:41

You are not failing at life. Your husband is failing at being a good husband and role model for his children and your kids are failing at having any respect for their mum and being damn right lazy which also comes back to their dad failing at life. If your husband treats you like dirt your children will too because that's what they think is right and normal. It's up to you to show them all this is not ok anymore and do something about it for everyone's sake

BMW6 · 04/08/2022 14:46

I agree with others here. Pack a bag and take yourself off for a week if possible in any way.

Surely there is someone you could stay with? Just to get space away from the toxic shit from those who are supposed to love you?

Frida9 · 04/08/2022 14:57

Op my mum had 3 teenagers at the same time, back then I couldn't stand her. She'd come in from work in a bad mood constantly screaming and shouting at us for minor things (leaving cupboards open, having washing in our rooms, not wanting whatever meals shed bought in) normal teenager stuff. Since I left home 6 years ago we get on so much better. My mum is happier because she has more control and we're all happier because she's not controlling us.
Your situation isn't permanent, you should try and talk to your partner and explain how you're feeling, if they are at all decent they should listen to you and work towards a solution with you.

MarshaBradyo · 04/08/2022 15:04

This isn’t right

You need to stop accepting the abuse and they need to value you or you might just go

UWhatNow · 04/08/2022 15:13

I wouldn’t be passively accepting this. You have to accept a certain amount of kickback in a family and with children (especially teenagers) but when your DH openly disrespects you and your children are rude to you then it’s a big red line.

Rather than leave, I would go completely grey rock. They say you’re a problem - so disappear. Don’t speak to them, look at them, do anything for them. Get your own food and drinks, eat on your own. Don’t do any domestic work apart from
your own. If they ask where something is blankly shrug and say ‘I don’t know’ then go back to ignoring them.

If nothing else it’ll freak them out. Then after a time where you feel that they’ve got the message, and you’ve thought about how far you’re prepared to take this, you have a big serious talk about about they’ve made you feel and consequences if it continues.

Namerchangerextraordinaire · 04/08/2022 16:06

YOU are not failing at life, but your family are failing you.

Testina · 04/08/2022 16:15

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 00:19

Wine helps. 🍷

It doesn’t, and it’s not a helpful comment. It’s quite a stupid one really.

OP, you might want to discuss your situation in more detail in Relationships?

TailSpinner · 04/08/2022 16:19

This is very sad. They treat you horribly.
I’m not sure I could put up with that. I think I’d be out the door. Easier said than done of course.

Original poster

Cocopogo · 04/08/2022 21:25

Failing at life - Day 2
So I went and got in bed, DP ignored me and got up early to ignore me some more.
DD had her phone confiscated then stole it back, then refused to hand it over and I practically wrestled it off her as she told me how much she hated me, I was fat and ugly, and no wonder no one likes me. I lost it, I actually lost the plot, I smashed her phone up. I just smashed it and smashed it and it felt so good. Now I’ll have to pay for a new one and she’s even more fuming at me. DS kicked off in middle of supermarket car park because I dared leave him to put two bags in the boot and take trolley back. I told him not to bother getting in the car, he got him so I opened the door to tell him to get out and he shut the car door on my finger. He then got out and walked the ten minutes home.
I asked DP why he was so angry with me and he said because I annoyed him by saying at the weekend we’d have kfc then telling him when I finished work that I didn’t want kfc and could we order something decent. Is he 12?

I just want my life back, the one where I thought having two preteens was hard and the most I had to worry about was if they had watched cartoons for half an hour longer than they should have. My kids actually hate me. I wish I was exaggerating but it’s true. As for DP, it’s clear it’s over it’s just damage limitation time.

OP posts:

WaveyHair · 04/08/2022 21:53

I really think you need to get away from this toxic situation you are in. You do not need to buy dd a new phone. Your partner can do that for failing to back you up (but well done on fighting back and smashing it).

You ds - I have no words. There is no excuse for his violence & bullying. Dp is just a waste of space & the dc are copying him.

Just pack a bag, drive off to stay in a hotel, with family, friends, anywhere and take a breather. Get some therapy, talk with friends etc and decide where to go from here. Keep your phone off. But do something, you cannot continue like this.

if you do decide to stay for now just grey rock them. Do not response to anything they say or so and just look after yourself.

WaveyHair · 04/08/2022 21:54

In fact if you do buy dd a new phone make it a basic £20 Nokia and tell her that is all she deserves before heading out the door.

TailSpinner · 04/08/2022 22:02

Just get out of there OP. It sounds like a horribly toxic environment. You need a break. Don’t worry about the phone.
Please don’t see this as ‘failing at life’ - you haven’t failed at anything. You’ve been pushed to your limits. Be kind to yourself, especially if they’re not. Tell you’re kids, when they are ready to treat you with respect you’ll be happy to hear from them. You don’t need to say anything at all to your husband. Get some space.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 04/08/2022 22:07

Wtf- how about you book a nice holiday for a week and leave them and see how they cope!

capedavenger · 04/08/2022 22:40

I think you just need to leave to be honest. This situation, with you cast as the villain of every scenario, is toxic and can't continue.
Your children are learning to be bullies and get away with it, your partner is a child and needs to go.
You sound close to breaking point.
If you go away for a week you may find that it just gives them the opportunity to become more angry at them for leaving them to cope.
Can you afford to leave and get a small flat somewhere?
Write each of the kids a letter explaining why you're leaving, that you do want a relationship with them but wherever you're moving to there will be rules and bullying won't be tolerated.
TBH I suspect they're caught in the crossfire of a fraught relationship and might feel some relief that they don't have to be part of that any more.

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