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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to hold our baby unless she’s sitting down?

43 replies

Sitdownwithbaby · 03/08/2022 20:54

My MIL has on the whole always been nice to me and is a nice lady (bit snobby and stubborn but could be worse)

I am pregnant with our first child, her first grandchild. She’s only mid 60’s but is very, very frail - not allowed to drive, never really leaves the house, has no independence, can’t manage food shopping alone etc. She’s very thin and frail.

I might just be being precious but babies can be heavy and don’t really want her standing up and holding the baby, would rather she was sitting down. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving the baby in her care alone anyway as she wouldn’t be able to react to any issues.

DH is very defensive of his Mum and she is a stubborn and proud women. He thinks she’ll be fine and she’s mentioned multiple times she’s brought up 4 children (25 plus years ago, with a nanny). But last weekend she held the 4 month old of a family friend and the baby was clearly too heavy and he was slipping down. The mother’s hints about how he’s heavy and she’ll take him back went ignored until she eventually pretended he needed feeding and grabbed him back.

She‘s so excited about the baby but there anyway of enforcing this without offending her? Or am I being precious?

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 03/08/2022 20:57

Never heard this one before!

no normal person is going to drop a baby, frail or not!

you haven’t said she’s mentally ill so I think you are being ott.

Original poster

Sitdownwithbaby · 03/08/2022 20:58

@Quitelikeit no she’s not mentally ill but can’t even lift the kettle.

If I am being PFB, more than happy to be told!

OP posts:

user1471453601 · 03/08/2022 21:01

You are not being precious imo. I'm in my 70s and I'm quite frail. Id never, ever hold a baby unless I was sat down. I cannot even hold our very tiny Jack Russell 😁.

can you tell your mil without giving offence? Well, if she doesn't accept her frailty (and its a hard thing to accept, so no blame on her if she hasn't got there yet) then I'd say it's unlikely, but necessary.

SlagathaChristie · 03/08/2022 21:05

Perhaps just get in there first, e.g. "Oh, MIL, take a seat and let me hand the baby over to you for a bit." And you might just need to put your foot down, especially with your DH. Safety is more important than feelings.

SpotlessMind88 · 03/08/2022 21:05

I think your feelings are perfectly fine. I would just make sure she was already sitting down before offering her a hold. if she is that frail i can't see her wanting to get up from a seated position while holding a baby to stand or walk and if she does, just say the baby needs feeding and take the baby back.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/08/2022 21:05

I think you are being completely reasonable. DP and I both had our own grandparents who were alive when our first DC was born and they were both too frail to hold the baby standing. If she is frail, even though not that old, she needs support to hold the baby safely do that it can be a happy occasion, not an anxious or terrible one.

You need to work with your DH to find the best way to ensure she is sitting with the baby without upsetting her unduly. Maybe talk to him from a point of view of avoiding upset but don't even allow the possibility that she can stand with the baby. So something like, "how're we going to help your mum feel happy about holding the baby sitting down?"

CurbsideProphet · 03/08/2022 21:06

I don't think YABU to be concerned about how to help her have a relationship with your baby while also being mindful of her physical limitations. If her health / frailty / mobility are such a worry has your DH done anything to try and help her manage this or make her life easier? It sounds very difficult if your DH is ignoring the issue of his mum's health. If she can't lift a kettle does she have carers?

Summersnearlygone · 03/08/2022 21:07

You've obviously got a bit of time to think about it. If you're visiting her it's hard to know why she'd walk about with the baby. If you're going out have baby in a pram or sling. Most granny's love to push a pram so she should be safe doing that.Most women that age are still at work so she must have serious health issues.

Simonjt · 03/08/2022 21:09

If my husband with arthrogryposis in the arms can hold our very wriggly 9 month old, then anyone can hold a newborn safely.

On another note is she getting the help she needs to improve grip strength, reduce the chance of falls etc?

bouncydog · 03/08/2022 21:09

I would just wait and see how she is when baby arrives. You could engineer sitting on the sofa and suggesting she sits beside you and then passing baby over. DH could hover and if she tries to get up could take baby. I do think k your being unreasonable but you need to wait and see as she might just realise her limitations herself. 😀

declutteringmymind · 03/08/2022 21:10

I think this can be done kindly. 'Here, sit down and you'll be able to hold him for longer' 'He's a bit of a wriggler' and if that doesn't work just be straight ' please could you sit down with him, I'm not sure you can manage him, and don't want you to drop him.'

Greensleeves · 03/08/2022 21:11

Your DH needs to get his head on straight, you need him to back you up on this. You're absolutely not being unreasonable, but it will be very hard to enforce this if he isn't on board. I'd sit him down and have it out frankly, I think, before the baby comes.

2022newmee · 03/08/2022 21:11

@Summersnearlygone she hasn’t worked since her first daughter was born, nearly 40 years ago.

she had a sports injury about 10 years ago that she never recovered from and like I said, she’s very thin and it hasn’t served her well in old age. Mentally very switched on.

she lives with FIL (who still works) who does everything and she’s totally reliant on him to do anything which I think has contributed to her physical decline, being stuck in watching tv all day.

Badgirlriri · 03/08/2022 21:11

YABU and PFB. You’ve said you won’t leave the baby unsupervised with her so you can step in if you see the baby slipping down.

Peasinapod9 · 03/08/2022 21:11

Hmm sorry OP. You don’t come off very well here, you sound a bit judgmental (the nanny comment) and clearly don’t like her so it sort of reads like you’re looking for something to criticise her over.

Just tell your DP to tell her that he’d feel more comfortable if she held the baby sitting down. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

bouncydog · 03/08/2022 21:11

Sorry that should have said “don’t think your being unreasonable”!

2022newmee · 03/08/2022 21:13

@Simonjt she doesn’t have carers - her husband and children encourage her to stretch, do exercises etc but she’s not keen and now it feels too late.

Does your husband struggle with the weight? Watching her hold the baby a few weeks ago, he was clearly too heavy and slipping down.

2022newmee · 03/08/2022 21:15

@Peasinapod9 yes fair enough, I have had a lot of judgment from her on how I’ve handled pregnancy (morning sickness is more faint nausea according to her) and that I will go back to work etc so perhaps I am projecting.

Simonjt · 03/08/2022 21:18

2022newmee · 03/08/2022 21:13

@Simonjt she doesn’t have carers - her husband and children encourage her to stretch, do exercises etc but she’s not keen and now it feels too late.

Does your husband struggle with the weight? Watching her hold the baby a few weeks ago, he was clearly too heavy and slipping down.

Yes a bit, only one of his elbows has movement, so the elbow that doesn’t move actually comes in quite handy as it can’t become tired etc, so he uses that as his dominant arm when holding her. He can’t do the usual pick up ‘scoop’ so he has to use a combo of his arms and his body to get her up.

user1471453601 · 03/08/2022 21:20

@Simonjt, for me, it's not My Arms it's My legs. I can fall without knowing why. I just don't have much balance anymore. That's why I certainly would not hold a baby while standing.

many older people are like that . I use a cane, or a walking frame or a mobility scooter to get around in order to be as safe as possible. I cannot walk across a room safely unless I have at least one arm free, to clutch on to furniture door frames or walls.

Stripedbag101 · 03/08/2022 21:21

Simonjt · 03/08/2022 21:09

If my husband with arthrogryposis in the arms can hold our very wriggly 9 month old, then anyone can hold a newborn safely.

On another note is she getting the help she needs to improve grip strength, reduce the chance of falls etc?

Well this is just silly. It’s great your husband can hold a baby but he isn’t the yardstick against which all humans are measured.

my uncle has Parkinson’s and couldn’t hold a baby safely if he was standing.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 03/08/2022 21:30

My DF had some symptoms of dementia (including lack of balance) by the time my DC1 were born. I only allowed him to hold the baby if he was sitting. He was angry with me, but I was very protective of the baby and didn't change my mind. He ended up accepting it.

DoNaeWrong · 03/08/2022 21:36

op it's as simple as this: does your desire to not offend her trump your baby's safety?

no.

so... i'd try and not offend her, but, bluntly put, i don't think most new parents have time to fanny around trying not to offend unbalanced frail relatives, and if she doesn't get your hints and then polite requests.. it's time to simply say (in as a nice a manner as possible, but not backing down) "i'm not confident you can hold the baby weight, i'll hand over once you sit down". and just keep repeating. "oh, you're not sitting. shout me when you're seated so i can hand over"... and repeat repeat.

just don't get dragged into justifying it or trying to tiptoe endlessly around it.

you are going to have to occasionally offend people as a parent. it's part of the job.

AluckyEllie · 03/08/2022 21:42

I think that’s perfectly reasonable. My mum is a fit and able 77year old but occasionally will catch hold of furniture as she walks or sway. I was blunt from the beginning ‘anyone over 75 sits down when holding the baby (only my parents that we know.) She was fine with it although did make some comments like ‘I’m not totally useless yet.’ I just pointed out it was safer and she’d never forgive herself if she dropped them. She agreed and it wasn’t an issue. Get your partner on side and then be blunt from the beginning. She’ll want to hold the baby so should agree! If she tries to ignore you just take the baby off her.

godmum56 · 03/08/2022 21:45

YANBU definitely.

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