To not want MIL to hold our baby unless she’s sitting down?

[Sitdownwithbaby]

My MIL has on the whole always been nice to me and is a nice lady (bit snobby and stubborn but could be worse)

I am pregnant with our first child, her first grandchild. She’s only mid 60’s but is very, very frail - not allowed to drive, never really leaves the house, has no independence, can’t manage food shopping alone etc. She’s very thin and frail.

I might just be being precious but babies can be heavy and don’t really want her standing up and holding the baby, would rather she was sitting down. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving the baby in her care alone anyway as she wouldn’t be able to react to any issues.

DH is very defensive of his Mum and she is a stubborn and proud women. He thinks she’ll be fine and she’s mentioned multiple times she’s brought up 4 children (25 plus years ago, with a nanny). But last weekend she held the 4 month old of a family friend and the baby was clearly too heavy and he was slipping down. The mother’s hints about how he’s heavy and she’ll take him back went ignored until she eventually pretended he needed feeding and grabbed him back.

She‘s so excited about the baby but there anyway of enforcing this without offending her? Or am I being precious?

Your pregnant with ur 1st kid so u are constantly imagining and maybe over thinking future scenarios.

It's ok that u are thinking about situations in the future and how u may handle them - it's quite common as a FTM.

However when the time comes it's actually completely different to how u imagine and minor details such as "should someone sit or stand when holding ur kid" are really non issues as you have so many other things to think about ... are they feeding enough, are they feeding too much, are they wet, are they soiled, why the freaking hell won't they stop crying!!

My suggestion is that when the time comes, just go with ur gut and if she seems to be having a frail day, suggest she sits so she doesn't tire herself.

No they can’t. OP has given an example of where she couldn’t hold a baby safely and seemed oblivious to it.

My step FIL nearly did. Luckily I was close enough to catch my baby 🙄

I just tell MIL to sit down and ill pass him to her. "Can I have a hold" "yep, you sit down there and I'll bring him to you, he's heavy and fragile, you need to sit down with him. " " I'm fine standing up" "nope sit down please." I had the same rule with everyone when he was little though. So there was no personal offence. You want to hold my baby? Wash your hands and sit down.

It's your baby. When you have a choice between denting your MILs ego and putting your baby in a dangerous situation you don't need to think about it too much.

If my husband with arthrogryposis in the arms can hold our very wriggly 9 month old, then anyone can hold a newborn safely.

This is bollocks. MIL almost fell with DD. Turned out her cancer had hit her brain.

Of course some people can't hold newborns.

To be honest its probably a moot point, is she really likely to want to stand around holding the baby. Anyone with any sense who is a bit frail/weak/tired sits down as soon as they arrive at someones house. I dont stand around for example.

I wouldnt have thought shes going to want to stand up holding baby and start jigging her around. She'll be sat down waiting to be delivered a cuddle I would imagine.

Is a baby born with an in built special safety bubble which means it "can't" be dropped?!

Of course you can drop a baby! My own MIL almost did (no prior issues or health concerns, just felt a bit dizzy), fortunately she didn't fully faint and sort of lunged at the sofa, all fine. But you'd be mad to risk it with a relative who has known grip and balance issues.

If she can't even pick up a kettle of course she can't be trusted to hold a baby while standing up.

I don't think she needs telling she will already know she won't manage to lift the baby if she can't lift the kettle

There are people who definitely are not safe holding babies, for lots of different reasons.

I am so glad my DM was realistic with her limitations. She has severe rheumatoid arthritis and when my DC were little she would only hold them sitting down, and would very quickly call out if she felt them slip even the smallest amount. And at that point she was still able to lift the kettle, although not a very full one.

I have the same issue with my mil, she is in her mid 70s but also quite frail , luckily i think she will always sit with the baby as she gets anxious. When we had our first child my oh let her push the pram about the local town, it was so awkward as she could hardly see over the top of pram as so short and was bumping into people and things, I had to take over in the end. You need a conversation with OH about this and tell her you would prefer her to be sat down whilst holding baby, maybe make the same rule for everyone, including your parents.

You got to protect your little baby,if you feel she not fit then that's your call znd I'm with you on that one

There’s no way you can enforce it 100% if the time if your DH isn’t going to, and the more you mention it the more she’s likely to try and prove you wrong by standing.

So I would just try and engineer the situation so she is sitting down when you offer her the baby, and stand next to her if you can.

Although personally I think you are being a bit PFB

YANBU.

I wouldn't tell her you only want her to hold the baby sitting down but orchestrate it that way.

If she's as frail as you say (can't lift a kettle) she's unlikely to try.

Although personally I think you are being a bit PFB

Did you not read the OP's post where she said that her MIL can't even lift a kettle @RunningFromInsanity?

Of course she isn't being PFB.

YANBU if you don't think your MIL can safely hold the baby whilst stood up, and it sounds like she can't if she was unable to hold another baby whilst stood without them slipping down.

Clearly a baby's safety is more important than her right to stand up (which is a strange sentence to write but ultimately what the issue boils down to).

Worth knowing though OP that a lot of babies don't like being held whilst sat (mine included... He wriggles and fusses until you stand up). There is science behind it too! www.babycenter.com/baby/hear-from-moms/baby-cries-every-time-you-sit-down-science-says-theres-a-rea_20001068

Most of the older people I know always insisted they were sat down before they held our babies. That being said, I've also seen quite frail relatives and family friends hold our babies and toddlers and be absolutely fine walking round with them even. They know they absolutely cannot drop the baby! So they're extra cautious etc.

I wouldn't overthink it and make it into a big thing - your MIL will know what she's capable of (whether she admits it or not).

I can’t think of a situation where I’ve ever held anyone else’s baby standing. I’m in my 40s and perfectly healthy, I think most people would sit down to have a proper cuddle. My kids were all heavy babies so maybe that’s why I used to give them to people seated too, it was never an issue and in this case sounds very sensible, I honestly think it will be accepted without any problem, she probably wouldn’t even attempt to hold the baby without sitting anyway, try not to dwell on it.