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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I asking too much of dp? Lost all perspective

37 replies

Towcat15 · 03/08/2022 19:20

Dp and I are no longer a couple and instead have been co parenting our two children for the last few months.

he works away during the week so it works in that we aren’t in each others pockets. We’ve just had a family holiday which was lovey for the children and things are very amicable.

However lately I feel like he’s starting to take the piss with how much childcare I’m doing by not coming home certain weekends because he’s got lots of work on, then going back on days that he’s promised to cover over the school holidays because he needs to look at x number of jobs.

so far I’ve accommodated this as he’s trying to build up his business and it does seem to be going well and to be honest I only really want him here for the sake of the children - if I never saw him again I would be very happy - so I’m aware that could be skewing my judgment.

he has just asked me to cover another weekend and I’m really starting to feel taken for granted. I love spending time with our children but I’m exhausted and he’s missing out on so much of their childhood but I guess that’s up to him.

im tempted to say this co parenting arrangement is no longer working and if he’s going to be this absent then we are better off having a formal agreement where he has set weekends to see them but I really didn’t want to go down this route, we’ve done well so far and own a house together so it might get messy, but I’m starting to think I’m sacrificing a bit too much just to keep things ‘normal’.

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 03/08/2022 20:26

Nope. He's having his cake and eating it. Tell him to move out and then formalise access.

He is mugging you off. Big time!

Whatever00 · 03/08/2022 20:37

I agree with PP.

Whatever00 · 03/08/2022 20:40

Besides this arrangement is totally unsustainable. You can't and won't be loving like this in a years time. You may as well sort things out properly and formally so everyone is clear of the boundaries and their responsibilities.

neverbeenskiing · 03/08/2022 20:41

YANBU. Surely at some point arrangements will have to be formalised anyway? If I've understood correctly you're separated but living in the same home. That's not going to be sustainable long term. Have you even told the kids you're seperating yet? How will they make sense of it all if you're all still living together but sometimes Daddy doesn't come home. There's a fine line between "keeping things normal" and burying your head in the sand.

Tothemoonandbackx · 03/08/2022 20:42

Get rid, honestly, it does make it easier, he'll just keep going like this until either one of you meets someone else.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 03/08/2022 20:42

Suggests he asks his family to help out with his childcare..

ISeeTrees · 03/08/2022 20:49

I agree that a more formal agreement could be helpful in terms of boundaries, and the living situation isn't ideal. Just bear in mind that even on "his weekends" he may very well prioritise work and ultimately you can't force him to have the children.. sad but true for many, myself included.

Original poster
Towcat15 · 03/08/2022 20:50

The children just accept that daddy’s working and he’s only home for a day or two a week. They’re still small so not asking big questions yet but I know it can’t go on for ever I was just hoping to buy more time.

He works 3 hours away and his family are useless. It’s me and my family picking up the slack.

OP posts:
Original poster
Towcat15 · 03/08/2022 20:53

When I say he works 3 hours away that’s where his family are too - he stays with them. They have no interest in the children.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/08/2022 20:55

What were you hoping to do with the time you’re buying? What’s in it for you? Will you need to move out & sell up if you stop this arrangement?

TheTeenageYears · 03/08/2022 20:58

You are in effect helping him build his business which he alone will benefit from later. He could also use it to do you out of maintenance so I wouldn't be too quick to make his life easy.

Quitelikeit · 03/08/2022 21:05

Why are you still living together?

I agree with a pp he could easily screw you with maintenance

i wouldn’t be too brutal at this point for the sake of harmony if nothing else

but now it’s time to gently say you can’t keep covering his weekends as you had to cancel things

ask him to be more mindful of your time and that the children like to see him

neverbeenskiing · 03/08/2022 21:11

It sounds like things are "very amicable" because you go along with whatever works for him. He's got it made, hasn't he? He's a single man who works away all week and doesn't have to answer to anyone, but he can return to the family home on weekends if he wants, but doesn't have to if he doesn't feel like it. No wonder he's not in a rush to formalise anything.

MadMadMadamMim · 03/08/2022 21:28

I cannot see what you are getting from this arrangement, except perhaps staying in the house and not having to think too much about a future of your own.

I think you need a clear division of assets and a clear arrangement about childcare. It's disturbing that your post is entitled Am I asking too much of DP? when actually you don't seem to be asking anything of him at all.

In your shoes I'd be pointing out that it wasn't working for me - he is dipping in and out of family life as and when he feels like it, whilst you act as the nanny he can call up to say he won't be home again. It's likely that this 'work' at weekends is actually him either socialising with mates or dating other women, to be honest.

Original poster
Towcat15 · 03/08/2022 21:33

im worried about losing the house, I’m the main breadwinner but am not in a position to buy him out just yet.

Plus he currently pays a reasonable amount each month towards bills but I worked out what his maintenance would be based on his current income and it’s a lot less. Not that I think he would screw us over financially but never say never.

I also don’t know how it would work in terms of how he would see the children on his weekends. The house he stays in during the week is not habitable for them for reasons I won’t go into here (and he would agree with me, he’s not even allowed them to visit), and so it would mean he could only see them here which is fine I guess, he could do a day trip.

I guess I was hoping to have figured out what the new life might look like before I made the leap and in the meantime no one was getting hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Towcat15 · 03/08/2022 21:38

But you’re right, he’s got it made - keeps telling me how this is his dream job and he can’t believe he’s finally doing what he loves whilst I hate my job, and have just had to turn down my dream job because it doesn’t earn enough money.

We are also both quite into fitness and he relishes in telling me all these wonderful long runs he goes on in the evenings whilst I spend every night getting the children to settle.

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 03/08/2022 21:39

You're not married so stop helping him.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 03/08/2022 21:47

Stop calling him DP, stop helping him grow his business, and stop letting him mug you off.
You and your children deserve better.

GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 22:03

Sadly even if you formalise everything there is nothing you can do to make him stick to access arrangements, or stop him shafting you on child maintenance by arranging his finances in his favour. I'd get used to the idea that he's going to continue to take the piss and set yourself up as best you can with that in mind. You're not helping yourself by staying in limbo though, bite the bullet.

Psychonabike · 03/08/2022 22:09

Honestly, so many people do things like this transitionally, and amicably, in the early stages of separation.

But it is transitional, so things will start to have to become more formal. You're discovering exactly why.

Vikinga · 03/08/2022 22:34

Split up for good and make a formal arrangement with maintenance etc

Original poster
Towcat15 · 04/08/2022 07:35

I just can’t see how fully splitting will make things better - I’ll lose the house, arranging access will be a pain as he has no base where we live (assuming we sell) and the children will be unsettled and upset. Am I missing something? I must be because my own family don’t understand my stance of keeping the peace but things are relatively good, why would I choose to make it worse?

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 07:36

Because you're not in a relationship and the entire situation is incredibly dysfunctional.

lightand · 04/08/2022 07:39

I have not been in your position.

I sort of understand where you are coming from.

It is like a balance sheet. with the pros and cons. positives and negatives.
I think it is only you that can work out what is best for now for you and the kids.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 04/08/2022 07:46

Please don't tell me you are still cooking him food or doing his washing? I'm sorry but this is unsustainable. What happens when one of you meets someone else? By all means take a little time to do some research, find out what benefits you might get as a SP and get some legal advice re the property but he is massively taking the piss. If he is properly out of the picture you can start to make your own plans, organise life so you can go for runs, take a different job etc. Right now, everything is skewed to him.