Am I asking too much of dp? Lost all perspective

[Towcat15]

Dp and I are no longer a couple and instead have been co parenting our two children for the last few months.

he works away during the week so it works in that we aren’t in each others pockets. We’ve just had a family holiday which was lovey for the children and things are very amicable.

However lately I feel like he’s starting to take the piss with how much childcare I’m doing by not coming home certain weekends because he’s got lots of work on, then going back on days that he’s promised to cover over the school holidays because he needs to look at x number of jobs.

so far I’ve accommodated this as he’s trying to build up his business and it does seem to be going well and to be honest I only really want him here for the sake of the children - if I never saw him again I would be very happy - so I’m aware that could be skewing my judgment.

he has just asked me to cover another weekend and I’m really starting to feel taken for granted. I love spending time with our children but I’m exhausted and he’s missing out on so much of their childhood but I guess that’s up to him.

im tempted to say this co parenting arrangement is no longer working and if he’s going to be this absent then we are better off having a formal agreement where he has set weekends to see them but I really didn’t want to go down this route, we’ve done well so far and own a house together so it might get messy, but I’m starting to think I’m sacrificing a bit too much just to keep things ‘normal’.

I understand about not wanting to change the housing situation yet, how long do you think it would be until you can buy him out?

In terms of wanting to buy time before telling the children and changing things, I think that's a mistake. The younger they are when changes in set-up happen then the easier they tend to take it.

Him having all the free evenings and lots of weekends to work and also skip around outside in his running kit is taking the piss though! With that aspect he is mugging you off.

Where he lives is his problem, not yours. As for seeing the children, it sounds as if he hardly sees them now anyway.
In what way would you be worse off?

Do you plan to sell the house, or buy him out, or stay there while he contributes to the mortgage as part of the "split up arrangement".

You need a clean break, with finances agreed, in writing.

Stop making his life easy for him. Are you sure the times he can't come home are because he's working? Could he have a new relationship going on, or just nights out with his work mates?

Because you have been chief organiser in the marriage (like most of us) you are almost
Overstepping now in terms of your assistance and thought process.

How he facilitates the access he wants and solves that on where to have them-not your problem! Not yours to resolve!

It as an equal co parent he is supposed to do certain things for the kids or the home and then he doesnt come home. Ask him 'so what are you doing about x'? Dont just automatically pick up the pieces.

Id give it one last ditch attempt with very firm boundaries.

As an interim measure can you set up firm arrangements and you go and stay with family during those times so he solely responsible for the children but in the family home?

Ex partner. Ex partner. Keep repeating that.

You need to at least get a timeline together of how much longer you'll be in this situation and some sort of co-parenting arrangement. He's taking the piss and you're just accepting it. Don't.

It sounds like you are keeping things amicable so try and talk to him about it. Say you are already away all week. If you want a good relationship with your children then you need to put the time in somewhere.

It sounds like the situation has benefits for you. Would he be able to afford his share of bills and a place to stay with the dc.

It's still worth asking him what he thinks the future looks like because thud isn't going to work long term and once you buy him out then is he going to buy locally or near work and family. Potentially your dc are going to spend 6 hours of a weekend travelling to see dad. Itmiggt be that he is transitioning tk being someone they see on the holidays, or not at all.

Come at it from the children's perspective and how it benefits his relationship as a father and husband reputation as a goodan who does the right thing by the family he created. See if that gets him to step up.

Otherwise he isn't worth bothering with and I'd get rid.

Being the breadwinner and subsidising his lifestyle will lead to even more resentment as time goes on even if you don’t feel it at the moment.

A partnership should be just that. What’s in this for you?

I think your kind of arrangement can work when there's an end goal.
To just have it open ended will inevitably lead to resentment.

Is there any way you can afford the house alone? You would presumably need to buy him out. With promotion/earning potential is that ever likely?

Is there any kind of agreement in place that you allowing him to build his business reduces the share in the house he will take? Or that you have a stake in it?

If this is a two year plan to put you on a better financial footing then needs must.

If you can't stay in the house long term what are other options like? If it's a four bed and you can downsize to a two bed then just do it now if you are simply delaying the inevitable.

You need to go through your finances with a fine tooth comb to decide what life looks like for you and whether it is worth the current sacrifice to stick with arrangements.

You also need to consider that he could pull the plug and might do so at a time that really doesn't suit you.

So he’s already come back saying that he’s working his arse off trying to earn as much money as possible. We are remortgaging next year and it’s important he gets his figures up to put us in the best position financially plus with all the price increases anywhere he has to ‘sacrifice’ his time with the family.

not much I can say to that is there?!

think I have to just bide my time and try and reduce the number of family days together and leave him to it when he is here.

Why are you remortgaging in a year when you already are not a couple, but you said you just can’t afford to buy him out? What’s the money from the remortgage for?

He already has.

You've split.
You need to divorce and formalise arrangements.

When you buy some time... what's your end game here?