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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People Pleasing

38 replies

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 18:47

I’m doing a lot of work on myself at the moment. One thing I’ve realised is I tend to be a people pleaser. I’ve tried to stop this but then feel guilty. An example recently a mum friend asked me to help out with child care at the start of the hols but I refused but then spent the first week of hols feeling guilty and emotionally eating my feelings away, I got to a point where I wish I could have just said yes!

the thing is I don’t feel the mum friend is a close friend as we haven’t been to each other’s homes ever and known each other for over 5 years. I just want a fresh start and be a little more assertive and be at peace with decisions I make rather than guilt. In this situation in particular would you have helped out the mum?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 03/08/2022 18:48

No and well done for saying no. Keep it up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 18:51

Do you know why she asked you? I can't imagine asking someone whose house I hadn't been to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 18:52

And no, I wouldn't have and I certainly wouldn't feel guilty. I offer what I want to give and say no when I don't.

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 18:54

The kids are friends and as I don’t work she thought I had nothing better to go than look after her child Monday - Friday. They’re in primary school too so not as if I could leave them to it. Truthfully I just was at a bad point and house was a mess and just couldn’t bear having another child running around. I’m still debating whether it was nasty for me to say no, but as a people pleaser how do you know what is the difference between being a door mat and being a difficult unhelpful person?

OP posts:

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 18:57

*do not go. The child was to come to my home.

OP posts:

user850301848172 · 03/08/2022 19:05

@cookiesNcrea

You were right to say no. Asking as a one off for an hour or so is fine but Monday - Friday each week is a massive pisstake.

What if yours was off/going to an after school activity or to another child's house or you want to take yours out somewhere. You wouldn't be able to without having another child to look after/tag along.

There's a reason she's asked you and not the other parents. Probably because she's known for her massive piss takes in the past.

almondflake · 03/08/2022 19:06

I'm a pleaser too and I know how you feel saying no , its great that you said no now move on and enjoy your child's holidays.
Just think to yourself if you'd said yes , you would be at the mercy of another individual who would probably not be able to or want to reciprocate, you would end up with long days and I'm sure the child wouldn't be collected when the parent said and maybe push childcare to every day , then there's the trips and extra treats could you actually afford a second child for a few days cos being a pleaser you wouldn't ask for money .
Don't think about it anymore , you said no , its not your problem anymore

MightbeMaybe · 03/08/2022 19:07

Well done for saying no.

It just takes practice but you can do it, it gets easier and you'll stop feeling guilty soon enough.

sleepyheadsss · 03/08/2022 19:12

Just because you felt guilty afterwards, it doesn't mean you should have said yes.
It's normal to have feelings of guilt or other uncomfortable feelings when you're doing something different like that. When you're trying to stop pleasing others, and listening to your own needs more, you will feel bad to begin with. It's normal. But carry on. Your needs are important too.

BlackbirdsSinging · 03/08/2022 19:12

It’s nice to think of other people. There are so many threads on here about how people are inconsiderate now. Wanting to be kind, help and please people is a good thing - it makes the world a better place.

LarryTrotter · 03/08/2022 19:13

Yanbu.

Well done!

I'm very slowly starting to say no/ stand up for myself etc after being in therapy for 4 months.

Do you know why you can't say No?
For me, it's to do with childhood trauma surrounding my mum who was overly strict/ emotionally abusive.

I've found it so helpful talking to someone and working out why I feel the way I do (although I feel like I've only just scratched the surface!)

If you don't know why and/or want to explore it, I'd recommend therapy.

Well done again! x

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 19:29

@BlackbirdsSinging i don’t agree that people pleasing makes the world a better place. It certainly hasn’t made my life better the opposite in fact. It’s made me miserable, my kids miserable and my DH miserable.

mummy parents were people pleaser and I’ve written about them at length via another username. Might out myself but my dad could never say no to his younger brother so he put deposits down for their homes etc. which did make the brother’s life 100% better but meant his own family suffered where we couldn’t afford anything nice and mum and dad fought all the time as he couldn’t say no and didn’t want to look like he didn’t help his sibling.

OP posts:

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 19:29

my parents not mummy

apologies for numerous typos.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2022 19:29

You were right to say no. Asking as a one off for an hour or so is fine but Monday - Friday each week is a massive pisstake.

This. It's nice to help out a bit. But someone taking the piss that badly, you owe her nothing. And most people balance favours. What would she have done for you? Nothing I assume.

catandcoffee · 03/08/2022 19:53

It will get easier the more you say no.
Habits take a while to break...good on you for making the change.

FOJN · 03/08/2022 20:10

Be honest with yourself and ask did you really feel guilty about not helping someone or are you worried other people will think badly of you for not being the solution to all their problems?

Someone asked me this once and when I was ready to be really truthful with myself I had a bit of an epiphany. The person who asked me introduced me to the idea that people pleasing is nearly always selfish, it's unconsciously transactional. A genuine desire to be helpful isn't and if you aim to be helpful when you are able to you don't feel bad when you can't.

It's hard to truly value and respect other people if we do not feel that way about ourselves. It's necessary, desirable in fact, for us to acknowledge that sometimes we lack the time, energy or resources to help others and we need to prioritise ourselves.

I'm not a people pleaser anymore, I give what I can and do not expect to be congratulated for being a decent human being but equally of I say no to helping its because either I can't or don't want to , both are valid, and a coerced yes would lead to me feeling resentful which I don't enjoy.

MardyBumm · 03/08/2022 20:10

Well done for saying no. I am a recovering people pleaser so I understand how you feel. When I'm caught off guard, my stock phrase is, "I'm not sure, let me get back to you on that later today." It gives me time to think about if I'm going to be taken advantage of/massively inconvenienced or if it's a reasonable request from a friend that won't cause me any bother. Previously, I'd panic and say yes to everything!

Original poster

cookiesNcrea · 03/08/2022 20:43

Be honest with yourself and ask did you really feel guilty about not helping someone or are you worried other people will think badly of you for not being the solution to all their problems?

i think it’s a mixture for me, yes I feel they will think badly if me but in this instance I also felt bad as I was worried what she would do work wise and what they would say. I think sometimes it is that people will think badly of me. Interesting point! I have to think more about this in regards to previous times.

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 05/08/2022 08:08

The thing with this is it's learned behaviour and anything that is learned can be unlearned. I was trained by two dismissive and neglectful parents in childhood that the only positive regard I received was when I did things for them. Things that weren't really my responsibility like housework, cooking the family meals and taking care of my younger sister. I was using a chip pan unsupervised when I was 12! This turned into a lifelong 'responsibility' to facilitate others including random people that exploited me.

The feelings that come up are connected to the original trauma that caused you to abandon yourself in the service of others. Guilt is not a very useful emotion and is often connected to the drive that wants you to put others first when you really don't want to but feel you have to. Some practice just sitting with the feeling, allowing yourself to be uncomfortable but not acting on it would help. All emotions pass. They are not facts, just the body reacting to previous experiences. Meditation is a very useful practice to be curious about emotions without attaching meaning to them.

Reading your post it is clear that you don't owe this woman free childcare. Her opinion that you're available so why wouldn't you want to help is entitled and unreasonable but you are seeing it as 'I am an awful person' hence the guilt.

There are assertiveness courses online and in person that you can attend but some work on your self esteem would be helpful if you could access some therapy. People pleasing has blighted my life but now I can honestly say I don't do anything without checking in with myself first ie do I want to do this? What does this person mean to me? Are they taking advantage? Its really not selfish to put your needs first but unfortunately, women in particular, are socialised to be over caring and overgiving which leads to burnout. You've realised this early so well done you 👏

Doingmybest12 · 05/08/2022 08:18

If the child is under 8 you'd need to be a registered minder as hopefully she was expecting to pay you? Regardless you don't ask people to do Monday to Friday child care , she was trying it on and being disrespectful. I would give her a wide berth. I can assume there is a reason she didn't ask anyone she knows better, she has hacked them all off.

Mary46 · 05/08/2022 08:24

Well done op. I used to be terrible. Im alot better now. Found when I needed help nobody would return the favour. It takes practice saying no. !!

Dacquoise · 05/08/2022 08:26

@FOJN , I agree with some of what you are saying but I found that a big part of my drive to please was the awful feelings that arose if I tried to say No to someone. It came from trauma not ego.

I would literally freeze in panic at the thought of standing up for myself. I couldn't speak. It got to the point I was hoping that by being 'nice' to them, magically thinking the other person would realise how unreasonable or selfish they were being, they would stop asking but of course they never did. I was terrified that they would flip out at me, attack me or abandon me, not that I was the solution for all their problems. Completely nuts when I think about it now.

CowPalace · 05/08/2022 08:32

BlackbirdsSinging · 03/08/2022 19:12

Helping someone freely because you want to is a good thing. Endlessly breaking your back for people out of a sense of obligation and because you’re afraid to say no in case they dislike you is not a good thing. It’s a sign you have poor self-esteem, no boundaries and are prepared to allow yourself to be exploited by people you neither like nor respect. It’s not a cute, victimless personality flaw, it’s a way of ending up used, friendless and resentful.

Harry12345 · 05/08/2022 11:52

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or you don’t think you could manage doing shouldn’t make you feel guilty for saying no. I hate when people put me in this position as I feel so uncomfortable but I wouldn’t ever do it to them. People who take the piss like that can sense and are drawn to nice people pleasers and push boundaries. She should feel bad for asking something totally unreasonable!

MrsRonaldWeasley · 05/08/2022 12:11

I am a recovering people-pleaser so I do sympathize but…. No I absolutely would not have helped the mum. What a CF! It’s one thing asking you to look after a child for a couple of hours while they go to an appointment or whatever but full time, for a whole week. Not a chance! Do not feel bad @BlackbirdsSinging She was being unreasonable in her request and you were absolutely right to say no.

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