People Pleasing

[cookiesNcrea]

I’m doing a lot of work on myself at the moment. One thing I’ve realised is I tend to be a people pleaser. I’ve tried to stop this but then feel guilty. An example recently a mum friend asked me to help out with child care at the start of the hols but I refused but then spent the first week of hols feeling guilty and emotionally eating my feelings away, I got to a point where I wish I could have just said yes!

the thing is I don’t feel the mum friend is a close friend as we haven’t been to each other’s homes ever and known each other for over 5 years. I just want a fresh start and be a little more assertive and be at peace with decisions I make rather than guilt. In this situation in particular would you have helped out the mum?

I think one thing to do is be decisive and say no straightaway if the request is not something you can do. It might make it a little bit easier, and no-one can then criticise you for short notice.

I would have been the same but have thankfully gotten to an age where I am so much more comfortable in my own skin and would find it easy now to say no . People are saying here that the mum who asked was a CF but she might not necessarily be. She asked and the OP said no as as far as the other mum friend is concerned it's no big deal and she will look elsewhere for childcare

It’s not as if the school holidays have sneaked up on anyone unannounced. Don’t worry about what anyone is going to do work wise during the holidays- they’ve had more than enough time to organise for their children. Asking you last minute suggests they either were confident you’d say yes or ( outside chance) that it was a week they had to work unexpectedly. In the latter case I would help out, for the former no way. We made financial and lifestyle choices in order for me to stay home while my children were small. Others made different choices but I didn’t allow that to allow them to take advantage. We did without holidays abroad, meals out and expensive ‘stuff’ so we could spend holidays fully engaged in fun activities together - not so I could be put upon by friends to childmind their kids in between them taking their holidays all over the world!

Sorry, not @BlackbirdsSinging meant @cookiesNcrea

Well done for taking the first step and saying no.

The next step will be not needing to check with other people that you were right to do so. FWIW, I wouldn't have agreed to look after someone's child like that even if I'd known them really well. But you don't need to know what I think, because I'm just some random off the internet and you don't need my validation! The important thing is that you know that you didn't want to look after the child - that's all that's needed to confirm you were right to say no.

Well done for being assertive and hopefully you'll get more and more confident as time goes on 😊You're doing great.

Thank you everyone. The advice and opinions are amazing. Im looking at things from a new point of view with every post I read. It’s very interesting that someone wrote about childhood trauma and feeling like the other person will flip out, I know exactly what you mean as I feel this sometimes too.

Once you learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable it gets Easier to say no. It's a technique taught in negotiation training, also making yourself maintain silence even if it's uncomfortable. Eg if you say no but they keep asking or look expectantly at you

Great thread. I used to give my life story why I couldnt do x. No more! Op its hard if you put on the spot. But sometimes people respect you more if you assertive. Im get better at it

And that is the crux of the matter that lead to self-defeating behaviours like people pleasing. It's your limbic system which enacts the fight or flight response in your body whenever you are in a situation that reminds you of a past trauma. For example a parent shouts at you or even hits you because you refused to do something as a child, that translates to fear of being shouted at or hit by someone when someone asks you to do something as an adult, particularly when you don't really want to do it. It's a memory. When you realise that it actually makes it easier to understand that feelings aren't facts, they're responses to memories and not always helpful.

So in your case saying no to entitled woman has brought up fear and guilt but actually they're redundant emotions because she's being a CF and she probably knows it. She didn't murder you for refusing. You survived. Yippee!

Work that no muscle and rewire your brain to not react so much next time. It does work, trust me. 💐

Hi all, I'm also really struggling with people pleasing this is a major issue for me and have done some awful things due to this. It only seems to be when I'm in a relationship with someone. I can say no to others outside relationships.

I'm really disgusted with myself. So me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years now. Around 2.5 years in bf suggested we tried an open relationship/swinging. I hated the idea and knew I would hate the act itself but as It was what he wanted I agreed. So we found a website for this and eventually met with couple. I hated every moment of it and told him it wasn't for me so said he could meet people on his own. Which he did but in this time I discovered he had met with sex workers. He admitted this and told me everything. We broke up and got back together as I decided to give him another chance. About a year later I was struggling financially and bf decided to suggest that I became a sex worker. I was like no and asked him why he would want that for me he said that it was purely for the money. I obviously was really angry that he suggested this and went mad and he dropped it. Probably was around a month later again I was struggling financially and he kept going on about it so I was like ok ill do it. (I honestly can't control this need to please) so I done escorting for 2 days hated every single moment and stopped immediately after.

I can not describe how disgusted i am with myself. I am at an all time low and really can't bare feeling like this. I can not believe I did this to myself.

The other mum was being a complete CF. You were right to say no.

It felt difficult because sticking up for yourself still feels unfamiliar. Stick with it!

She was a cheeky CF and I disagree with the poster who said she wasn’t necessarily- it is too much of an ask to do it for that amount of time. Something a counsellor said to me once struck a chord. I was saying I was guilty and she asked me if it is was my guilt to feel. I found that helpful and use that a fair amount still.

@Messedup91 im so sorry you went through this. This was not right of him. I really hope you are still not with him. Please don’t be disgusted with yourself and work on your self esteem x