Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty for trying to conceive at the same time as my Sister in Law?

69 replies

Createcomets · 03/08/2022 16:56

So me and my husband have been talking about trying for baby number 2 recently, and decided to start trying in the next few months.

Today I found out that my Sister in Law is also trying for her second. My first is nearly 2, hers is 4.

I've been feeling really guilty all day that me and her are probably going to be pregnant at the same time. I don't want to take away her joy when they do fall pregnant, and I just feel really bad that she won't be the only pregnant person. When she was pregnant with her firat pregnancy she had her baby shower and loads of celebratory things etc and I think just really enjoyed the attention. I'm happy to not have any of that (first baby was born in lockdown so didn't do many celebrations as a family, but never wanted baby showers/gender reveals etc anyway because that's not who I am)

I just feel like I shouldn't try for a second if I know she's trying. Also, my family live 200 miles away and my in laws are 20 mins away. So I'm worried that having another child would put added pressure on my in laws if my SIL is also trying again, because i know theyd want to help us...But also, we feel nearly ready to try again!

I don't really know how I feel.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
hattie43 · 03/08/2022 17:30

blacksax · 03/08/2022 17:24

pregnant person

😂🙄

Lol had to be one didn't there

luxxlisbon · 03/08/2022 17:31

So because she enjoyed celebrating her pregnancy and had a baby shower you are assuming she is unhinged and would be crazy jealous if you were also pregnant?

All sounds very unlikely.

FatBettyintheCoop · 03/08/2022 17:37

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Pregnant person??? ☹️
Do you know a single pregnant man out there?

If you're going to procreate at least learn the difference between sex and gender. Only human female women can get pregnant.

So the correct term is pregnant woman.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/08/2022 17:38

Having cousins of the same age is great, makes things like family trips out, picnics, park etc much more fun when they have someone to play with. Go for it!

HairyScaryMonster · 03/08/2022 17:40

It was actually really lovely when I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL, we were on mat leave at the same time and did lots together. All our children are closer as a result.

BeanieTeen · 03/08/2022 17:49

This is really weird. You don’t collect brownie points for the after life for this kind of pointless martyrdom you know. Good karma doesn’t care for this kind of non-issue either.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 03/08/2022 17:50

I feel like you are saying she is an attention seeker in a backhanded way (and you aren’t)

also neither of you can predict with any certainty when/ if you will get pregnant against

really it seems like you are the competitive one tbh

overitall1 · 03/08/2022 17:54

Why do people seem to overshare? When we were trying for DS 2 we didn't broadcast it - we told no one! How would you know your SIL is TTC??? Bizarre.

RampantIvy · 03/08/2022 17:57

Exactly @overitall1

BeanieTeen · 03/08/2022 17:59

Pregnant person??? ☹️
Do you know a single pregnant man out there?

If you're going to procreate at least learn the difference between sex and gender. Only human female women can get pregnant.

So the correct term is pregnant woman.

A woman is a person.
OP was obviously referring to herself and her SIL in that context.
It’s only you imagining pregnant men and throwing them into the mix here…

mistermagpie · 03/08/2022 17:59

Such a weird thing to worry about? I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL and it was fine, I expect it happens quite a lot.

GG1986 · 03/08/2022 18:02

You can't hold off having another because you are worried about what your sister in law may think. Just go for it! If it's both your 2nd babies then i really don't see the issue.

PeanuttyButter · 03/08/2022 18:07

My cousin got pregnant two weeks after me.. I miscarried she didn't. Then my close friend got pregnant and was due the same day as me for my second pregnancy.. I miscarried she didn't.

After being on the 'wrong' side of these things you are still really happy for the other person. I wouldn't worry and would just TTC as you planned.

Mommabear20 · 03/08/2022 18:21

Currently pregnant with my third and I've never been the only one in the family that was pregnant, never ever bothered me or the other women! Your SIL could take months or even years to fall pregnant again, if she does at all. Are you prepared to wait an unknown amount of time for her to get pregnant, carry to term, delivery and have a 'newborn' phase, before you start trying, which again, could take a while.

SarahAndQuack · 03/08/2022 18:22

I think you're overthinking. Of course I can see how it's potentially upsetting for one or other of you if things don't go to plan, but that's life.

My SIL was pregnant at the same time as my DP (her third, our first), and the only tiny thing that irritated me was when we announced it she didn't miss a beat before saying 'oh yes, us too'. But it took me all of about ten seconds to realise it's a lot less exciting when you're on number three! And DD has a cousin who's just six weeks younger, which is really nice.

Remember - your SIL and her husband won't have the faintest idea when you started TTC, so even if you end up falling pregnant after them, there's no reason for them to assume they had anything to do with your decisions.

DappledThings · 03/08/2022 18:22

This is daft to be worrying about. SIL and I were originally pregnant at the same time, babies were due about 6 weeks apart. I then had a miscarriage then was pregnant again fairly quickly so actual age gap is 5 months. Then we were much luckier conceiving our second so our DC2 is 14 months older than their DC2.

None of it matters. Babies come when they come.

110APiccadilly · 03/08/2022 18:25

I'd be surprised if she minded. I got pregnant when my SIL was already pregnant, and she was just really excited that the cousins would be a very similar age.

So unless one or both of you always has to be the centre of attention, you'll be fine.

Darkstar4855 · 03/08/2022 18:27

In the nicest possible way, you are being ridiculous. I might just about understand if she had fertility problems and was having her first but for second babies the pregnancy is really not a big deal. It’s lovely that you’re so caring but just ttc when you want. There’s no guarantee that either of you will get pregnant, let alone both at the same time.

galacticpixels · 03/08/2022 18:29

It's so common for cousins to be the same age, this happens all the time. I don't understand why you think she has more of a right to have a baby right now than you do.

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/08/2022 18:32

You must have very little else to occupy yourself if you're thinking so much about this.

AMIAMIBU · 03/08/2022 18:34

Since when did people announce we are trying to conceive?

Just get on with it!

Rosieposy89 · 03/08/2022 18:44

There's no guarantee you'll conceive as quick as you think so you might not be pregnant at the same time

BeanieTeen · 03/08/2022 18:58

There's no guarantee you'll conceive as quick as you think so you might not be pregnant at the same time

Indeed. I conceived my first 2 very quickly and the third took over a year. No idea why. If you wait a couple of extra months and then struggle you’ve just wasted precious time and will probably be quite upset and frustrated - especially if you’re SIL is cradling her new baby while you’re still waiting for the BFP.

rnsaslkih · 03/08/2022 19:00

OP forget this and get on.

Black1985 · 03/08/2022 19:02

I mean this kindly, I think you may be projecting onto your SIL. She had the normal ‘joyful’ pregnancy, you had a pandemic baby. I’m sure you’re hoping for a different experience this time round.

I’ve had 3 babies since 2019 and understand how our experience of becoming mothers has been irrevocably changed by the pandemic. My DSis had her first baby this year. Her DH could go to scans, the birth and the socialise every weekend. My DN has more friends than I do! I am genuinely happy for them that they have had a different experience but it can be hard seeing how ‘normal’ their experience is.

There is a universal trauma we will all have experienced, going through the pandemic, but it is important to acknowledge the impact it has had on you as a parent.