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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly offended by donation

85 replies

roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 15:14

So I’ve got a school mum that I known for a few months and we kinda get along well, sometimes she looks after my DS (paid arrangement) and she is a good person. So the problem is not her really. I think it’s me!

she told me someone she knew was relocating and therefore donating some school uniforms all in good condition and asked if I wanted some. I said “well… yes, no problem”. Then a few days ago she arrived here with 3 huge bags full of clothes from the woman, and honestly, I would be embarrassed to give those to anyone! Stained clothes, shorts with holes, everything very worn out and old.

AIBU to feel slightly offended? Both my husband and I work and we have a fairly decent life. Not rich but definitely not poor. We can definitely afford new clothes. Ok I perhaps should have said “no, I’m actually decluttering our wardrobes and donating a lot of bags” (which is true) but I just said “okay” because I’m such a stupid acquiescent person! Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
RIPWalter · 03/08/2022 18:00

I have a friend who hands down loads to my DD, it is very mixed quality and condition, so I sort through it, bin some, keep some and pass on surplas to a friend who is really struggling financially. I just can't convince DD (4) to bin the rainbow pjamas with no knees left that came in the last bundle.

I'm never offended by anything that she sends, and always accept with gratitude.

dworky · 03/08/2022 18:01

It's the same person

Original poster
roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 18:02

Honestly I’ve got no time to sort them out, find other people to give them away etc. I work full time and I also have my own family to look after.

every now and then I declutter my wardrobe and give my clothes (all in good condition) to a local charity shop.

reading your opinions made me not find it offensive anymore but cheeky to pass on your rubbish to other people to sort out. Fortunately I have a car but what if I didn’t? Should I grab those huge bags and take them myself along with my small children somewhere? I’m starting to see this all from a different perspective.

I’ll just dispose them all in our local tip

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 03/08/2022 18:23

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2022 16:24

This happened to me from a close family member, who was financially comfortable. I was shocked at the state of the baby clothes. They all had stains/rips/bobbled, I was super offended. I phoned a local charity shop, and explained the state of these clothes. They said they didn't want them, as they wouldnt sell. I literally threw them all in the bin.

If you were "super offended" to receive them, why would you assume the charity shop would be able to sell them?!
I can't believe you actually rang and asked did they want your scruffy rags 🤣

Johnnysgirl · 03/08/2022 18:26

Fortunately I have a car but what if I didn’t?
Eh? You were asked did you want them and you said yes.

Musing about what a dilemma you'd find yourself in if you didn't have a car is a bit strange.

Presumably the donor didn't waste any time thinking about it either.

Algbu6 · 03/08/2022 18:26

phishy · 03/08/2022 15:25

I'd ask for her address and take them all back and leave at her front door.

Well that would be awkward at the school gate and it you would leave you in the lurch childcare wise.

I don't think it was out of malice...

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 03/08/2022 18:28

Hohofortherobbers · 03/08/2022 17:40

People often don't realise how tatty their clothes have become, I get hand me down school uniform with chewed sleeves and holes, because their children wore it they think its still OK, you've looked at it with fresh eyes, no need to be offended, just scrap it.

This!
When donating old uniform I have a quick look and throw away anything I wouldn’t put on my kids but I don’t inspect every little detail, especially if it is a large amount. As long as it is clean I don’t see an issue, worse case scenario the receiver can bin it. Not sure why people a talking about a trip to the tip, throwing away a few kids clothes in your household bin is hardly an effort.

Needmorelego · 03/08/2022 18:31

@roadtohapiness do you know the person who originally passed them on? If so return them saying it was a misunderstanding and you thought you were just getting a couple of school skirts/cardigans or whatever not a whole load of clothes you don't need. Say "thanks for the offer but I don't need these" and give them back.
Or check at your local tip to see if they have a rag recycling thing there if that's where you plan to take them.

SpindleSheWrote · 03/08/2022 18:45

worse case scenario the receiver can bin it. Not sure why people a talking about a trip to the tip, throwing away a few kids clothes in your household bin is hardly an effort

Some of us aren't permitted to 'bin' textiles in our household bin. They must be recycled, at either a recycling centre or in a 'ragging' bank.

TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 18:49

It bothers me more that you said you'd take them in the first place, instead of suggesting she hands them to the school to give to families who actually need them.

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 18:50

A trip to the tip is not always effortless, at ours you have to book, the slots are often booked up, at an inconvenient time, you have to register your car, if you're late you miss your slot, but equally cant come in early, difficult in saturday and sunday traffic as we cant got week days

At my parents council you need a permit which you have to apply for in advance

Plus of course you need a car, no car, no trip to the tip. Unless you book a cab who might not want tip rubbish in the cab and of course that is expensive

PraiseBee · 03/08/2022 18:50

Oh god this happened to me when expecting my first DC. A colleague of my sister offered me some baby clothes. I said yes, even bought some flowers as thanks. My sister dropped them round. Unusable; holes, ripped, stained. Absolute joke.

Original poster
roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 18:52

You’re right and a lesson learnt for me. I’m one of those people who find it difficult to say “no” 😓

OP posts:
Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 03/08/2022 18:58

One summer, ds was leaving primary school, and a couple of friends asked me if my younger dc could use uniforms. I said yes to everyone. Well, you never know when you need a spare jumper.

Come the end of August I looked at uniforms. At this point I found I now had 27 logoed jumpers, and even more polo shirts. I went through them, chucked out jumpers where cuffs had been eaten, kept 5 and donated the remainder to the school second hand shop.

I did not assume people saw me as a charity case, but rather somebody who cheerfully admitted using charity shops.

Original poster
roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 19:07

I said “yes” because she asked me. Not my place to suggest what she should do with those uniforms. Honestly I wasn’t thinking otherwise I would have said plain and simple “no, I don’t need them thank”

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 03/08/2022 19:09

roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 19:07

I said “yes” because she asked me. Not my place to suggest what she should do with those uniforms. Honestly I wasn’t thinking otherwise I would have said plain and simple “no, I don’t need them thank”

Why does it have to be 'your place'?

A quick "Oh no thanks, but I bet the school would love them".

Original poster
roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 19:14

I didn’t think that far. I thought it would be just a couple of trousers + shirts. Not three full bags of old school uniforms + Pe kits + summer hats + old clothes that don’t even fit my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 19:29

no, I don’t know the cheeky person.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 04/08/2022 13:05

Honestly I’ve got no time to sort them out, find other people to give them away etc. I work full time and I also have my own family to look after.

That's probably what the cheeky donater thought! But how long can it really take to sort 3 into piles.
1 Dirty and for the bin.
2 Tatty but clean for the textile bank (often found in supermarket car parks)
3 Still OK to wear. Keep what fits and donate any uniform that doesn't fit to the school.

gamerchick · 04/08/2022 13:09

roadtohapiness · 03/08/2022 15:57

I think I’ll just dump them in our local Salvation Army recycling bin and I agree, perhaps my friend was just used by the other woman to save her a trip to the tip!

Can guarantee it.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/08/2022 13:12

I wouldn't infer it as a comment on your finances. Sometimes a bag of tatty clothes is just a bag of tatty clothes.

BeanieTeen · 04/08/2022 13:17

My BIL and SIL try and do this to us all the time. When there are family meet ups they just rock up with bags of shit. I think they just cba to take things to the charity shop or the skip. We’ve started saying no thank you.

GooglyEyeballs · 04/08/2022 13:21

Maybe she hadn't looked through the bags and didn't realise they were all rags? It's a bit annoying for you but it doesn't sound like it was intended in a bad way by the mum friend.

Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 13:46

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 03/08/2022 18:58

One summer, ds was leaving primary school, and a couple of friends asked me if my younger dc could use uniforms. I said yes to everyone. Well, you never know when you need a spare jumper.

Come the end of August I looked at uniforms. At this point I found I now had 27 logoed jumpers, and even more polo shirts. I went through them, chucked out jumpers where cuffs had been eaten, kept 5 and donated the remainder to the school second hand shop.

I did not assume people saw me as a charity case, but rather somebody who cheerfully admitted using charity shops.

Why would you accept 27 school jumpers? That's really quite ridiculous of you Hmm

Pr1mr0se · 30/05/2023 15:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be offended.

However maybe as others have said already, she didn't look through the clothes herself.

I would certainly not donate clothes in that state but then I have seen the same sort of quality donated to school uniform shops and still sold on, so everyone has a different understanding of quality and secondhand.

Sort through or wholesale just pass on.

If they have holes in it should be straight to the rags recycling unit rather than a charity shop.