If one parent is an alcoholic with children. Should the other parent leave them?

[QuestionAlcohol]

Loving family except for one (highly functioning) alcoholic parent. Becoming sober is unlikely.

Should the other parent

1. Bring children up with both parents at home.

2. Separate from partner so children are not brought up in a household with alcoholism.

Separate.
They're functioning, for now.
What happens when that changes, or when they can't get hold of alcohol, or when the children are at an age where they start sneaking it?

Separate and be very careful about custody and access arrangements.

I’m speaking as the child of an alcoholic, he was a wonderful man and father in many ways but some of the stuff I witnessed still affects me today. Look up the charity NACOA for guidance.

2

Ive seen it in my extended family. They stayed together and have brought up their children in a dysfunctional toxic environment. Don’t do it

Separate.

Get the children out of that situation.

2
An aloholic is an alcoholic, no matter how high functioning and it will absolutely affect the kids. You seperate so as to show the kids that this is not ok for the non alcoholic parent and that they are being put first, above alcohol, which an alcoholic will never be consistently able to do.

Separate, it's majorly damaging to the dc self esteem. I always wondered why alcohol was more important than me and why my other parent thought their marriage was more important than me. My parent was also 'functioning' but that still meant I witnessed awful things at home and was driven by a drunk.

Coming from a home where one parent was( still is) an alcoholic, I say you need to leave.

My parent left it very late to leave (6,9,11& 13) and it did have a huge effect on us all, still does truth be told, even thought we are 30’s/40’s.

Knowingly continuing to raise children in dysfunction is not loving.

You would not be posting for advice if the highly functioning behaviour of the alcoholic parent was not having a negative impact on the children.

Even if “high functioning” there will be an emotional impact on the children of living within that environment.

If children’s services get involved then they will push for 2.

Your issue is access and custody arrangements.

This happened to me. I went with option 1 for a while as other parent would have fought tooth and nail for unsupervised access, which his parents would have helped him to finance. Eventually other parent deteriorated so much that the arrangements became option 2.

good luck

Ask Carrie Johnson, if the allegations about her husband are true.

Separate. I was brought up with an alcoholic household, trouble is, the other parent was frequently drunk too. It’s left me extremely resentful. Both me and my sibling left as soon as we could and now live hours away. Our surviving parent can’t understand why we never visit (has been told in very plain English multiple times) and claims that we had the same (idyllic from my perspective) childhood as other family members. Utterly deluded.

Leave. To safeguard the children

What a pointless, unnecessary response.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and I now work with many children who have been impacted by problem drinking in the home. Firstly, it doesn't matter how "highly functioning" the parent may be (or perceive themselves to be) the kids always know. They will pretend not to, because a child's instinct is to love and protect their parents. But they do know, they may not fully understand whilst they're young but they see that something isn't right and as they grow one of two things will happen, either it causes a great deal of anxiety as they worry about and feel responsible for their parent or problem drinking or they grow up thinking its ok to deal with your problems through self-medication.

Seperate. If you don't then you're not putting the DC first and that can never be right.

Always always 2.
always

There is another option. Partner goes to detox and rehab, gets recovery, comes home and loving family is re-established. This can and does happen. It happened to us. DH has been in recovery for 16 years and has a brilliant relationship with our now adult sons. Alcoholism is an illness. Have some sympathy! I know many families who have come through those hellish times.

OP said getting sober is highly unlikely.
I'm sure that would be the preferred option.

Well done to your DH, though! Im glad you got through it together

Separate - the functioning part doesn’t last long. It’s so sad. I am a child from a family that stayed together. Someone has to break the cycle for your kids.

No need for this comment at all.

2, after first collecting enough evidence to limit contact or ask for supervised.

Separate.

No question, best decision I have made for my own kids.

I had an alcoholic parent. My parents stayed together. It ruined my childhood and teenage years and still has a significant impact on me in adulthood.

I wish so much I hadn’t been forced to live with an alcoholic.

Depends, if the alcoholic parent was ever to have overnight visits and holidays then no I wouldn’t do that to my children. I was the child of an single parent alcoholic, it’s horrific!

@essex42 when you say 'goes to detox and rehab' how does this happen? I'm concerned for my friend who doesn't seem to be kicking the addiction through the groups she's going to. Can you get free detox / rehab or is it something you have to pay for?