To ask what’s the worst thing you ever did as a kid?

[Onethirtytwo]

Trying to give myself some perspective that my child will not grow up to be some kind of mass murderer.
Or if you have kids who have turned out to be decent people, what’s the worst thing they did as kids?
Is there hope for mine?
I have a 9yo autistic child who assaulted someone at brownies a few weeks ago, apparently kicking them when they were on the floor, game gone wrong.
She has today had another girl in a chokehold at a different club.
This has been reported to the police and I’m naturally worried as to where this has come from and if it will escalate, and how to stop that.
She watches no violent TV, she doesn’t play violent games, we don’t have electronics upstairs so we’ll monitored, but I’m so worried about this escalating and very much want to put a stop to it now.
She is kind natured generally and is not violent at home. Although she can be difficult verbally and petty with her siblings, and I’m just so worried.
Any advice?

Please 🙏

Bumping as desperate for support

Have you spoken to your doctor about what happened?

It doesn't seem like she is being monitored properly. Those are very serious incidents and maybe she needs to be removed from these clubs, the other kids shouldn't be assaulted like this.

You might want to change the title of the thread - it’s the type of thing I’d normally avoid because I’d assume it’s a journalist looking for fodder for an article, not someone looking for support!

It sounds like the clubs might be too stimulating for your daughter? Is it a bit too much in a sensory way?

@Irritatedmum do you know how I can change the title?
id not thought about the sensory part. She is usually better behaved when she’s got lots to do so we keep her quite busy.

I wouldn't focus on the future focus on the present. Autistic behaviour is communication she's struggling and lashing out , the key is to manage the environment. Does she need routine, structure, advance warning of things happening? Does she need quiet low stimuli or lots of sensory seeking? The idea is keep her as low anxiety as possible on a daily basis so when the unexpected or unavoidable (things that could trigger meltdown) happens it's more manageable. Look at each incident individually and try to figure what went wrong so you can prepare for next time. If she struggles with games /turn taking practice at home in a safe situation. Ask school to work with her on it too. Does she enjoy brownies? Are you there or are the staff trained to work with autistic children, do they recognise the signs when she's struggling. I wouldn't punish meltdowns she can't help her actions when she's overwhelmed and they certainly don't make her a violent person. But when she's not in meltdown you or school could do some awareness of behaviour- books, videos, social stories. But really the key is supporting her so she doesn't escalate to meltdown where possible. If I see one could happen I find a distraction- food, device, or leaving the environment can help. With meltdown I stay with my son , encourage him if he need to hit to do so safely ie settee or cushion so he has an outlet but a suitable one. Just let him no I'm there and then comfort him after as they are scary. Don't compare your child to non autistic children and don't expect the same of her that's not fair. With lots of support she can learn to manage overwhelm in a more acceptable way but she needs guidance to do that.

Also you might get better support on the sen chat as people with nt children do not always understand the struggle for nd children. There's a great Facebook page called ask the autistic adults ran by a group of autistic people. They give fab advice

Not excusing her behaviour but have you asked her why she did it? You don’t think they were picking on her do you? Did they show her any aggression before she did it or was it out of the blue?

The thread title is very misleading. You should be thinking specifically about your daughter’s behaviour. Other people are not her.
She must have learned how to do a chokehold from somewhere. Or do you just mean she was trying to choke the other child?
One of my dc’s experience at a club was ruined by the presence of a child like this, although that child wasn’t actually violent, just extremely disruptive. The parent stayed with them at the club but didn’t do anything except run after them trying to stop them being too disruptive and loud. The leaders just didn’t know what to do.
Girlguiding is inclusive to ND children, which is a good thing, but if other children are being impacted too badly then surely it’s time to withdraw the child, even if only temporarily while you get advice on how to stop this. Assaults on other kids are not on.
There must be something triggering this if she only does it at clubs. Is she getting overexcited by group games or sports? Is she misunderstanding the boundaries of normal boisterousness?
Hopefully your GP can signpost a specialist service or support group that can help you.

Thanks @autienotnaughty this is really insightful. I’m not sure it was a meltdown thing though, by the sounds of it the first incident was a joke taken to far and she still thought it was funny and rough play, and the second incident she became angry and put the girl in a chokehold, but she must have been ok afterwards as it wasn’t reported until today - so I think more anger than meltdown.
I appreciate you saying she’s not a violent child (and she isn’t normally) but that is how she is behaving and how the world will view her and I need to do my best to parent this. I know you say she shouldn’t be expected to behave to the same standards as neurotypical children but is this not what society expects? I absolutely will not tolerate her assaulting others and having autism is not an excuse for this in my eyes.
The mother has gone to the police, how an earth can I stop this happening again.

I'd second what's been mentioned above op, perhaps these clubs aren't the right fit for her and this is her way of saying this is all too much.

Is she overwhelmed by having too many other people around her, or being expected to do team activities that she finds frustrating?

Obviously it's not at all OK for her to be like this to other children but if she isn't violent in other environments there would appear to be something in particular that's making her angry or that's triggering her loss of control.

Does she understand what she has done wrong? Is she sorry? Has she been able to explain why she did it? I think all those things are important. Whatever the reason, it's still not acceptable and it's still harmful, but if you know a bit more about why she thinks it happened and whether she feels any remorse, that might help you understand what's going on and give you a starting point for tackling the behaviour.

Played with myself in the confessional of our village catholic church. the nun thought i was short of breath and nearly called an ambulance

@10HailMarys I haven’t spoken to her yet. Incident happened yesterday and she was fine when she was collected. I took her back today and the organiser said this had happened yesterday, other mum had mentioned it this morning and contacted police.
because I wasn’t aware yesterday I haven’t spoken to her yet.

🙄

OP, you have my sympathy. But in the nicest possible way you can't really compare experiences of NT children to yours. I'd echo the advice of others and seek specific support for autistic children.

I came to say this too.

As a primary aged child, worse than that and more incidents

Can confirm I, an an adult, have never been arrested and have never done anything remotely related to those things.

I did however, have some mental health issues that needed sorting as a teen.

Thank you @CloudCatz this does give me hope

Also it goes without saying that the clubs may not be a fit, and I’ll be looking at that. But removing her from the clubs isn’t going to solve the behaviour, It will take more than that.
In terms of discipline how would other parents discipline an incident like this?

Unfortunately society does expect Sen children to manage to achieve the same standards as none sen children under the same conditions. It also expects poor people to pay to eat and blind people to navigate unsuitable pavements and wheelchairs uses to navigate stairs etc. I wouldn't worry about societies expectations, it likes a one size fits all package and any minority group will tell you how society marginalises them normal does not equal right.
It's not that it's ok for your autistic daughter to hurt others, it's trying to understand why it happened. And it either happened because the environment was unsuitable or because your daughter doesn't understand the implications of her actions. If it's environmental then the environment needs to change or adapt, if it's understanding then yourself and school can be work with your daughter to support her to better understand consequences of actions but it won't change instantly and will require supervision, role modelling, alternative behaviours offered and on going support. It's probably a combination of both and it worth considering if the club is suitable for her especially given the staff didn't inform you instantly it had happened. The police being involved whilst it's awful to happen it doesn't make the incident any worse than if the parents hadn't gone to the police.

Obviously there are complex issues at play here but in the short term, I would make it clear that she will not be allowed to attend clubs if she is going to be violent. You need to protect other children too.

Removing her from the clubs temporarily won’t solve her behaviour, true, but it will protect the other children from potentially serious assaults. The other children don’t deserve to be subjected to that in their leisure activities.
You probably need specialist advice on the behaviour.

Tbh it looks like she won't be able to attend groups without 1 on 1 supervision.

I know it's hard but I researched a lot on emotional regulation and have put DS through the paces.

If anything he is overly empathetic now.

I'd remove her for now.