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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other mums ever feel like this or am I strange??

49 replies

namechangemam · 02/08/2022 19:38

I do most bath and bedtimes with our toddler (16 months) due to the late shifts DH often works. This evening is a rare occurrence of him being home by 6pm. He's come in and offered to do bath time (which is now done) and now he's doing bedtime. Since getting home from work I've done none of the childcare (which is the exact opposite of most days where I'm on the go til 8pm sometimes by myself and he's still not home). Anyway, I'm sitting downstairs relaxing watching TV listening to him settle our toddler and I honestly just feel really lazy and and guilty??? I can't explain it any better than that. Instead of chilling and thinking how lovely to get a night off, I'm sitting thinking I "should" be doing something useful to help.

What is this about? Do other mums get this feeling that they should be doing something when the other parent is "on duty", or this is a "me" problem?? 😢

OP posts:
PeasOff · 02/08/2022 19:41

Nope not at all.

Why would you feel guilty?! Enjoy relaxing and let your partner do what you usually do.

Heroicallyl0st · 02/08/2022 19:42

It’s conditioning. The more you take time for yourself the more you’ll get used to it and not feel guilty. Enjoy it! And try to g get it more often - sounds like rest time is lacking for you.

GeorgeCat1 · 02/08/2022 19:42

I sometimes hide in the bathroom to escape my children and maybe eat a twix in peace or something. I can hear DH trying to marshal them upstairs or whatever and feel zero guilt. It's a useful skill to aquire.

35965a · 02/08/2022 19:43

Well we’ve all heard of ‘mum guilt’ so of course others have felt like you. It’s bollocks though. Why should you feel guilty? You shouldn’t!

Original poster
namechangemam · 02/08/2022 19:44

Heroicallyl0st · 02/08/2022 19:42

It’s conditioning. The more you take time for yourself the more you’ll get used to it and not feel guilty. Enjoy it! And try to g get it more often - sounds like rest time is lacking for you.

I thought this too, i.e. as women are we just conditioned to believe we should be doing the childcare even if it's already in hand? Or is that just me...?

Definitely in need of a rest that's for sure.

OP posts:
Gobrookeyourself · 02/08/2022 19:46

I know exactly what you mean and feel like this a lot, although wish I didn’t. I never think of DH as lazy or anything if he’s relaxing and has some kid free time, but I feel like I should always be doing something. I also feel like since I’m on maternity I should do everything around the house, so feel guilty if DH so much as picks up the iron, but again I know that’s not right and I’m trying to change that

BeanieTeen · 02/08/2022 19:46

Nope.

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 19:48

Yup! Baby DD is EBF which means that I'm responsible for 99% of naps, bedtimes and night wakes because boob=snooze. Every so often, it doesn't work, and I can't settle her, so I had her over to DH to settle. Each time I feel incredibly bad about it.

BUT I do think this is because breastfeeding means the baby feels like "my job". We go 50/50 when it comes to toddler DD and I never feel bad about tapping out and letting him take over. So I blame breastfeeding for the guilt.

Original poster
namechangemam · 02/08/2022 19:52

@MolliciousIntent

That's interesting, and makes a lot of sense. I stopped BF DD at 7 months old but I remember that feeling of being the only one who could settle her. I'm not sure where my guilt comes from now she's older. I think I just see it as my "job" to care for her because I'm the one who does it probably 70-80% of the time due to DH's work. I'm sure he doesn't feel guilty like this when he's at work and I'm doing everything myself at home!

OP posts:
Moofart · 02/08/2022 19:52

I have always had a bad relationship with resting and would feel really guilty if I did. As a result, this year I really burnt out. I've come to learn that it's a vital part of self care and we should be prioritising it. If you don't make time to rest, you'll make time for an illness later on. It might not come over night but just allow yourself a little bit of rest eg handing the reins over at kids' bedtime, it'll become more natural :)

Mamette · 02/08/2022 19:53

I know what you mean but it’s more that I can’t relax than I feel guilty.

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 19:55

If it helps, reframe it. Your DH works 9-5 (or whatever) so from 9-5, he's doing his job and you are doing your job, taking care of your child. At 5pm, when he gets home, you are now both doing the childcare job. 9-5, it's your responsibility, but 5-9, you share it.

NiqueNique · 02/08/2022 19:57

No, I never felt that way. I’ve never had any time for the mummy martyrdom thing.

NiqueNique · 02/08/2022 20:00

Also, very importantly, I always wanted my children to feel just as secure in their father’s care as they did in mine.

RedRobyn2021 · 02/08/2022 20:00

No. Probably because I do it 99% of the time.

But you can bet that 1% I sit downstairs watching tv and eating chocolate buttons without an ounce of guilt.

Teapot1990 · 02/08/2022 20:02

Yep I am 100% the same as you OP!

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 20:05

I'm with you OP. I always feel like I should be tidying or cleaning or something!

Keha · 02/08/2022 20:10

I feel it (am sat here listening to DH put DD to bed). However in my case I generally feel guilty in any situation where I'm not helping or fixing. For me this relates to childhood experiences of feeling that I have to be useful and busy to be valued, then add social conditioning about what mum's are expected to do. I feel a bit envious of those of you just chilling and not feeling bothered by it!

MangshorJhol · 02/08/2022 20:14

Nope. DH is as equal a partner as you can get. We both work FT. I did breastfeed the kids so there was a while when the feeding bit was mine but he did everything else. I feel guilty about many parenting things in general but never about sharing it with DH.

Original poster
namechangemam · 02/08/2022 20:18

Just to clarify DH doesn't do or say anything to make me feel this way. He's a great hands on Dad, he just takes over when he's home from work. It's all my own issue. No idea where it comes from. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangemam · 02/08/2022 20:18

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 20:05

I'm with you OP. I always feel like I should be tidying or cleaning or something!

Yes! Even if I'm not doing childcare I think of all the jobs that need doing and feel like I don't have time to do nothing.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 02/08/2022 20:25

i am on maternity leave and my husband pretty much does every bedtime so he can can one on one time with the baby. I love hearing SH and the baby together. I feel zero guilt about it.

BananaBlue · 02/08/2022 20:26

DH and I had this convo today!

we are very much a hands-on house, but as eg last night I went to bed about 8, DH bathed, put DC to sleep, cleaned and mopped.

I felt guilty hearing this, not enough to get up of course and this isn’t an unusual situ.

Anyhow our discussion today - it’s the patriarchy. Little girls of my generation were socialised to look after the house.

I’m not a mummy or wife martyr but that twinge is always there. Bit like my catholic guilt if I eat meat on Good Friday.

DappledThings · 02/08/2022 20:28

Nope. We do alternate nights for bath and bedtime then all hands on deck on Sundays for hair washing. I love my 3 evenings when I'm off duty by 6.45.

MeenzAmRhoi · 02/08/2022 20:34

No but maybe that's because 3 /5 nights DH wfh so does bath and evening play time / get ready for bed. I then put DS down. So maybe I'm used to it?

Enjoy your evening ok! DC is with dad and happy :) do something fun or relaxing just for you!