Do other mums ever feel like this or am I strange??

[namechangemam]

I do most bath and bedtimes with our toddler (16 months) due to the late shifts DH often works. This evening is a rare occurrence of him being home by 6pm. He's come in and offered to do bath time (which is now done) and now he's doing bedtime. Since getting home from work I've done none of the childcare (which is the exact opposite of most days where I'm on the go til 8pm sometimes by myself and he's still not home). Anyway, I'm sitting downstairs relaxing watching TV listening to him settle our toddler and I honestly just feel really lazy and and guilty??? I can't explain it any better than that. Instead of chilling and thinking how lovely to get a night off, I'm sitting thinking I "should" be doing something useful to help.

What is this about? Do other mums get this feeling that they should be doing something when the other parent is "on duty", or this is a "me" problem?? 😢

Op* not ok 🙄

It's called being a martyr. Unnecessary.

Nope, DP used to do all the bath and bed time routines. It's good for bonding. I was working too but finished at 3pm every day so I did pick up and dinner.

Definitely don't feel guilty, that's easy for me to say but I'm learning that certain things can wait. I think it's easier if your DH is home most evenings and don't do shift work. Then it's a bit of a struggle. You need time to wind down too and relax. The dishwasher, washing will still be there tomorrow. Most of the time I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel that I can't get off of. I'm currently sitting out the back, cooling off as I'm convinced I'm pre-menopausal and having a glass of wine. Everything can wait as we will have to do allll the same things tomorrow.

Nope! I’ve never really done bath time, my husband always does it - and the whole bedtime routine! I cook, sit and read for a bit, maybe have a glass of wine. I absolutely love it! Talking to my NCT group, they all seem to have the same set up! I do nursery drop off though, and he does pick up, as we both work full time (sometimes I do a bit of evening work in that time too). I actively try not to feel guilty now, I had so much of it when they were a newborn (major issues with feeding), and looking back I can see how much time I wasted feeling guilty.

I think I'm definitely a martyr. Is there books to unlearn this behaviour. I need it

@HuckingFelll

That's a helpful reminder thank you! I can very much relate to the hamster on a wheel analogy, I feel this most days! 😫

@Brented

I do all drop offs and pick ups and I work just a bit less than FT, too. As well as most evenings alone due to DH's shifts. It's bloody exhausting. I'm really not sure why I allow the guilt to take over on a very rare evening off!

You have a toddler! It is relentless for sure. You should be enjoying the fact you have a break and a lovely husband who's doing his bit. Stop stressing and put on a tv show you like or just sit in silence, that's what I do haha

Haha the silence is absolutely beautiful tbh. 🤣

Just think of it as your DH and DC getting lovely bonding time and you getting some time for you. Enjoy

Loads of mums feel like this and it really really bothers me. I know it’s not my business and I know it has no impact on me - but mums as well as any other person deserve down time, time to do what they want, and time to put themselves first.

I have never felt any sort of mum guilt other than when I have genuinely been lazy and left everything to DH.

Nope !
I am BF my 3 months old, so it's sort of worked out my 6YO is DHs night time routine and I boob the baby and get home to sleep ...
I do however wish we could swap more often tho!

Oh you shouldn’t feel guilty if you are doing most of the heavy lifting!

I never feed into mine, we both muck in, I never Hoover, only bathe DC if DH isn’t home and never fold/put away laundry.

Everything else is shared.

but I do still get the twinge esp I’ve I've done very little that day and he has come in and done everything.

And the twinge bothers me a lot, hence the convo today!

No because Dh was building a lovely relationship with our children. I get to spend time one on one with the children and so should he. They have been out for "boys' breakfast" too leaving me behind, in bed with a cup of tea made by Dh and later, my children made it.

I would look at why you feel you need to be on the go all the time, to feel "productive" and busy. There is always something that needs doing, it is endless when children are young. Sit down, enjoy yourself for a bit. Relax.

Yep! I feel this as well and have wondered the same…it annoys me as I bet my husbands doesn’t feel this when I’m doing bedtime etc

No .. never felt guilty about 'doing nothing'. I do think a lot of women secretly enjoy being 'mummy martyrs and busy, busy all the time'.

I was chatting with a friend recently... bear in mind we are both over 60, no DC at home, no caring responsibilities etc ... I mentioned a book I was reading, she said she 'couldn't possibly sit and read a book in the day time' .

Nope, no guilt. Sometimes I'll do the dishes or some chores to see that we both get about the same relaxing time in the evening but mostly I look at my phone or YouTube

No we split child care equally, however you and some others were conditioned, I was not, and neither were my friends, we always saw and experienced parenting as an equal activity between us. The 1950s were a long time ago

Turn it on its head. The children need their daddy time, and daddy needs to bond with his children. You are being a great mum by making certain they get their exclusive daddy/children time.

YABVU

You eat a twix when a wispa gold could be consumed?

I felt like that a bit in the beginning with DC1, but then I realised it's better for the DC to get time with their Dad without me there sometimes and it's better for the family as a whole if I (and everyone else too) take breaks and get time to properly relax. Burn out is real and I really didn't want some desire to 'to it all' or 'be supermum' to damage my relationship with my kids (because I'd not taken time to relax and so I would have been waaay more likely to be snippy and tense), or teach them taking time for themselves is bad. Relaxing isn't bad! Put your feet up!

I het you. I have a toddler too but am 9 months pregnant and have Covid and SPD.

My DP is a wonderful dad. He spends LOTS of time with our daughter - he is totally devoted and hands-on. If she wants to play or needs a nappy change he's on the case in an instant. Most nights recently he's done bedtime mostly on his own, making her a bottle, getting her ready for bed, feeding and teeth etc. He also takes her upstairs to bed but I go with them and always sit on the rocking chair with her in her bedroom for cuddles and a bedtime story. I adore that time with her. I then hand the actual settling over to her dad, only because she's still in a cot and due to having a bump, I can't lower her into the cot once she's asleep (we still cuddle her to sleep). I always help with bathtimes.

I do plenty during the day when I can. I am always up first in the morning and do breakfast, get her washed and dressed, hair done, playtime, story time, nappies throughout the day and usually me who plans and prepares meals, but not always. I do lots of housework (as does DP) and all the household admin. Also keeping checks of stocks of stuff like nappies, wipes, cream, toilet rolls and all the other stuff families get through.

I've been very unwell on and off throughout this pregnancy and have had to make a conscious effort to step back (from a physical side AND the feelings of laziness and guilt) from some things in order to let DP take more control from a physical perspective (like cleaning out the rabbits!) but I do as much as I can whenever I can and feel as a couple we work well as a team.

And of course with a toddler and an impending newborn, that will all be shot to shit very soon 🤣