Friends asking intrusive questions

[firebird2]

Hi all,

I would be grateful to know how you would advice dealing with intrusive friends.
My DH and I are quite private people. We are loyal to our friends and family, and if anyone shares anything with us they can be rest assured that their business won't be shared.

Because we are like this, I think we expect the same in return.

However, recently we have been undergoing various stresses including IVF.

We have friends (who are of military ilk) that are a couple. We have been friends with them a long time. However, they are extremely gossipy about their other friends. We find them to be brash and insensitive. The final straw for my DH and I came when they dropped in one us unannounced and starting asking us personal questions (whilst standing) but also sharing personal information about other mutual friends:

• "Is it ok to talk about the IVF?" --> this was in an extremely sarcastic tone.
• "How many IVF treatments have you had?"
• What clinic are you at?
• "Have you been in touch with John (fake name)? He's been suicidal and his mental health is bad." (This was unbeknownst to us and we felt not something that should be shared casually).

I felt underseige in my home and as though I was being cross examined by a prosecuting attorney. This was several months ago.

We have now received a message from the wife of the friend accusing us of cutting them off etc and how disappointed they are we don't keep in touch. But that she wants to make a fresh start.

So, what would you do? I don't want to cut them out completely, but I don't want them to be part of my inner circle and know details about my life.
DH doesn't have many friends, and these are really his friends not mine.

I cannot find a single thing wrong with anything they've said. They've asked questions about your life, which friends do - and mentioned it's a good idea to get in touch with John as he's struggling.

Why would you want to be friends with people who are brash and insensitive?

Let DH deal with them if they are his friends.

If you are not ready to share personal info and don’t trust them, just be polite and keep your distance. It’s your life and your info, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to.

I agree with @ladydimitrescu that in principle, but if it makes you uncomfortable, I think you need to tell them what you told is: you are private people and don't want to discuss personal topics like IVF.

Often when people are going through difficult times, they say that their friends avoid talking about their issues, which can also be upsetting.

My concern would be that she doesn't genuinely want to make a fresh start, she's just missing all the information you used to provide her about whats going on in your life.

I'd find it strange if I told my friends things and they didn't ask questions. They sound like they are being interested in things you're telling them and care.

But she since my husband told them about our IVF. She never once messaged to say "hope you're ok", "how are you guys doing" etc. They just wanted details about our medical treatment (probably to relay to others at a dinner party). I found this weird.

Hmmmm, you and your DH seem uptight.

I voted YANBU but it’s a mixed one really.

I had a really good friend. We’d share stories and feelings and lots about our lives. One day she said something to me about something big that had happened in her life. I realised that previously she’d have spoken to me about it before it happened. When I thought about it more, we were not having two way conversations. She wasn’t sharing much and certainly nothing heartfelt about her feelings and thoughts. I started to pull back and the next few telephone conversations were dragged out and uncomfortable.

In order for a friendship to flourish, people need to share information. Otherwise they become acquaintances.

There isn’t anything wrong with having friendships that are categorised - the people you go out for an evening with/the people you play sport with/your book club friends and the couple (if you’re lucky) that you can turn to in times of need and share most things with.

If you and your DH didn’t want people to discuss your IVF journey, then neither of you should discuss it with other people. It sounds like you didn’t but your DH did so the issue isn’t with the person who asked you about it, the issue is your DH discussed it.

Its possible too that you are private and your DH isn’t as private as you thought or maybe he really needed to talk to somebody and these people are friendly so he discussed it with them. As they go to your house, they seem like close friends? If they railroaded him and put him in an uncomfortable position where he ended up telling them more than he wanted to tell them, then these aren’t the type of friends you need and you would be right to keep them at arm’s length.

It's your DH's call really if they are his friends. They sound like they are trying, albeit clumsily, to establish a closer rapport with you.

If you don't want to share details then thank the friends for taking an interest and say it's a huge personal and emotional thing for you as a couple and you don't feel comfortable discussing the final details with anyone. Ask if you can talk about another subject.

I'd never ask personal details about IVF or infertility. It's very intrusive. It's a different matter if somebody volunteers something and wants to talk about it.

Another time just say, ‘We don’t feel like discussing that, if you don’t mind.’

Or, ‘Sorry, but that’s a private matter - we don’t want to discuss it.’

And if they’re still too thick skinned to take the hint, drop them.

Just say calmly, without smiling;

"That's private business "

"I don't want to talk about our personal stuff"
" Nobody trust a gossip. do they? "

Then immediately change the subject to something bland and boring.

They just wanted details about our medical treatment (probably to relay to others at a dinner party)

Nah, come on. Your IVF is only important to you.

It sounds as though she was just being interested but you've taken it the wrong way.

You don't sound as though you like them much so just swerve the fresh start.

I voted YANBU because if you get the feeling they are asking for gossip and not sharing their own personal life, you’re probably right. Trust your instincts.

You can tell if someone is genuinely interested and concerned or if they are just mining for info.
I'd say your instincts were spot on .

No you don't OP.

Your 'friends' sound like they are wantdetails to add to their gossip account. It's the way they socialise: no real depth or empathy, just the juicy, painful details please. There is something avid about the form the questioning took. Why not distance yourself from them? - it can't be any fun, being put to interrogation about private, sensitive topics.

Tbh the above is very rude unless you want to lose them altogether. If somebody said the above to me I’d never speak to them again about anything other than the weather.

This is an interesting one because I would also consider myself a private person and I wouldn't share anyone else's personal stuff. But I think if someone has told you that they're going through IVF, it's not really rude or overly personal to ask which clinic they're going to or how many rounds they've had. I appreciate that fertility is a very difficult topic but I would say that those are questions that are showing a polite interest in what you're going through without being overly intrusive. If they'd asked you about the intimate details of your ovulation schedule and your DH's sperm count or how it was affecting your sex life, that would be intrusive, but 'Oh, what clinic are you going to?' seems like a really casual, practical question to me.

I can also see why they mentioned John's mental health - that seems to me like an important thing to know about a mutual friend, not casual gossip.

Ultimately, it sounds like these are just people you don't really like (which is absolutely fair enough!) and that perhaps their questions are annoying you not because of the nature of the questions themselves, but because they were the people who were asking them and because they'd turned up uninvited. It sounds like I would find these people really irritating myself, but I'd be irritated by their general manner, not by those questions. It doesn't feel like they've actually done anything offensive, to me, just that they're not your kind of people.

We have now received a message from the wife of the friend accusing us of cutting them off etc and how disappointed they are we don't keep in touch. But that she wants to make a fresh start.

So, after the conversation where you felt 'under siege' did you have some sort of argument with them about it? Or have you just repeatedly ignored friendly messages or what? This doesn't seem like a response to just not catching up with someone for a while, and presumably they don't actually know what the problem is?

Military ilk ?

I don’t think IVF or mental health are topics you can’t talk about - but if you do talk about them I think it should come from a place of care, understanding and compassion. Your friends sound like they were a bit insensitive and maybe a bit ‘gossipy’ and nosy. It didn’t sound like it all came from a good place.

They’re gossips. They’re ‘friends’ with everyone, wring every detail they can out of everyone, and then broadcast it.

I would ditch them. If DH doesn’t want to, let him deal with them. They aren’t real friends, never have been. Real friends care. Real friends don’t drop in with no warning and bring up IVF unless you mention it first, and if you do, they ask how you’re feeling not what clinic you’re at.

If they're gossiping about everyone elses business, then why not ops IVF?

You can tell the difference between someone whos genuinely interested, versus someone fishing for gossip. Trust your gut, op.

These seem like very normal questions to me? They asked if it was okay to talk about too, you could of said no. And asking if you’re okay? I find that a hard one. I quite often might not ask that if I feel the answer is obvious and won’t help the person I am speaking with, but that is just me. Sometimes it can feel a bit patronising.

I’d be very interested in hearing if a mutual friend was struggling! So I could act appropriately and reach out if needed and to help me in recognising signs they were in crisis.

However, you know them best OP. Don’t treat them as friends if you are judging them like this, just distance yourselves and let the friendship die.