Friends asking intrusive questions

[firebird2]

Hi all,

I would be grateful to know how you would advice dealing with intrusive friends.
My DH and I are quite private people. We are loyal to our friends and family, and if anyone shares anything with us they can be rest assured that their business won't be shared.

Because we are like this, I think we expect the same in return.

However, recently we have been undergoing various stresses including IVF.

We have friends (who are of military ilk) that are a couple. We have been friends with them a long time. However, they are extremely gossipy about their other friends. We find them to be brash and insensitive. The final straw for my DH and I came when they dropped in one us unannounced and starting asking us personal questions (whilst standing) but also sharing personal information about other mutual friends:

• "Is it ok to talk about the IVF?" --> this was in an extremely sarcastic tone.
• "How many IVF treatments have you had?"
• What clinic are you at?
• "Have you been in touch with John (fake name)? He's been suicidal and his mental health is bad." (This was unbeknownst to us and we felt not something that should be shared casually).

I felt underseige in my home and as though I was being cross examined by a prosecuting attorney. This was several months ago.

We have now received a message from the wife of the friend accusing us of cutting them off etc and how disappointed they are we don't keep in touch. But that she wants to make a fresh start.

So, what would you do? I don't want to cut them out completely, but I don't want them to be part of my inner circle and know details about my life.
DH doesn't have many friends, and these are really his friends not mine.

I agree. Sorry.

But having said that, only you know the nuances of your conversations and you don't have to be friends with people you don't like.

Generally YANBU for not wanting intrusive questions, however, YABU because none of the questions are even remotely intrusive. You sound like the sort of person who will whinge when people don't ask questions because they "don't care" but will then moan when they ask too many questions because they're "being intrusive". There's no pleasing some people.

I absolutely have had this myself and it makes you feel very uncomfortable. Especially if they are asking it in public, and in front of other people. Just simply say I'd rather talk about it another time and deflect the conversation to talk about something else. That's what I think is best, anyway..

For me it depends on the person/question/context. At times I've been outright blunt, "None of your business luv", at other times I've dodged it and when they asked again (and again), I said, "Do you think if I didn't answer the first two times you asked that I'll answer this time?

Big smile, “Great question! It’s not one I’m going to answer😁. How is your job/kid/etc?

Had friends like this
Cut them off
Gossips and hugely hypocritical

Similar ilk
Texted to asked me if I knew why a colleague committed suicide said 'it must have been because she was dumped again'.

Never spoke to her again

The final straw for my DH and I came when they dropped in one us unannounced and starting asking us personal questions (whilst standing)

I can't get past this. They dared to ask questions while standing?!! I can't fathom how whether they were sitting or standing or anything else has any bearing on this. You seem determined to find fault and are criticising everything about them. I agree with other posters that they seem to be just polite questions. If you don't feel comfortable answering, then say so.

What do you mean by of military ilk?

If you’ve told them about your IVF treatment, then it’s not unexpected they’d ask how it was going, no?

I know people like you. They act like everyone is constantly trying to intrude upon their lives, and are desperate for information about them and their lives. It’s odd. In truth, no one cares - at all - and no one sees them anymore because they’re so uptight and defensive. They do these occasional posts on social media, all gushing and with their children’s faces obscured, which they seem to think are a public service and we’ve all been standing around desperate for info on them. It’s a bit sad in their case.

YANBU - IVF is a sensitive subject that I find completely misunderstood by many. Trust your gut instinct, I wish you lots of luck Xx

But isn’t this literally what you do with friends, talk about what’s going on in your life?
It might be lightweight stuff like what you are watching on Netflix or the colour you are painting your kitchen. Or it can be deeper stuff like IVF or personal problems.
If you only make small talk surely they are merely acquaintances?

Some friendships end, sad as it may be. Perhaps this is one such friendship.

if you don't value them as friends, fair enough - we each value & appreciate different things in friends.

I don't think however they've asked or talked about anything particularly bad .... unless you've previously mentioned anything. if you don't want to talk about your IVF, fair enough - but its not unreasonable to ask how its going, if you've talked to them previously. Conversely, if you've never mentioned it - or said its private - and they continue to probe, different story.

Having gone through 2 cycles of IVF myself and currently on a break from treatment. I get it OP. And I would absolutely hate these kind of questions. You can tell when people care and when people just want to know your business. We’ve not told anyone apart from family and 1 close friend each.

I had an acquaintance tell me about a mutual acquaintance who ‘was so desperate for a child they’ve even done IVF’…it’s that kind of thought process…the oh my gosh, can you believe it nature of it these conversations that stopped me talking to people unless I trusted them implicitly.

I also had another ‘friend’ who was always telling me about people having depression and being suicidal. I like you, thought this was information was far too sensitive to be shared so freely…

Since I’ve stopped talking about our infertility entirely, apart from with family, I feel so much happier and more in control of my emotions. I don’t feel humiliated anymore which I really did before. It’s been so freeing OP. I would keep these friends at a distance. You don’t need the added stress of these conversations at an already hugely stressful time. Big hugs from a fellow infertility warrior x

What the actual fuck? Of course outing someone as being suicidal and mentally ill is not okay! That's a massive, massive violation of John's privacy.

Nah, come on. Your IVF is only important to you.

MN is fully of snooty "absolutely no one is interested in you or your life" strident-type comments designed to put OPs in their place. These posters always insist that no one on the planet ever has the tiniest bit of interest in anyone else's life (like MN would even exist without people being interested in strangers' lives)
and that no one ever looks at anyone else. There have been threads where women have complained about being stared at, and the usual snooty "NO ONE IS LOOKING AT YOU STOP BEING SO SELF-OBSESSED NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU! comments start - like we don't all know that men staring at women is a problem. There seems to be real anger at the idea that other people are looked at or gossiped about, as though it's some kind of brag or indicates self-importance.

I can only assume these posters either never leave their homes, or live in some sort of utopian idyll where gossip does not exist.

Someone who thinks a person's mental health problems are juicy gossip would absolutely gossip about someone's fertility issues.

Just be honest - email back saying you didn't appreciate their rude and intrusive questioning on that occasion, nor the way in which they shared sensitive information about another friend without their consent, and that you took the decision to back away from the friendship, which is your right.

I don't blame you for not wanting brash, nosey and domineering friends like that, OP.

I think you don't like the manner in which she spoke to you, it's all in the tone.

You'd like her to ask how the ivf is going, are you ok? etc but not just ask matter of fact for the info.

She absolutely should tell you about John, we should all talk more about depression and suicide, it's not something that should be hushed up. But I think you feel she was insensitive. She didn't tell you in a sensitive way but a way that felt like she had something juicy to pass on.

Perhaps she is not good at that kind of thing. I know of people who would have my back if i needed them, but aren't who Id go to for a deep and meaningful. You need to decide if you can cope with the brashness and keep her as a friend or not, it's up to you.

They asked if it was ok to talk about the IVF. I assume you said yes, because they carried on. They alerted you to a mutual friend who was in trouble so you could help him - and I really hope that you did. I can't see anything here that would suggest your friends are gossiping, about you or about John. I agree with others that you seem to want them to talk about your IVF but in a different way (how?). IVF can make you incredibly emotional and a failed cycle is very very tough to deal with. I think you will cope easier if you are open and honest about this with your friends, but that is entirely your decision. Be kind to yourself but please don't blame your friends. If you can't be open next time just say you don't want to talk about it. They gave you that option.

I thought my post was quite clear but apparently not, so I'll reword it - My concern would be that she's missing all the gossiping material.

You don’t seem to like them at all so leave it to DH to pursue the relationship if he wants to and stay out of it.

People often find things like poor mental health, infertility and grief isolating because other people don’t ask about them. In isolation they were only trying to understand what’s going on with you both because they’re interested, because you’re meant to be friends. Relationships do tend to involve sharing stories and experiences otherwise what’s the point. If that’s not something you want with them, or with anyone, that’s your choice but it’s unusual if do actually want friends in your life.

Good luck with the Ivf.

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