To call social services on dsis

[Throwaway6]

I'm going to have to change alot of details so this isn't outing.

Dsis is nearing on 40 along with her partner (not married). Dsis owns the house they live in. We as a family have never liked Dsis partner. I have never got a good feeling about him, he is the human embodiment of man child. He would never look after his own children when he was home, he would be plugged into some sort of device or gaming system. He hardly if ever contributes money wise to the bills whilst my Dsis would slave away with 3 jobs to keep everything going. Whenever we bring this up with Dsis she would always claim otherwise and defend him, why I don't know.

Anywas Dsis has had an alcohol problem for a while now and it's only getting worse. She is going out every weekend and bringing her drinking friends back to her house which I'm sure wakes the kids. She has become high disfunctional. Her house is a mess and is unclean. She says she has no money to do things but she manages to always has money to fund her nights out. The kids (last time I checked) sleep on really old Pillows with no bedding or covers. Dsis priorities are completely all over the place and self serving. If ever me or dm would try to get her to see reason about her drinking she goes into denial or shut down mode and says that she only drinks "once a week or only has a couple". It's gotten so bad that we are pretty sure she has been drunk at 12pm before. We also had to go around hers once when one of her 3 children called (dc must of been only 7 at the time) because she had collapsed on the floor from server alcohol poisoning. Me and dm rushed to her house to attend to her and dc. Dm refused to call an ambulance even though she clearly needed one. It was obvious why she didn't want services involved. This was a couple of years ago now. I know she isn't that bad at the moment and still gets up to her jobs but there is no saying when that may happen again.

But the worst thing of it all is Dsis and her partner argue all the time. Dsis can't stand him and allows him to sleep in her room whilst she sleeps in one of the kids rooms. Her children are 5 7 and 11. They aren't stupid and they know something is up. Dsis has been going off at nights and seeing other men which she has happily announced to us all. It all came to head when her partner suspected it and they had a nasty argument at 4 in the morning which woke the kids. Dsis has now said she has told her partner they are "over" but they do this all the time. Nothing has changed and he is still living there. I'm so so worried about the effects and damage this is all having on the children. SS where called on them once before for having a public display. Dm is reluctant to call SS again because of this. She is worried that the kids will be taken away. It's infuriating because I feel like all my family just Bury their heads in the sand about Dsis and the kids. I feel like dm is more worried about protecting Dsis rather than worrying about what is best for the children. No one is putting them first and god knows what goes on before closed doors. I know they have had physical fights and the children have said that they have witnessed daddy push mummy. I can't just sit by and do nothing. I've grown up with a messed up toxic childhood myself and I know how permanently damaging it is.

Dm said she will talk to Dsis again but I know she won't hear it and nothing will come from it all. So how long do we give her until enough is enough? I know in my heart SS should be called now but if I do that I risk my whole family never talking to me again. And then what if the kids get taken away and put into a home and it turns out worse for them. They aren't in any immediate danger. Dsis will never harm the kids neither would the partner. They get well and go out alot. They have family that love them. Its more their psychology welfare I'm worried about.

Me personally would take the children and threaten if they don't sort themselves out then social services would be contracted.

I know this varies from person to person but as soon as I saw the living conditions my DN's would be coming with me.

@felulageller im not being insensitive to my dsis. I understand she drinks as a coping mechanism but that has caused it to become an addiction. Drink is not the answer. Instead is spending money and energy on going out it should be spent on buying the kids new pillow cases or doing up the house that is a tip. She has been living there for 8 years now and it still has hardly made any progress since the first day she has moved in.

My sympathy only runs so short with her now because I have gone down the empathy road for a long time with her and its get no where. You can only help someone as much as they wanted to be helped and she refuses to accept the fact that she drinks to much and would rather drink than face her real life problems.

For example her partner. She OWNS the house. She doesn't need help escaping him she needs to kick him out. But when I tell her that she is all "oh I don't want to make him homeless" which is bs and we know she just wants him there to facilitate her nights out with random guys and her drinking buddies. She isn't a victim in this anymore. The kids are. She is quite happy drinking and partying and cheating. It's cruel but I'm worried about the kids witnessing this all rather than someone that is "living life now"

So I work in this field there is alcohol abuse children being potentially neglected so yes you should make a call they will decide what will happen to support the family.

Perhaps next time you know she is drunk and with the children ring the Police instead and pretend to A neighbour concerned about this and neglect, this will provide evidence for SS also and Police will look around the house to see.

I know it is school holidays, but a disclosure to the school is a way of retaining your anonymity - unless you think it is urgent, in which case ignore me. They will, no doubt, have seen things and heard things from the children. With a bit more information they may be able to take things forward. Disclaimer- I am a teacher, not a social worker.

If OP calls the school and they call Children's Services, they will be asked where they're getting their information from. They will not name OP but will have to say it was a concerned relative who contacted them. The School will also have to let the children's Mum know they are making a referral to CS (this is standard practice unless there is reason to believe doing so would increase the risk of harm to the DC, and there is nothing in the OP to suggest this is the case) and again, she is sure to ask why. They will have to say that they have been called by a concerned adult and although they won't name OP, Dsis is likely to work it out. I'm not trying to discourage OP from reporting but I think it's important she understands what is likely to happen next.

she sounds like a functioning alcoholic. She may not appear bad but under the surface she is as bad as she was then. I know your dm doesn’t want the services involved but somebody needs to be involved even if it’s just getting her sober in a clinic or getting her to attend meetings. I have a relative who is an alcoholic so i know how hard it is as a family to deal with substance abuse and where to go from here but you really have to be firm and put your foot down. Substance abusers don’t see how bad it is and have even convinced themselves it’s not as bad as it is. For dc you need to even offer to take the child while she gets sober, she can’t do it with dc there and it’s not fair to make them live like this. If social services got involved they would want to know if family could take dc so maybe look at options between family members to incase it comes to that.

Me personally would take the children and threaten if they don't sort themselves out then social services would be contracted. I know this varies from person to person but as soon as I saw the living conditions my DN's would be coming with me.

You can't just "take" somebody's children. It doesn't matter your justification or how you're related to them, their DM holds Parental Responsibility according to the law and has rights that can only be removed by the court. The Police would be contacted and the DC swiftly returned home. You would be told to report your concerns to Children's Services and that it was up to them to determine what steps need to be taken.

She doesn’t have to say she is a relative she can just say she is a friend and has concerns. Sadly I had to report this way for a child who was in this same situation with a mother neglecting the child with alcohol issues. I felt awful but even her closer friends were turning a blind eye to it and she had no family. The child was removed which made me feel even more awful but she has shown despite this she continues to be on a downward spiral but the child is doing so much better. He was showing very bad signs of neglect and abuse and the abuse was very bad.

I can't take the dc. I'm a young single ftm that lives with parents so I won't be much help! I don't have a house to offer them or any spare rooms. Dsis has asked that I move in but I've refused to because that means placing them before my dc and I can't subject my dc to that environment as horrible as it sounds. But I offer to take the kids and look after them all the time and watch as dsis rolls back at 1/2 am drunk as a skunk and tells me that her drinking buddies will be coming soon so I can go home.

If social services got involved they would want to know if family could take dc so maybe look at options between family members to incase it comes to that.

This is very unlikely unless their DM explicitly said she was no longer willing to care for the children and gave permission for them to be placed with relatives. Children's Services cannot just place children with relatives again their parents wishes unless they have obtained a court order, and they would have to show that every attempt had been made to support the parents to continue to care for their DC at home first.

I'm getting mixed signals about whether it is the best thing to do or just completely pointless. To all those who saying don't call ss what would you suggest as an alternative. I'm due to see dsis partner today and its going to take everything in power for me to not tell him what I think of him as a parent.

I'm getting mixed signals about whether it is the best thing to do or just completely pointless.

Why would it be pointless? Just because the children are unlikely to be removed doesn't mean its pointless. Support can still be put in place for your Dsis and her DC. Surely its better to report your concerns and know you've done everything within your power to change the situation than have to live with the knowledge that you've stood by and let it happen.

Don’t wait, do it. The kids shouldn’t have to live like this.
Do an anonymous referral to SS or the school nurse. But SS is your best bet.

When he does leave the door is then open for a string of unknown men to be round.

Get those dc to safety op.

Or you are sadly cut from the same cloth surely?

"Me personally would take the children and threaten if they don't sort themselves out then social services would be contracted"

If you did this and one of the parents called the police, the police would insist you return them. If they are in immediate danger you need to call the police.

This does not reach the level of social services removal although if the parents are not listening/ accepting help you should report the situation. As a pp said social services will look at what support family can offer so that should be the main thing you do

She’s a drunk
she brings drunk strangers back to her home in the middle of the night whilst her children are there

before you even start drilling down to lack of bedding, hygiene, emotional abuse these children are in danger.

someone needs to do something before something tragic happens. Your sister clearly cannot be left to her own devices as a parent

Do it. NSPCC if not SS. Someone needs to , and probably should regularly if they manage to not have any action taken. It does not sound as if either "parent" is willing to change and there won't accept any voluntary support. Do not compromise your family stability for such selfish people.

Your mum is part of the problem, not part of the solution. So bypass her.

Were there other problem drinkers in the family?

Children services will do something the second time. First time was advice given it sounds like, second time is a pattern where advice has not worked

I'm afraid whatever you worry about in terms of repercussions, this really is an unhealthy situation for DCs
Dsis is neglecting them as she's checked out with alcohol misuse each weekend , both parents need reporting as Dad is emotionally unavailable playing in games consoles too.

Not putting bedding in in their beds

Parents Arguing aggressively enough to wake them up

Dsis is not listening to family interventions and is the grip of alcoholism which is not an illness that people can fix easily and a rock bottom CSD were called may need to be that impetus she needs to sort herself out

You can do the CsD anonymously and ask that they hint it came from a stranger over hearing rather than family given it may have repercussions she cuts you off and you're a source of support.

CSD are likely to do an unannounced visit

The alternative is you say someone will end up calling CSD Dsis or DCs will say something at school, so you must change this now, it's not fair on your DCs whom you love.

School won't be open to take a referral and it's 4 weeks at least until schools reopen

The school nurses work all year round though.

Call SS and explain your concerns. It’s not for you or anyone on here to prejudge whether or not they will be useful. It may add to other reports.

Also look at this on how to help kids in this situation: NACOA

I was removed from my birth family (went on to be adopted, as kinship/reunification was not possible.) Please call social services, and do it now. Let the professionals decide if there is an issue. If someone had bothered earlier, my brother may not have ended up with all the issues + disabilities he has. As I always say, if in doubt, just report to be on the safe side.

This is neglect and 99% of the time there will be other issues, that you are not aware of. I am sure you are probably feeling awful, and I do have sympathy for your sister, but child welfare has to come above an adults feelings + problems.

Neglect can (and often does) cause development delay, mobility issues, screws up a child's ability to attach/form relationships, stops them thriving in school among many other things.

SS aren’t there to just remove kids they can provide support for families who need it and as the DCs aren’t in immediate danger then they definitely won’t be removed.

If this situation escalates are you or DM or anyone able to look after the DCs?

When my nieces mum was in an abusive relationship and at risk of having her DD removed they asked their dad (my brother) and the rest of his family if one of us would have her live with us or support my brother if she lived with him, if they were to remove her.
Removing then to a childrens home or foster family is the absolute last resort.

Whats really sad here is that you are an independent single parent, she’s practically a single parent, she works and own her own home - so it’s not like she’d struggle if they broke up.
She’d actually be much better off and you could support each other.

I would call SS.
This isn’t going to get better in its own and sometimes just the shock is enough to make her change her life.

Yes she drinks to deal with life but I have no sympathy for her as her lifestyle is her choice and she is choosing to stay with her DP.

I was thinking given then fact they have just had an explosive argument the other day I could call ss as that would seem plausible that a neighbour would of over heard