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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to move

34 replies

maskedmother · 01/08/2022 19:57

So my partner wants to move closer to his family and friends, they are currently about a 2 hour drive away. We live 10 minutes from all my family. We have 1 child and another on the way, but he's saying being this far away is slowly killing him. When I met him, he was already living in my area for a new job. So I haven't made him move to be closer to my family. I stated from day one that I'm super close to my family and would never move away from them and it hasn't been an issue really until now. AIBU for not wanting to move? I'm the one who will be at home with the children most of the time and he wants me to the middle of nowhere where I know no one, whilst he works 5 days a week. I don't think I'm in the wrong here

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 01/08/2022 19:58

YANBU. I wouldn't move either. I think if you'd met elsewhere and moved to be closer to your family etc I'd consider it, but you met him where you live already. Has he said what's changed?

CantaloupeMelon · 01/08/2022 20:01

YANBU. You met where you are now and you've always been honest about it being important to you. He's the one moving the goal posts.

Incidentally if this relationship breaks down are you able to support yourself financially?

yonce · 01/08/2022 20:02

Would halfway ever be an option? I understand your logic of him being there already when you met, but I'd be so upset hearing my DH was so upset about it - slowly killing him sounds like it's having a real impact. I don't think it's a case of who's in the wrong or right, I think it's a case of what can be done to help both of you if it's possible.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2022 20:08

"he's saying being this far away is slowly killing him."
He's going to have to come up with a bit more detail than this! What does he think will change for him if you move closer to his family? What does he think will change for you? What life does he expect to lead there that he can't here? What will he do for a job?

I'd be wondering, since you have one child and another on the way, if he's coming under family pressure to move 'their grandchildren' closer to them.

How long ago did he move to your area and how long have you been together? Has he ever so much as hinted before that he wanted to move?

TBH my default answer would be no, he'd have to put up very good reasons to move you all, and 'it's slowly killing him' is not any sort of a reason it's just emotional blackmail.

Pizza2P0cket · 02/08/2022 08:32

How often goes he go to visit his family currently ?

pylonpal · 02/08/2022 08:35

YANBU. So many women get worn down by guilt and pressure that they move to where their H wants to go. The H doesn't feel this guilt about what they are asking of their partner.

Don't go. Frankly, he's being selfish, and clearly prioritising himself over you.

You'll regret it if you move and the resentment will kill your relationship anyway, so you are better off staying where you are.

GiantSpaceHamster · 02/08/2022 08:59

I wouldn’t move. If you do and you become isolated and can’t settle, you might be stuck. If your relationship breaks down, he might obtain a court order saying you can’t move away with the children, so you’d be even more stuck.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 02/08/2022 09:02

So the pull to his relatives is stronger than to you and his dc? Cut him loose op.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2022 09:04

No, don’t move. But if he decides to without you then what?

SleeplessInEngland · 02/08/2022 09:07

I wouldn't move now because doing it with a small child and baby on the way is just too much hassle, but a few years down the line he's within his rights to bring it up again.

Livpool · 02/08/2022 09:10

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 02/08/2022 09:02

So the pull to his relatives is stronger than to you and his dc? Cut him loose op.

This is a bit harsh.

You could say the same about OP. It's a normal thing for couples and families to consider

WouldBeGood · 02/08/2022 09:11

YANBU. Two hours isn’t that far for him to visit his family, but far too far for you to move as you’d lose day to day support.

Stand firm on this.

Whitehorsegirl · 02/08/2022 09:20

I am going to disagree with the other posts so far.

The solution would be for both of you to compromise and live somewhere halfway between the two sets of families.

it is very convenient for you to be so close to your family but to expect him to be so far from his is not that reasonable. If you were the one who was 2 hours away I bet people would take your side...

I personally would also not want my partner's family pretty much on my doorstep. You say you are ''super close to your family'' but this might be suffocating for him. After all your family first and foremost is your husband and kids.

So I would not see any issue with a move to bring him closer to his network but somewhere you also can keep contact with yours.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 02/08/2022 09:22

The op is where she has always been. She didn't make him move. His dc and op should be his priority.. Not moaning for mummy.

Original poster
maskedmother · 02/08/2022 09:33

@Whitehorsegirl he's not suffocated by my family, he sees them maybe once or twice a month. He works 5 days a week, on shifts so the hours can he unsociable. When he's at work or sleeping (he does night shifts too) that's when I take my son out and see my family and friends. We then tend to have the weekends with just us and visit his family. So I see my family a lot but he does not. We already moved 40 minutes away from my family and it just didn't work, I was at home with a newborn and was completely isolated majority of the time. It was his idea to move a little closer again so I had more day to day support. We go see his family maybe once a month, and they come here too. I've suggested going to see them more, I'd be more than happy with that. I think he mainly has FOMO with his friends. For example, this weekend just gone they mentioned in their group chat about going to for an impromptu 5 aside kick about and breakfast with their kids aswell. My partner obviously couldn't go and I think he just hates missing out.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 02/08/2022 09:36

Moaning for mummy

🙄

Original poster
maskedmother · 02/08/2022 09:42

Also just to add, his mum his looking to move closer to us. She lives on her own and has always wanted to move this way anyway. HE doesn't want her to move here though, he loves her and supports her but likes having some space between them. Of course he wouldn't ever tell her that. His dad and other family obviously will still be 2 hours away. I think it's more his home town and his mates that he misses

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 02/08/2022 09:44

Yanbu

Do not move OP

You need support around as you are the one doing majority of the parenting - he's at work!!

Why would you move away from your family where you've always lived and you met , and you told him you would never move?. He can move but DCs & you don't
You'd be in an even worse position than him as you're the one that needs regular support.

The compromise is not move halfway - 1 hour drive away from family each- that's ridiculous as then no family will pop over after work or be near enough to help! Also OP doesn't want to move and never has so that's not an option. The compromise is that he visits home on his own a little more often- say 6x a year.

I moved for my ExDH who worked ridiculous long hours and was left 3 - 5 hours drive away from any family - they visit me. Your ex is manipulative "being so far away is killing him"? What sob story is this?! He just needs to get in the car...

2 hours is nothing

A number of people commute more than that every morning and home again in the evening!

his family can travel or he can arrange to visit them - (just with the toddler) - that's the compromise- as long as it doesn't eat significantly into his other responsibilities as parent. A two hour drive can be done there and back on a Saturday or leave on Friday evening return Saturday evening after tea time every now and then

Tiani4 · 02/08/2022 09:48

Cross posted
Oh my goodness- you already see his family twice a month??!!

This is about FOMO with his old school friends from home? What a selfish pr*ck to want to move the mother of his DCs with new born on the way away from her support including family and friends because he fancies a few nights out with his old gang Hmm?!

He needs to grow up

Don't even entertain this OP
No good father would want to do this

Testina · 02/08/2022 09:53

It’s obvious that he misses his friends rather than his family, and actually I do sympathise on the breakfast thing! That would make me sad too, if I were him.

TheSandgroper · 02/08/2022 09:58

If he moved to your area purely for a job and only then met you, did he make much effort to create a life for himself? Join a team, gym etc? Shift work shouldn’t be a barrier. You do what you can do. Or is he continuing to try to live a life that he left behind?

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 10:01

Why would you need to move to the middle of nowhere? There must be a compromise here?

KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs · 02/08/2022 10:02

What’s he going to do for work if it’s a 2-hr commute?

SaltandPepper22 · 02/08/2022 10:27

yonce · 01/08/2022 20:02

Would halfway ever be an option? I understand your logic of him being there already when you met, but I'd be so upset hearing my DH was so upset about it - slowly killing him sounds like it's having a real impact. I don't think it's a case of who's in the wrong or right, I think it's a case of what can be done to help both of you if it's possible.

Please don’t do this thinking half way is the ultimate compromise. We lived half way between families/friends for 3 years and it was horrid. It’s the worst of both worlds. You are always getting in the car whenever you see anyone and have neither side to see casually or pop in on/support etc. In reality you won’t do a 1 hour drive any more than you did a two hour drive. You have to choose.

We moved to say same town as DPs family/school friends last year (it’s cheaper than my family’s area) and it’s been the best thing we ever did. Don’t give up for sense of community and belonging for some sense of compromise which will make you both miserable!

bluegardenflowers · 02/08/2022 10:28

If you intend to use family to Haley with childcare than it makes all kinds of sense to remain where you are. If not somewhere in between is a good compromise

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