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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants to move

34 replies

maskedmother · 01/08/2022 19:57

So my partner wants to move closer to his family and friends, they are currently about a 2 hour drive away. We live 10 minutes from all my family. We have 1 child and another on the way, but he's saying being this far away is slowly killing him. When I met him, he was already living in my area for a new job. So I haven't made him move to be closer to my family. I stated from day one that I'm super close to my family and would never move away from them and it hasn't been an issue really until now. AIBU for not wanting to move? I'm the one who will be at home with the children most of the time and he wants me to the middle of nowhere where I know no one, whilst he works 5 days a week. I don't think I'm in the wrong here

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/08/2022 10:34

KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs · 02/08/2022 10:02

What’s he going to do for work if it’s a 2-hr commute?

This! Missing friends is one thing but the ramifications for both your lives are large.
Sounds like he needs to build a more local network of friends. Are your kids in school yet? That makes a difference when you start to get to know other people that aren't linked to your family or your old friends?

WireSkills · 02/08/2022 10:36

He needs to find new friends locally! Not wanting to encourage him even more time away from the family, but is there a local football group or something that he could join?

He wants to move away and isolate you from your support network, for the sake of an impromptu kickabout?! (I know it's more than that, but he needs to look at the bigger picture FFS). There's no guarantee his friends will stay in the area either. I moved away when I was a teenager for work and had the opportunity to move back in my early 20's. If I had, my friends would have been around and it would have been great, but now we're all in our 40's, only 1 or 2 of those friends are still in the same area.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say all these mates don't have children. When they do, the impromptu kickabouts will all disappear.

DuckDuckNo · 02/08/2022 10:39

Tiani4 · 02/08/2022 09:48

Cross posted
Oh my goodness- you already see his family twice a month??!!

This is about FOMO with his old school friends from home? What a selfish pr*ck to want to move the mother of his DCs with new born on the way away from her support including family and friends because he fancies a few nights out with his old gang ?!

He needs to grow up

Don't even entertain this OP
No good father would want to do this

This. Yanbu. Do not move away from your support network as the parent who does the majority of parenting so he can be closer to his buddies.

hoorayandupsherises · 02/08/2022 11:24

Yes, as PP said, halfway between the two is the worst of both worlds - it won't help him join in impromptu kickabouts and you'll be away from all your day-to-day support.

Given that he was already in your area, he doesn't want his mum to live closer, you always said you didn't want to move away from family, he is being unreasonable here.

You could find yourself really isolated if you moved.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2022 18:39

maskedmother · 02/08/2022 09:33

@Whitehorsegirl he's not suffocated by my family, he sees them maybe once or twice a month. He works 5 days a week, on shifts so the hours can he unsociable. When he's at work or sleeping (he does night shifts too) that's when I take my son out and see my family and friends. We then tend to have the weekends with just us and visit his family. So I see my family a lot but he does not. We already moved 40 minutes away from my family and it just didn't work, I was at home with a newborn and was completely isolated majority of the time. It was his idea to move a little closer again so I had more day to day support. We go see his family maybe once a month, and they come here too. I've suggested going to see them more, I'd be more than happy with that. I think he mainly has FOMO with his friends. For example, this weekend just gone they mentioned in their group chat about going to for an impromptu 5 aside kick about and breakfast with their kids aswell. My partner obviously couldn't go and I think he just hates missing out.

Oh my giddy aunt, your update post really puts in perspective his drama llama "being this far away is slowly killing him"! What a dick!

So he doesn't really miss his family, in fact he "likes having some space between them" (him and his mum).

"I think it's more his home town and his mates that he misses." It certainly seems he misses his mates, and I do actually have some sympathy (I moved six hours from my home town for work). But really - "slowly killing him"? I'm surprised you can take him seriously at all.

Rather than uproot you (and it didn't work the last time, he knows that) he needs to start addressing his actual problem - he's got no mates nearby. It's tricky, I had to join clubs and befriend colleagues and actually work at making new friends. If he likes a kickabout, could he join a local five aside team? Maybe his employer runs one? The answer to his 'dying inside' <smothers giggle> is in his own hands, and it does not involve uprooting his family to chase his youth (when all our mates were around us).

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2022 19:49

For example, this weekend just gone they mentioned in their group chat about going to for an impromptu 5 aside kick about and breakfast with their kids aswell. My partner obviously couldn't go and I think he just hates missing out.

That suggests that IF you moved he'd want to be out with 'the lads' a lot more, so you'd have even less support.

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 22/01/2024 07:59

Hi @maskedmother old thread but just seeing how this panned out in the end? Reading your posts, I am in very similar situation

Commonsense22 · 22/01/2024 08:21

Two hours? Many of us have our family abroad.
You're incredibly fortunate to be so close to yours but I would be very concerned about his motives in asking you to move since you are the one not working. If they're only two hours away he can see them every month.

Zanatdy · 22/01/2024 08:25

Yes this is more FOMO and missing his home town. I get that as I moved away and I’ve had to wait years for a chance to move back due to children and schooling. It can be hard but I think sometimes you look with rose tinted glasses. In your circumstances I wouldn’t move. Maybe he does more nights out with mates and stays over at his mums

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