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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepparent Boundaries

46 replies

IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:18

I'm new to this stepparent world, I have certain boundaries in mind while my partner almost has none.

My partner has 3 children by 3 different mothers & his children have other siblings by their mothers (we have none together but I have a 5 yo and a 14 yo by my ex-husband).

I moved into his home almost 2 years ago and his children came over on a set schedule. As time has gone on, I've realized that in order for him to "keep the peace" as he says it, he pretty much allows his children's mothers to do as they please with dropping the kids off whenever so they can go on vacation, get their hair done, hang out, etc. and now they're even dropping off the other kids so their siblings can watch them at our house. His kids are 15, 14 & 5. Their siblings are 8 & 3. I don't feel comfortable having a house full of kids with no adult supervision and when I say that, he makes it seem like I have an issue with the kids when in reality I have an issue with the mothers.

I also find out from his kids, not him, that their siblings are coming over or staying the night. Only when I bring it to him does he say anything.

Is it me? Is it him? Is there another way I can bring this topic up without him feeling offended?

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:20

It's up to him really but no I wouldn't be happy with this set up.

twoshedsjackson · 01/08/2022 16:21

Offended? More likely "annoyed at being rumbled"!
This will only work if it becomes his concern to "keep the peace" with you!

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 01/08/2022 16:21

He’ll get offended no matter what because you having boundaries about your own home means he can’t just do what he likes. He’ll have to consider something other than what makes his life easiest.

Frankly, I’d move out and leave him to it. It’s not going to improve.

Azerothi · 01/08/2022 16:25

It sounds to me as if your boyfriend moved you in for this exact purpose. Who is in the house when all these children are there? And why blame the mothers of these children when he wanted so many by so many different women?

pjani · 01/08/2022 16:26

On the other hand though, I bet it has enabled close and nice relationship with his kids and for them also to have close and nice relationships with their siblings. It’s quite a nice attitude that you don’t hear much about.

Does he leave the young ones completely unsupervised or is he keeping an eye out?

Although I admire it, I also don’t know if I could handle it though I wouldn’t try and change it. Either grit your teeth for a few years until they are all tweens and older - then I suspect they’ll all be more independent - or move out for a few years with the intention of returning.

I would suspect his open-hearted mess would appeal in other ways? Though the chaos that must be his home would not be for everyone.

Original poster
IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:29

Also, I'm the one who is home with them. He doesn't get home from work until about 10-11 p.m.

The other fathers are absent; my spouse is the only present male figure.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 01/08/2022 16:29

I would guess that he sees it as his home that you just moved into and isn't seeing you as equals at all.

It's fair enough with the 14&15 year old as long as their parents know where they are and are happy.

I wouldn't like the chaos and I would constantly worry that a child would be unaccounted for and something bad would happen.

Whatever you do, don't let him make you the bad guy, there may not be a compromise that works for you both and that's not your fault.

Azerothi · 01/08/2022 16:31

As I thought, your boyfriend moved you in for that exact reason. So you could have them all. He must have told all the mothers you would have them.

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2022 16:31

IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:29

Also, I'm the one who is home with them. He doesn't get home from work until about 10-11 p.m.

The other fathers are absent; my spouse is the only present male figure.

Fuck that. I was agreeing with the others that it's up to him (though I wouldn't stay in a relationship in those circumstances) but not if he's not even there. He's taking the piss massively. Throw this one back.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:36

IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:29

Also, I'm the one who is home with them. He doesn't get home from work until about 10-11 p.m.

The other fathers are absent; my spouse is the only present male figure.

Oh my goodness no. He's using you as some sort of childcare for all his ex's children and not even the ones where he is the dad. This is madness. can you leave easily I genuinely would consider it. At the very least invoice him.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:37

IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:29

Also, I'm the one who is home with them. He doesn't get home from work until about 10-11 p.m.

The other fathers are absent; my spouse is the only present male figure.

He's not even present from the sounds of it!

Wetblanket78 · 01/08/2022 16:38

I would be putting my foot down. They are using you for childcare on tap. You shouldn't have to be responsible for DSC siblings. Do they give you any money to feed the extra children? What if you want to go out somewhere?

pjani · 01/08/2022 16:41

Ok yes that changes things. I was fine with it when he was there and overseeing things!

I would talk to him about it and if he’s unwilling to change his shifts to be there whenever any kids are then it might be time to move out. He needs to be doing the childcare. Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to break up (depending on how you both feel), just a temporary re-drawing of the boundaries till the step kids are more grown up, things will look very different in about 5 years.

Though I will say, again I think it’s quite lovely that he plays a father role to so many children that aren’t his and that will probably be very important to all of them (again - this is only relevant when he is actually there!)

Original poster
IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:41

Physically he isn't as present as I am because of his work schedule.
Which is another reason why I brought up the schedule he had with them.

They come on his days off, or used to. Now they come on days that he isn't off or for extended periods of time. I thought the reason for the schedule was so they could spend time with their dad.

When I mentioned that, he said "I get it but sometimes their mom's need a break too".

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 01/08/2022 16:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

UWhatNow · 01/08/2022 16:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ontomatopea · 01/08/2022 16:51

IsItMe2022 · 01/08/2022 16:41

Physically he isn't as present as I am because of his work schedule.
Which is another reason why I brought up the schedule he had with them.

They come on his days off, or used to. Now they come on days that he isn't off or for extended periods of time. I thought the reason for the schedule was so they could spend time with their dad.

When I mentioned that, he said "I get it but sometimes their mom's need a break too".

Not your problem. Not your responsibility to give them a break. You can see how wrong this is?

MintJulia · 01/08/2022 16:52

Yabu because it's his house. They are his kids (well, most of them) and he's happy with the regime.

That doesn't mean I think it's a good idea. He and their mothers are blatantly using you as a free babysitting service. It's totally unfair and if something goes wrong it will be 'your fault'.

I also wouldn't be happy with random unrelated children/youths being in my home with my 5yo, whether I wanted them there or not. You need to move out.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2022 16:55

Why exactly are you with this Prince amongst men?

Lilithslove · 01/08/2022 16:56

I get it but sometimes their mom's need a break too

Contact is not to give their mum a break it for them to see him. He is doing them a disservice by not being around when they are there. Stop worrying about offending him.

If you want to stay living there then if possible you need to be out when his children show up.

But to be honest I think I would consider moving out. You have raised it with him and nothing has changed so he clearly doesn't care.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 17:01

He has to be told that he has to be physically with them whenever the younger children are about (not the teens obviously).

GabriellaMontez · 01/08/2022 17:02

So he's taken you on as a kind of nanny to give his previous women a break. How generous.

Your issue is with him. Not them. Tell him no or better still move out. You're being used. And he's no partner to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 17:02

Contact is not to give their mum a break it for them to see him. He is doing them a disservice by not being around when they are there. Stop worrying about offending him.

Also this!

and when do you get a break?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 17:02

Contact is not to give their mum a break it for them to see him. He is doing them a disservice by not being around when they are there. Stop worrying about offending him.

Also this!

and when do you get a break?

GabriellaMontez · 01/08/2022 17:04

Hang on... they leave their other children by other men as well?! OMG.