Stepparent Boundaries

[IsItMe2022]

I'm new to this stepparent world, I have certain boundaries in mind while my partner almost has none.

My partner has 3 children by 3 different mothers & his children have other siblings by their mothers (we have none together but I have a 5 yo and a 14 yo by my ex-husband).

I moved into his home almost 2 years ago and his children came over on a set schedule. As time has gone on, I've realized that in order for him to "keep the peace" as he says it, he pretty much allows his children's mothers to do as they please with dropping the kids off whenever so they can go on vacation, get their hair done, hang out, etc. and now they're even dropping off the other kids so their siblings can watch them at our house. His kids are 15, 14 & 5. Their siblings are 8 & 3. I don't feel comfortable having a house full of kids with no adult supervision and when I say that, he makes it seem like I have an issue with the kids when in reality I have an issue with the mothers.

I also find out from his kids, not him, that their siblings are coming over or staying the night. Only when I bring it to him does he say anything.

Is it me? Is it him? Is there another way I can bring this topic up without him feeling offended?

He's absolutely taking advantage of you - unless you stop him, he will continue.

The issue is with you. Have some boundaries. Have some standards. Your kids are watching you as their role model. And you’ve moved into a man’s house to be his free childcare.

This! ⬆️

It would be a no from me. His kids only , no siblings and only when he's there. Cheeky bastard.

I feel very sorry for your own children.

This would drive me absolutely nuts OP. You need to make it crystal clear to your partner that his kids (and their siblings) can only come over when he's at home.

Are you financially dependent upon this man?

if you are I guess he thinks he is supplementing your life so you should be happy to do a bit of childcare

what is happening in the background is

ex No1: oh Johnny wants to come over tonight

your dp: that’s fine, my resident babysitter will be here so send him round

ex no2: can you look after Mike tonight I need a break

your dp: I’m working

ex No2: can babysitter not do it until you get home then?

your dp: yeah sure!!!

Move out. His kids' mothers' needs are not your problem, and he's got a real cheek making it so. It should not even occur to him.

His kids are his responsibility, not yours. If he's not around to even spend time with them or look after them, then he's not taking responsibility.

His kids' mothers (plural!) would not be able to dump their kids at the house whenever it suits them unless you were there. Because he works long hours, right? So who gave them the all-clear to start doing that?

What did you find attractive about a man with three children by three different women? Did alarm bells not ring before you decided to inflict him and his dysfunctional extended family on your poor children? Just move out already and put your own children first for a change.

Your standards for a partner must be non-existent. Where are your children in all this? They live in a circus, FGS. Your poor kids. Get out of there and give your children a stable home.

I voted yabu. Because yabu to be having a relationship with this using bastard.

He's taking you for an absolute mug.

I'd be fucking off at the earliest opportunity.

You're his maid with benefits.

I suggest going out each day.
You're an unpaid nanny

Yes, and you need a break too!

I'm a step mum but would never have a sibling at my house. Wouldn't feel comfortable with it to be honest. We've been asked to have my DSDs younger sibling at ours for entire weekends and school holidays for us to look after. Not a hope in hell of that happening. And it's because mum wants a break. Totally understandable! But I'm not looking after a child I have no relation to and we've never even met! I know your situation is a little different, but if it were me I wouldn't be happy if I were you

Honestly I’d have been off at 3 kids by 3 women. He’s basically telling you to put up and shut up. If you don’t want to live like this leave

Sounds like the Brady Bunch...

it’s not stepparent boundaries I’d be concerned about but your own personal boundaries.

id move out and see him as a Boyfriend. Though someone with children with 3 different mothers wouldn’t be my choice.

My partner has 3 children by 3 different mothers

Babysitting/childcare notwithstanding, that's the point at which I would have been looking round for the hills in order to run for them. It says something (a lot) about his character. I wonder how much of the previous relationships ending has been because every time he rolled the existing DC(s) over to them for them to play nanny?

OP,

Are you financially dependent on this man, and if so to what extent?

No need to answer us because I fear a number of people may jump on you if you are. I can understand that with 5 DC between the two of you, having an adult focussed on keeping the home ticking over smoothly might have seemed sensible (although I don’t think it is good for a single woman’s security).

If you are dependent, you have to weigh up the pros and cons and perhaps shift the situation slowly towards something more reasonable. ( It would be equally valid to decide to get the hell out, especially after that bullshit about their moms needing a break). Don’t feel badly if you want to stay, but don’t just vent. Maybe see a counsellor, alone, to start moving out of this inferior position.

If you are not financially dependent upon this gem of a man, I would just leave. I agree with PPs that he’s shown you what he thinks of you.

PS instead of ‘single womans security’ I should have said ‘unmarried woman’s security’ and I was thinking financially

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