To think there’s got to be a better way to do our life

[coralpig]

DH are pretty depressed and recovering from major trauma over a year ago. It’s affected us differently. We are also parenting twin toddlers who are extremely demanding but also bring us a lot of joy. Our current life set up is as follows us:
DH works in the NHS as a junior doctor. He used to like it but is showing all the signs of burn out. He says he’d quit in a heartbeat if it was affordable for us.

We send our twins to nursery 3 days a week. They love it but it costs a lot more than our mortgage.

I used to be a teacher, left at Christmas because of the stress and started working elsewhere. I hate my new job and I’m one of 7 people leaving soon. I’m trying to establish myself doing something else education related like tuition. It’s hard work and I’m exhausted. I feel trapped.

taking the twins out of childcare is not an option - it’s actually so exhausting looking after them solo and that’s what I end up doing a lot of the time due to my husbands work.

despite working part time I have piles and piles of laundry everywhere, I am constantly exhausted and my mental health is really suffering. I’m on the waiting list for therapy but we can’t afford private.

we have no local family support or close friends who can help with the twins. I am so envious of my friends that do.

our life just isn’t working. I know the children will not be this age for ever and it will get easier but I feel like I’ve missed a trick in how to not feel so miserable and burnt out all the time

Is it an option to move closer to family? Would they be able to offer a helping hand if you did? Most of my friends with kids who work and aren't completely and utterly burnt out have either their parents, or even grandparents, who live nearby who can just have them for a couple of hours whilst they get on with admin, or clean the house. It is exhausting being a parent, especially when it sounds like you do a lot of the parenting solo. Could finding a childminder be another option? It varies massively, but the one my friend uses is about half the price of nursery and is like having an aunty down the road!

Yanbu and it sounds like you all have so much on your plate.

All I could suggest is maybe take turns in focusing on work. If dh is the higher earner and on his way to a burn out, can he look at how to get into something else - in the meantime, you work doing literally anything that keeps the money coming in while he takes the step and gets established in something (mentally) better.

Then, when he is sorted, he can shoulder the financial burden as you step back and establish your own path (you mention tuition etc).

It will take longer and isn't a fix all, but if there's a way of releasing any pressure it's worth it - and I'd say avoiding burnout should be the main focus.

Is he in a training program?

Wouldn't part time locum work make sense.

He starts his training next week. He’s already put it off several years and entered the profession slightly later than others. I had no idea how much of a family commitment training was. His commute will be monumental in a few years time. I don’t know how we will cope

I’m estranged from my family and DH’s family are from same town. I’d worry about conflict if we moved though I wouldn’t rule it out.

cost of living is much higher there though so I don’t know if that’s a good option for us

As a qualified doctor he doesn’t have to stay in the NHS or direct healthcare. Dh had friends who left to go and work for drug companies and other businesses that wanted Doctors. He needs to look into other options that will give him a better lifestyle balance. The other option is emigrate to a Country where you could have a better balance. Dh did a locum in NZ, although I didn’t want to stay there forever, he was much better off in terms of, working conditions, pay and lower tax.

You are both young enough to change your lives and do something different.

Woah. Huge sympathy first of all, you’d situation sounds exhausting and relentless.

the way I see it you have 5 big challenges:

1. DHs job potential for burn out
2. your new job ain’t working for you
3. lack of support with the twins
4. financially feeling trapped
5. recovering from the traumatic year

looking at the above, number 5 is going to take time, lots of tlc and potentially therapy, but can’t happen whilst 1-4 is as it is.

Personally I’d sit with DH and pick apart the bare minimum of finances, knowing that health and sanity comes first. Just work out the absolute lowest income you can work with, so that both of you can work part-time at least for now. Cut back on all essentials to make this happen, run old cars, forget savings for now, take a mortgage holiday if you can, and give yourselves the time and space to heal and share childcare more equally before on to both of you gets ill. If it’s possible downsize to make sure you aren’t trapped into paying a huge mortgage or rent at the expense of your health and sanity. You can always go back to full time / a bigger house in the future.

Then I’d look at number 5. Speak to your local Childrens centre for families with multiple children, find support groups and toddler groups on the days you have the kids, and prioritise this asap to start building a network. You need this now and when they get older. When are the children 2.5? When get some free childcare? Your finances might ease up again at that point? The parenting puzzle course is great and free, if you can get a place on it. Take all the support you can from childrens centres. The local council might also have free playgroups or activity days from the children. is moving closer to family an option? Basically getting help with the twins is essential and you are going to need this for T least another 10 years so this is high priority.

Good luck. Your post is brave, and you are right to make changes.

I think the early years are absolutely gruelling, I didn't have twins, but 13 months between mine so I would say comparable. It WILL pass, a lot of your situation will improve as they get older, start nursery/school and become more independent. I can still remember how happy I was when the youngest started school - I felt like skipping out whilst other mothers were genuinely sad. Just do what you have to do for now, it's hard to work out a plan. Could your DH go sideways eg train as a GP for example? Regarding all the washing, is it too many clothes, can you stretch to wearing things for longer. I can remember how much easier things got just by deciding they were past needing clean PJ's every night and I could get 2/3 nights wear out of them before putting in the wash.

Can your husband apply for part time training, if you can afford to do so?

Could you return to teaching but as a substitute teacher? Then you wouldn't have the stress of all the politics & assessments?

Just sending you some solidarity. It is not easy to maintain two jobs and two kids, especially with other factors like trauma, job stress and multiples.

Some things that have helped me -

• Robot hoover


• Absolute minimisation of laundry - not washing unless properly dirty, fold straight from the line, no ironing, washing overnight using the timer function


• Minimisation of cooking - having snacks rather than meals when the kids are at childcare, batch cooking, using the slow cooker for stews with bread


• Everything dishwashable - shoving it all into the dishwasher and running it every night


• Get a cleaner if you can afford it


• Prioritise exercise, even in the evening when the kids are in bed and you don't feel like doing it


• Lowering standards, really no need to bath every night etc. Just being happy with getting by right now. Seeing that as an achievement!

Echoing pp suggesting a twin group at the local children's centre - there's one at our along with additional support. Contact your HV.

Can you afford someone to sort the laundry and do a bit of housework ?

Could you do supply teaching? Then if you're lucky you might get a couple of hours after work to come home and relax/clean the house before the kids finish nursery.

For extra pairs of hands you could check out local colleges for students doing childcare, they are always looking for placements.

Have you considered a move abroad ?

I've not got twins so forgive me if this is impractical, but is there anything you can do to make looking after them easier? Eg toddler proof an entire room instead of just a playpen? Garden space? The solution depends on what exactly is difficult... Is it toughest when you're at home or when you're out and about? Do they have behavioural issues or just typical toddlers?

The only other suggestion i have is to minimise the housework. Laundry is an issue... So do you wear clothes as long as you can (as in the day before they smell!)? Ditto bedsheets! Are you doing quick 30 washes for everything unless heavily soiled? No ironing except for work clothes? Maybe you're already on it with this.

It does sound very tough.

Could you do something radical like rent out your house and go to bali for a year? Once you're out there, cost of living is dirt cheap and you could live off of the rental income. Take a breather, have an adventure, and design new career paths?

Why do you hate your job?

Your DH is obviously extremely busy and I would encourage him to push through it and see if there’s anyway he can do PT or anything.
Or if he really hates it, think about a different career he’d like to work in.

I’m not sure if either of you actually hate your jobs or if you’re both so fed up with life - so you’re blaming the jobs.

Your twins are in nursery 3 x a week - is it possible to do cover teaching then, which is a decent wage and no planning or marking.

Really minimise your living too.
Don’t wash clothes after just one wear.
Batch cook meals so you’re having the same dinners twice a week.

You both sound like you’re depressed and I’d actually go and see the gp.

Its also important that if you both have a day off together then you do something even if it’s for a long walk or soft drink at a family pub.

How bad will his commute be? I'd move then, to be closer to his work.

There’s an organisation called home start and they have volunteers to help with families who are struggling.

It may be worth looking in their website or giving them a quick ring as you just need a bit of help until you get back on your feet.

A friend was in a similar position. Young twins, she was a teacher, her DH was not a dr but working long hours.

They moved to Dubai. Not my cup of tea in many ways but they were able to afford lots of help there. I don’t think they did any laundry cooking or cleaning the whole time! They moved on his job but she was popular with the local “british school” branches. Other friends have had a similar lifestyle in Singapore.

They have all moved back once their kids hit 5 or 7 but it got them through a tricky stage in relative comfort. They were also low tax so able to save money in that period for their return. Made friends easily as lots of ex pats there.

It’s a big step obviously, but may be worth considering as you both have
portable skills and your DC are young enough to move easily, doesn’t sound like you have huge ties here. Not as a permanent thing but just for the remaining small child years.

I also have twins (now older) and was a doctor in training. It gets so so much easier, but while things are tough now you need to go into crisis mode and do whatever you need to do to survive.

I echo getting support from HV, children centres etc. We both went temporarily part time and went into debt for a couple of years paying for extra support to get through a difficult time. We're now fine again. At the weekends and evening we took shifts to make sure we both had extra sleep (naps, lie ins) and time to exercise, read, meet friends or do whatever recharged us.

Medical placements differ a lot in terms of how hard and draining they are. I'd suggest not quitting after one bad one, but some people find them consistently draining and are now happier doing something else.

In a couple of years family life will be so much easier, so don't give up hope!

Could you get a cleaner or home help? Just a couple of hours a week could make a big difference to your workload without being extortionately expensive. Home start might be another option. Speaking to your health visitor might be able to help you to some local support, there might be a twins group locally.

Sometimes student counsellors offer counselling at a reduced rate. Might be worth looking into. Also speaking to mind they can offer groups and mentoring. If you're really struggling is it worth considering medication? There are also lots of self help strategies that can be effective, such as mindfulness and CBT work books, things like that.

Junior doctors have very hectic schedules, so in some ways your life will not be dissimilar to being a single parent. Which means you will have a lot to juggle. It is a big sacrifice as a young family. If this is something your husband is having second thoughts about and already feeling burn out it may be worth really considering whether this is a sacrifice worth making for him and for your family. I'm not saying it isn't, but the next few years will not be easy, emotionally or financially. It's going to be a lot of juggling to be sure

Do you have space for an au pair? They are not the same as a nanny or a maid service, but can offer some babysitting and a bit of help around the house. Might restore some life balance.

I second the suggestion of Homestart as a source of help for a bit. Hope you can find some ways forward that let you reach breathing space before you need to make too many "big" decisions.