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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH who is a compulsive liar can get help to stop?

32 replies

Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 11:06

Have name changed for this one and posting here for traffic (shamelessly).

DH is a really compulsive liar, he knows he’s doing it, says he needs to get help, even got help once (didn’t follow it through and only had a few counselling sessions) but still continues to tell white lies.

Am I silly to think that some sort of counselling/help will solve this or am I lying to myself that this will ever change.

he’s a good man in every other sense (I know some would say lying doesn’t make him a good man)

**to make it clear he has never lied about where he is/what he is doing/relationship stuff or anything like that, we are always together aside from work - it’s silly little white lies - such as work related things/food related(he struggles with weight) /helping out around the house/excuse making when he doesn’t do things…

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/08/2022 11:10

If he doesn't respect you enough to get help to stop doing it I'd be off. I couldn't be with someone i couldn't trust.

balalake · 01/08/2022 11:18

Does he vote Conservative? He'd be among friends there.

He is not a good man at all in my view. Perhaps he needs to be given a deadline to do things, or even just to get help.

Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 11:36

After the most recent occasion he’s said he needs to get help so I’m waiting on him to sort this - he’s working today but said he will arrange in his lunch break. So I’m hoping that by the end of the day today he will be able to tell me he’s got the wheels in motion to get help.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 11:40

But saying he’ll get help could be a lie too.
‘My DH lies about silly little things, so I call him out every time now.

Gymnopedie · 01/08/2022 11:58

After the most recent occasion he’s said he needs to get help so I’m waiting on him to sort this - he’s working today but said he will arrange in his lunch break. So I’m hoping that by the end of the day today he will be able to tell me he’s got the wheels in motion to get help.

Hmm. Don't get your hopes up too high OP:

to make it clear he has never lied about where he is/what he is doing/relationship stuff or anything like that, we are always together aside from work - it’s silly little white lies - such as work related things/food related(he struggles with weight) /helping out around the house/excuse making when he doesn’t do things…

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/08/2022 12:01

My XH was a compulsive liar. I think it came from having a very controlling DM, where lying to her was preferable to actually dealing with her as a child/young adult. He never actually got help with it, and he had many other issues, was abusive, yada yada. If he wants to get help, he will. This may affect what you do going forward. I hope it works out.

Notimeforaname · 01/08/2022 12:03

It sounds like he doesn't really want to get help. He could be just saying that to shut you up and buy more time.

so I’m waiting on him to sort this
How long have you been waiting for him to sort this? Since you got together?

GoldenOmber · 01/08/2022 12:13

He probably could change it, if he really wanted to and was prepared to do a lot of work on it. But that’s a very very big ‘if’.

My experience with compulsive liars (including one ex who I also thought only told little white lies and wouldn’t have lied about big things… nope!) is that it becomes their default reaction. You ask a question, they don’t think “what is the accurate answer to this question?”, they think “what words do I need to say here to get the reaction I want?” And those words can include “yes of course I’ll get help”, or “yes I know this is a big problem”, if that’s what he knows you want to hear. He went for a few counselling sessions before - that’s probably just enough for the counsellor to push him beyond the easier stuff (ie, saying whatever it is he thinks the counsellor wants to hear) and get into what he needs to do to actually change… and then he stopped going.

He might change. People can change. But it’s on him to prove to you that he wants to and will.

Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:16

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants his parents were very strict, he lied as a child to avoid punishment from them so I can see where it’s stemmed from, not that I’m excusing this behaviour now that he is an adult of course. Just I understand there is a reason behind it.

@Notimeforaname since yesterday when it all blew up due to a lie he’s told recently - so to be fair to him, I’ve only asked him to sort it last night. Though he has had some sessions previously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:21

@GoldenOmber I agree, it seems a very big ‘if’ we’ve had the conversation about him ‘changing’ a few times, he promises he will, never does.

the latest lie has been the icing on the cake as it impacts on another area of our lives (I won’t post here as too personal/outing) but it’s the final straw for me and has me questioning everything.

To be fair to him due to other commitments at the time of counselling (a new baby/work) it wasn’t made easy to attend the sessions as they were awkward timings, although I’m not completely excusing him my gut tells me to let him at least try to work on it, though I know this isn’t the sort of thing that can be ‘fixed’ over a few sessions.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 01/08/2022 12:22

I have no idea why you feel the need to make excuses for him. He sounds awful and not at all a 'good man'.

He won't stop, he will just grind you down more and more. I really hope you don't have children with him. Not only an appalling role model, but really embarrassing for them too.

Vegansausageroll · 01/08/2022 12:27

Like you say, it sounds like he is lying due to a sense of shame and the pattern of lying to avoid punishment.
White lies that only impact upon himself are something I would overlook if he’s a good and decent man in every other sense.
If you mean like ‘what did you have for lunch?’ And he says the salad when really it was burger and chips that kind of thing? I wouldn’t day that’s a huge deal, although of course annoying and a poor example to any children.
If it is bigger things and it’s impacting your lives then he needs to get help to stop and I would imagine that involves improving his self esteem.

10HailMarys · 01/08/2022 12:28

it’s silly little white lies - such as work related things/food related(he struggles with weight) /helping out around the house/excuse making when he doesn’t do things…

Unless he's lying to manipulate/control people, it sounds like he lies to get himself out of trouble or deflect valid criticism or to cover up mistakes that have embarrassed him or that he feels guilty about or that he knows will disappoint others.

Is he maybe very insecure or scared of conflict? The food thing, for instance, makes me wonder if he lies because he's ashamed that he's made a mistake - I definitely used to have a tendency to lie about stuff like why I hadn't done certain things, purely because I was just massively ashamed of myself for not having done it due to being disorganised, forgetful, scared or whatever.

To me, a compulsive liar is someone who lies for no real reason other than to get attention - I dated a man who did this, and it was very unlike what it sounds like your husband is doing. His lies were more stuff like claiming he had once rescued a woman from a burning building and stitched up a wound in his own leg while on a survival course for work.

Notimeforaname · 01/08/2022 12:29

I agree with Calisto you do seem to be making a lot of excuses for him.

He's not a good partner as you cannot trust what he says.
It should be urgent, at the top of his list, working on it every single day, especially now there is a baby.

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 12:33

If, in 5/10/20 years time he is still lying, would you be happy you stayed or would you think it was a waste of life ?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2022 12:33

You are absolutely lying to yourself. People like your husband don't change. They are hardwired this way, and if they lie about "small" things, they will 100% lie about big things.

You can't trust this man, how can you be married to him?

Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:34

@Vegansausageroll that is what I think it all stems down to, obviously having met his parents and having to deal with them myself, I can understand it.

What you have said re what he had for lunch is an exact example of the type of lie, yes it really doesn’t effect me much, it obviously makes me a bit upset because I would rather he eats healthy and tries to look after himself but in the grand scheme of things it has no real impact on my life.

It does irritate me though as feel a grown man should be able to tell the truth about things like that.

However the most recent lie has potential to impact my life - it hasn’t yet, thankfully but it was a stupid thing to lie about and could still potentially be an issue. This is what I can not accept and up until recently it seemed things had calmed down with the lies but then this comes and hits me and surprises me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:36

10HailMarys · 01/08/2022 12:28

it’s silly little white lies - such as work related things/food related(he struggles with weight) /helping out around the house/excuse making when he doesn’t do things…

Unless he's lying to manipulate/control people, it sounds like he lies to get himself out of trouble or deflect valid criticism or to cover up mistakes that have embarrassed him or that he feels guilty about or that he knows will disappoint others.

Is he maybe very insecure or scared of conflict? The food thing, for instance, makes me wonder if he lies because he's ashamed that he's made a mistake - I definitely used to have a tendency to lie about stuff like why I hadn't done certain things, purely because I was just massively ashamed of myself for not having done it due to being disorganised, forgetful, scared or whatever.

To me, a compulsive liar is someone who lies for no real reason other than to get attention - I dated a man who did this, and it was very unlike what it sounds like your husband is doing. His lies were more stuff like claiming he had once rescued a woman from a burning building and stitched up a wound in his own leg while on a survival course for work.

@10HailMarys this, it describes perfectly how I feel he is lying, it’s shame/embarrassment/afraid of the consequences of not doing something.

This is why I feel like I should give him an opportunity to work on it properly before giving up on the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:39

Notimeforaname · 01/08/2022 12:29

I agree with Calisto you do seem to be making a lot of excuses for him.

He's not a good partner as you cannot trust what he says.
It should be urgent, at the top of his list, working on it every single day, especially now there is a baby.

@Notimeforaname i agree with what you’re saying in some respects. Yes maybe I am making excuses for him - I am trying to be fair and take his past/insecurities around weight/food into account too - as most of the lies seem to stem around food.

I obviously do not want my child to be around someone who feels it is acceptable to tell lies, jo matter how small they may be.

OP posts:
Terriblethirtytwos · 01/08/2022 12:39

You’ve said that he lies about trivial things, sort of to ‘protect himself from being in trouble’ and not anything to do with fidelity or more significant issues - on the basis of this, I think it sounds like the lying is a coping mechanism he developed in childhood to ‘survive’ within the context he was growing up in. It sounds like he experienced rejection and shaming from his DPs when he transgressed as a child - huge emotional ‘threats’ to any child which will have made him feel insecure and unworthy. Understandably, as a young child the way he learnt to protect himself from this was to lie: if he could convince them he hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ he could continue to be acceptable and lovable in their eyes. Now, when he is in a situation where he detects a ‘threat’ to how he is perceived by you and to his attachment with you, he resorts to the survival strategy he learnt when he was young. It’s not likely to be deliberate but instinctive in a moment of panic. Survival strategies like this make sense in adverse situations when children are small, but often become very unhelpful as that same child grows up and has to navigate adult relationships. They are also very hard to unlearn as it links so much with how someone has learnt to ‘be okay’ in significant relationships.

Have you looked much into attachment theory? Does an insecure anxious attachment style sound like him? When he lies, how do you react? If he admits he lied, how do you deal with that as a couple? The tricky thing is, it’s absolutely unacceptable to lie repeatedly in relationships, but if you respond by being angry and hurt and rejecting of him (all totally valid!) you are inadvertently entrenching the strategy even further. At the same time, you shouldn’t have to be in a relationship with someone who lies and whom you can’t trust.

It sounds like he does need therapy and also it would probably be helpful for you to attend some sessions to help you both work out a way to support him to deal with anxiety more effectively.

Hopeandlove · 01/08/2022 12:39

But it’s not a white lie is it IF it had a huge impact on you or your child.

I couldn’t deal with this.
my ex lied and lied and then went to great lengths to avoid lying by avoiding the question all
together. He’s totally messed up.

Original poster
Housebytheseanc · 01/08/2022 12:40

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2022 12:33

You are absolutely lying to yourself. People like your husband don't change. They are hardwired this way, and if they lie about "small" things, they will 100% lie about big things.

You can't trust this man, how can you be married to him?

This is exactly what concerns me, I’m not sure he will ever change.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2022 12:44

I'm sorry but no. I went out with someone who told lies for several years, he never made any attempt to stop.
My 2nd husband also lied about debt and money for 18 years despite talking, counselling, budget discussions. It never stopped.
We had to get divorced, it's taken me 5 years to sort out the mess and finally be back on the straight and narrow.
He has moved in with someone else and has a mountain of debt again.
Don't waste your time on men like these. Once a liar always a liar.

PlantChef · 01/08/2022 12:46

You say most of his lies are about food. Is he overweight or obese and you want him to lose weight for his health and he’s not onboard with it?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2022 12:46

Also unfortunately it turned out as I discovered during the divorce process it wasn't just white lies it was whopping great lies too. I was horrified. I never knew how deep it went.