To think that DH who is a compulsive liar can get help to stop?

[Housebytheseanc]

Have name changed for this one and posting here for traffic (shamelessly).

DH is a really compulsive liar, he knows he’s doing it, says he needs to get help, even got help once (didn’t follow it through and only had a few counselling sessions) but still continues to tell white lies.

Am I silly to think that some sort of counselling/help will solve this or am I lying to myself that this will ever change.

he’s a good man in every other sense (I know some would say lying doesn’t make him a good man)

**to make it clear he has never lied about where he is/what he is doing/relationship stuff or anything like that, we are always together aside from work - it’s silly little white lies - such as work related things/food related(he struggles with weight) /helping out around the house/excuse making when he doesn’t do things…

his, it describes perfectly how I feel he is lying, it’s shame/embarrassment/afraid of the consequences of not doing something.
This is why I feel like I should give him an opportunity to work on it properly before giving up on the relationship.

@Housebytheseanc : Have you told him that you think this is what might be at the root of his lying? Because if he had therapy before that focused on him as 'a compulsive liar' and then maybe it was the wrong type of therapy. Maybe what he really needs is the right therapist or counsellor who can focus on how he feels about himself.

Also - and I am not usually one to suggest this kind of thing - it might be worth him looking into the possibility of having ADHD. If he is someone with poor impulse control, and who forgets to do stuff, or does stuff and immediately regrets it, or is ultra disorganised generally - and he is ashamed of that and he can't understand he why can't get his shit together and is trying to cover that up - that does sound quite like ADHD tendencies in an adult.

I don't have ADHD but I do have dyspraxia and that didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult, and suddenly a lot of things I'd previously through were just me being crap started to make sense and after that I was much less inclined to make up lies to excuse my mistakes.

I think that yes, people can change but they need to be given an opportunity to do so!

I went through a really weird phase a long time ago where I'd almost unconsciously exaggerate stories. So if I witnessed an accident, the re-telling of the story would involve the car being written off, debris across the motorway etc. I honestly didn't consciously realise I was doing it until a friend called me out on it. It suddenly hit me that I was elaborating because I enjoyed the dramatic reaction I got from people. Once I was called out on it and realised people could see through it, I addressed it and it's no longer an issue. In fact I have a family member who does it and if I catch her, I always say 'it didn't happen quite like that...'

The other day I actually caught myself embellishing a story and I stopped and said to the person, 'actually, I'm exaggerating here. Let me start that again'.

So yes, people can change but they have to WANT to. That desire to change often only comes when a person sees how harmful and hurtful their behaviour is. Right now, his lies are probably too minor to really harm his life but it seems like the latest one does. He needs to know just how serious this is. This could be marriage-ending stuff. Does he know that?

@10HailMarys we spoke about it when he started counselling previously, he admits that it is due to the way he was punished (quite severely, not physically but lots of restrictions on things for small issues) and so he can understand himself where it stems from.

funny that you mention ADHD, he was never diagnosed with it but I suspect/so does he that he has ADHD (a close family member of his also does) he also has dyslexia which I think can go together?!

he is very disorganised and I am the polar opposite so suspect that (as I do get frustrated when things aren’t done) he is lying in a sense because he knows I will be annoyed frustrated.

we have been looking to get the adhd diagnosed but not sure how we go about this, I guess this is something worth looking into.

I was coming on to say that my ex was a compulsive liar but generally about the most ridiculously insignificant things. He was however a decent human being. However he was an only child with a very critical mother who would take offence at the slightest thing and totally over react to the most minor of perceived transgressions. Full on screaming banshee sessions. I realised he just said the first thing in his head when asked a question to avoid any sort of confrontation (although there wouldn't really be one with me). She was full on ranting and raving and even as an adult they're scary and unsettling.

I'm not condoning the lying but it's unfortunately learned childhood behaviour. They were never convoluted thought out lies just said on the spur of the moment to prevent what he thought would cause unnecessary drama.

@TheLoftHatch i have said today that this is something I won’t tolerate and that if he does not seek some help then I won’t be sticking around.

He does have some health issues and as discussed above, there may be some possibility of other things at play (ADHD) but obviously he is an adult and should be able to control (to some extent) the lies.

In light of the fact that there are possibly other issues such as adhd I do want to give him a chance to try to work on the lies as I do thibk some part of him is able to control the lying to an extent.

@VirginiaQ these are the sorts of lies that I mean. It’s so difficult though as to me they are still lies - yes not big lies but seems to be that he will lie to give what he feels is the ‘right/most pleasing’ answer.

the current lie - although could have a bigger effect was told because he was worried about the consequences of something.

tbh writing this I feel like I’m describing a child, not a fully grown man!

@Shehasadiamondinthesky this is my fear, that if we don’t resolve the issue of the ‘white lies’ it will end up getting worse and worse.