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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I should just leave it, shouldn't I?

35 replies

WorkshyHorsefly · 01/08/2022 07:40

Getting married later this year.

I sent out the invites a few months back, and never heard from one friend. She was very busy, finishing a degree, so I didn't chase it up with her until recently, and when I asked about it she said she never received the invitation. Fair enough.

I double checked I had the address right, and sent it again. She's not mentioned receiving it, but before I could ask if all was well, I noticed she was in the area (we live about an hour away from each other) due to a Facebook post, so I quickly messaged her to ask if we could meet for a drink before she went back home.

She replied a half hour before her train was due, I said I was sorry we missed each other, and that was that.

She doesn't want to come to the wedding, does she? I could ask her outright, but I think it's clear she doesn't want to address it head on with me, so is avoiding. I actually find that more hurtful than an honest, even blunt, answer. She could have simply ticked no on the response (pre stamped) and popped it in the letter box. But instead I'm being ignored. I feel a bit deflated and confused about it.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 01/08/2022 07:42

Yes. You should definitely just leave it. Sorry OP

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 07:44

I’d ask one more time because you don’t want her just turning up on the day.
You’ve sent another invite, so it’s worth asking. Then I’d never contact her again.

Itsthelookitsthelook · 01/08/2022 07:44

I'd have to ask her directly - send a message saying Hi friend, please can you let me know if you'll be attending our wedding on Date as we're finalising numbers for the venue, thank you. If no reply to that I would then assume she's not coming.

SpiderVersed · 01/08/2022 07:44

Leave it. No good will come from picking that scab, so leave it be.

ihatethecold · 01/08/2022 07:45

She’s is definitely avoiding being open with you.
she could have just asked for the date and said on text if she was free.

Original poster
WorkshyHorsefly · 01/08/2022 07:45

I just don't understand why she isn't simply saying no, it's not like she would be interrogated after. She even led me to believe she would be coming when we last chatted about it. Sigh. It looks like that's the end of that friendship.

OP posts:
BerthaBetty · 01/08/2022 07:48

I don't know why people find it so hard to excuse themselves politely from events they don't want to attend.

Leave it.

NoseyNellie · 01/08/2022 07:51

Pick up the phone and speak to her in person.

Original poster
WorkshyHorsefly · 01/08/2022 07:53

NoseyNellie · 01/08/2022 07:51

Pick up the phone and speak to her in person.

I feel like that would be quite confrontational, when she's clearly avoiding seeing or speaking to me.

If she doesn't want to attend, why should I keep pushing? What purpose would it serve? Questions I'm asking myself rather than you, btw.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 07:55

Itsthelookitsthelook · 01/08/2022 07:44

I'd have to ask her directly - send a message saying Hi friend, please can you let me know if you'll be attending our wedding on Date as we're finalising numbers for the venue, thank you. If no reply to that I would then assume she's not coming.

I’d do this but put a date she needs to reply by and if you don’t hear from her by this date you’ll assume it’s a no.

ChocoButterfly · 01/08/2022 07:57

Asking her if she's coming isn't pushing her to come its pushing her to answer.

WombaMaPonga · 01/08/2022 08:01

Bloody rude of her either way
You're going to have to be direct & hope she says no. . I wouldn't want her to come now anyway if she can't be bothered to reply

Staynow · 01/08/2022 08:03

I'd message 'Hi friend, hopefully you got the invite I sent out on Tuesday, if you could let me know by x date if you are able to make it that would be great as we are finalising numbers then. Thanks X . It's horrible when people don't just let you know one way or the other.

ApronLady89 · 01/08/2022 08:03

If she lead you to believe she's coming, why don't you think she's coming? Maybe she assumes you know she's coming.

People are notoriously bad at RSVP'ing - especially if it requires a postbox.

Just ask her.

Pottedpalm · 01/08/2022 08:06

Hi, did you receive the second invite I sent? We need to finalise numbers tomorrow so could you please let me know by text whether you will be attending.

NoseyNellie · 01/08/2022 08:07

WorkshyHorsefly · 01/08/2022 07:53

I feel like that would be quite confrontational, when she's clearly avoiding seeing or speaking to me.

If she doesn't want to attend, why should I keep pushing? What purpose would it serve? Questions I'm asking myself rather than you, btw.

Show quote history

I just think it’s still within the realms of misunderstanding - I don’t think the Facebook/being round the corner thing signifies anything. She was presumably there doing something pre planned and may not have had time to see you - and yes, she could have messaged you earlier to say that but perhaps she was seeing how her day panned out to work out if she had time or not (it’s always awkward to message and say ‘oh hi, I might have time but I’ll get back to you’ as it leaves the other person hanging)

If she’s just finished studying she might be worried about the cost of attending if it involves travel, accommodation, new clothes, a gift, etc.

Yes, she might not want to come but there are also reasons she might not have replied yet and it just seems to me that you could have a conversation about it and find out rather than guessing or taking the word of some random people on the Internet. Is it confrontational? Perhaps, but if she’s a friend then I would hope you could have an honest conversation?!

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 01/08/2022 08:09

What’s the rsvp date? Leave it until then, you can just send a “doing final check on numbers” type of message?

LIZS · 01/08/2022 08:10

Ask her direct? Along the lines "just wanted to make sure you had the invitation as not heard back and didn't want you to feel we'd left you out" ...

lovesicksucker · 01/08/2022 08:11

Definitely ask her. A casual text like others have suggested. Then you will have your answer instead of speculating.

I don't understand why she lied about receiving the first invite. Surely a better lie would be to say she couldn't make it as on holiday/working etc?

It really bugs me when people behave this way; causing confusion or hurt when they could just be upfront (or tell a white lie that settles it).

MRex · 01/08/2022 08:16

You haven't said when you posted it, nor do you know if she received it. She was probably busy while in the area, so that isn't related. Just send the info via messenger and ask her to confirm yes/no by end of day if you need an answer quickly.

Samarie123 · 01/08/2022 08:25

I would just leave it. You have tried to speak with her and getting ignored. Just enjoy your day without her.

SalmonEile · 01/08/2022 08:28

How far away is the wedding?
when you messaged about the lost invitation did you give her the details then?
If she already has the details she might not have felt the need to say “oh yeah I got your invitation I’ll definitely be there”

Ponoka7 · 01/08/2022 08:35

I don't understand the reluctance to ask her outright. She's very busy and In-between addresses. Just message her saying that you need final numbers.

kerosene20 · 01/08/2022 08:37

We had this. Despite many chasers. They called my DH (after the wedding ceremony!!) while we were having the drinks reception to check where it was. He had to tell them sorry there’s no food etc for you as you never replied! Mortifying.

kerosene20 · 01/08/2022 08:38

also to be clear we said ok if we don’t hear from you by X date we’ll assume you can’t make it…I would send something like this to give her an out.