To worry about the cost of breaking up

[Grapeflavour]

I'm considering breaking up with my partner of 5 years. We've had a good time, but I don't think we don't want the same things from life/the future.

I'm 35 and don't think I'll bother dating again now, and I'm happy with that. But I'm worried about being able to afford living alone - just looking at rent and utilities estimates for this coming winter is depressing. I don't know how I can afford it, despite recently getting a new job with a pay rise.

Seems like you have to be in a relationship to afford to live? I can't bear going into a houseshare again and think my only option is totally relocating hundreds of miles away to somewhere where I don't know anyone purely so I can find cheaper housing. And to be honest, it's not even that much cheaper, so not sure it would even be worth the isolation and upheaval. Aibu? Any advice?

You shouldn’t stay with a man just to use him for a living situation, especially when your not even a family with children or his wife. He deserves better than that and you need to have more self respect.

Well this is really easy to say from the comfort of a phone screen or whatever, but the OP makes a valid point which is from her lived experience.

if she’s to live her truth as you encourage her to, how is she supposed to practically achieve that?

Yes she could live in a flat share, move hundreds of miles away, but I think the OP has highlighted something very valid, which is that our society is predicated on two people earning to afford something decent, or one person earning well above national average. or a single person with a big inheritance getting on the ladder very early and then remortgaging over the years to a point where that major cost isn’t major anymore.

Yes, you are making a valid point, op. Generally, it takes two incomes.

Could you compromise by sharing with a friend or in a flat share with just one other person?

@SavoirFlair One person on average or below average wage can afford something. It may not be what you consider “decent” but that’s besides the point, it’s liveable. That’s how it works - you get what you can afford to pay for. OP already has the practical solutions herself - move somewhere else to afford housing or move into a flat share. There is nothing unusual or wrong with that. When has it ever been the case that you will just be able to find accommodation in the same area of the same quality regardless of how much money you pay? How does that even remotely make sense as an expectation? Many people rent rooms or similar if that is what they can afford - it isn’t some horrible existence of poverty and degradation, it’s normal life.

And the whole reason society is set up so two people earn to afford housing is because of the entry of women into higher paid work and the idea they wouldn’t just end up housewives. And this is the exact situation OP has herself / she doesn’t want to stay with this guy (in the past she probably would have married him already) and wants to work. So yes society does need to be set up that way, the alternative is giving tax breaks and favouritism to men like OP’s boyfriend so they can afford to house their wives on one salary - something which would make it even harder for OP to find affordable housing on her own.

Yes some women may improvise their situation by living with a wealthier man but if not out of love you would hope their was at the least some appreciation of what they were doing or a love for the family situation it allowed - not just “I want to break up with my boyfriend but I don’t want to move somewhere worse but still not that bad”.

My advice is that OP needs to suck it up and do what she doesn’t want to do - move somewhere else to find affordable accomodation, just like other people do. There isn’t some magical other option here.

@SavoirFlair hasn’t society always favoured people in couples? As you say, only people with independent means have historically been able to afford living a single life in ease, and that especially applies to women who tend to earn lower incomes vs men, or who were often living in reduced circumstances, much pitied, a burden on their families, and stuck as companions or family helps if they were unable to marry.

OP, I think you need to leave your partner. And I think you need to buckle up and consider a house share again, or move back in with family if they live locally. A house share can be a more mature thing now you are in your 30s, it doesn’t need to be a nightmare.

Relocating seems drastic and potentially very isolating unless you are good at going out and making new friends - is that idea occurring to you because you feel restless now that your relationship has failed? If you are NT and unless you have had a series of dreadful experiences, I would say forswearing all relationships at the young age of 35 is probably a bit excessive. Get yourself out there looking for someone nice to join in a house share, give yourself time to heal from the disappointment of a failed relationship, then consider your options.

@SammySammySammytheBetterfly Just to clarify, I'm not thinking of staying with him for financial reasons. Like any relationship breakdown, it's not straightforward - I'm just looking into logistics, and this is the reality. I can definitely see why a lot of people may be staying with partners they're not happy with right now, which is a scandal. That's more my point. Feels like we haven't progressed far from Victorian times.

You're very young not to bother with dating though? Do you have or want kids?

Do you get on with your partner and could you love together as flatmates for a while?

Also to note, I don't have any family I can live with or stay with unfortunately. Just a younger brother who is in a flatshare himself.

Feels like we haven't progressed far from Victorian times.

Your options would have been severely limited in Victorian time: become a governess or marry, maybe the workhouse. I think that we can safely say we’ve progressed if the issue is just that you don’t want to live in a flat share.

@Vikinga
I can't be bothered with it, I've never had much interest from men anyway, and the dating scene/dating apps sound brutal now. I'm happy to get on with my life and enjoy it single.

I've decided not to have children. Very strong history of severe postnatal mental health problems in my maternal family, plus not keen on bringing kids into our current world. And at 35 it's getting a bit late in the day - I can't see myself meeting someone else and feeling ready to have kids with them within the next 2-3 years.

@Grapeflavour

There is no scandal in people who could move somewhere else but don’t want to because it’s not as nice as staying in a better house with their partners not moving out. By your own admission you have options to move elsewhere you just don’t like those places as much.

Thinking that downgrading to the accomodation you can afford on your own without a man paying for half (?) of you accomodation after having dumped that man is some kind of scandal or societal wrong is absurd entitlement.

I mean what do you think should happen? The government should just give you the same amount of money as her payed into your accommodation so you can move somewhere similar on your own?

Of course you have to move somewhere worse, what else could possibly happen? What else would you expect?

Could you take on a second job in the evening to increase your income ? Keep you busy too.

@SammySammySammytheBetterfly What I think is that housing should be affordable for everyone. Not just those fortunate enough to be in a happy, old fashioned relationship.

Are you in London op? You wouldn't have to move 100s of miles to find an affordable one bed flat, although it would have to be some distance away.

If you want to put up some details - area, budget, maybe we could suggest some places to look at?

Sadly, housing is very affordable for families on a lower income and the impending fuel and interest rises are about to make it even more so.

Isn't very...

I'm a midwife so already have a morning, day and evening job😂

OP has illustrated quite clearly why women choose to stay in bad relationships rather than leave. Often on MN women are castigated for staying rather than leaving but the reality is that sometimes it's better the devil you know.

OP you're absolutely right. As a midwife you work your socks off and it's scandalous that the status quo is that people like you can't afford to live comfortably. Thanks for your service in the NHS and good luck!

As a single person living on probably a similar salary as OP I can confirm that it is shit. I actually have 3 jobs but couldn't if I did shift work. Can you do bank shifts OP?

Maybe move in with your brother? He leaves his flat share and you get somewhere together?

Thanks @Minimalme. I'm currently in South London/Surrey. I'm a midwife and really love the hospital I work at, I'd be gutted to be forced to leave, but no chance of being able to afford anywhere to live remotely nearby on my own. I find houseshares really hard because I work shifts and housemates often forget I'm sleeping at weird hours, or find me socially disappointing because I need to go to bed at 7pm on a Friday night rather than go to the pub! Or they get disturbed when I'm coming home/leaving the house at unsociable times. I work long, often intense hours and really, really need my sleep.

It isn't that hard, honestly.

Your housing might take a step down in terms of quality but the freedom and being able to relax, not walk on eggshells, the increase in general happiness are easily worth it.

When I left mine (with a DS age 2), I went from a 4 bed house to a very scruffy one bed flat, from a leafy suburb to a distinctly downmarket area, and it was fab. Just the relief !

There is so much that people buy, that you just don't need. And after a while you get back on your feet anyway.