For taking away my son's game

[LuvEri]

My DS (12) is really into gaming and as he has entered secondary school he has fortunately met friends with the same interests. However, his friends have all been into the game GTA making DS want it too. If you don’t already know GTA is a pegi rated 18 game as it contains drugs, violence and profanity. Also, my nephews have told me it has nudity and strip clubs! Obviously, I do not want my 12 year old to be subjected to this. I have made it clear to DS that I will not be buying him the game as he is too young but he does not like my decision.

I have mentioned this to DH in case DS tries and bribes him to buy him the game as he has a history of running to dad when mom won’t give him what he wants. I explained why I don’t think the game is appropriate for DS just to make him extra aware. DH told me he wouldn’t buy the game if DS asked him.

Despite this, I recently walked in on DS playing GTA!

I was absolutely livid!!!!

I immediately asked DS why he was playing the game and he looked at me panicked and didn’t answer. I then asked him where he got the game and he told me DH brought it for him as a gift. After I asked him why he accepted the gift when I explained he wasn’t allowed the game and he told me he thought he was allowed as DH brought it for him.

I told him thanks for being honest but then explained that I would be confiscating the game as the game was not appropriate for him. Cue the whining and pleads not to from DS and attempts at reasoning on why he should be allowed it. I kept my foot down and asked him for the disc and eventually DS gave it to me.

Later on I brought it up to DH and asked him what he was thinking of purchasing the game for DS when he said he wouldn’t. DH told me DS deserved it as he got really good grades on his end of year tests and he really wanted the game so he thought he worked hard for it. I once again explained the reasons why I thought the game wasn't appropriate for DS and DH dismissed me saying it’s just pixels and won’t do any real harm to DS. He then changed the conversation topic as if there wasn’t an issue.

However, after a while DH angrily confronted me on why I confiscated the game from DS. I explained my reasoning once again but DH told me he bought the game for DS with his own money and he has authority over him as he’s his child too. I asked him if he thought the game was a good influence on DS and he explained how it wasn’t real. He then demanded me for the game back and I refused as I really did not want DS to be exposed to it.

I’ve hidden the game as I don’t want DS to play it but I’d happily let him play it in the future when he is older and more mature.

Now I’m wondering AIBU for taking away the game as DH did buy it for DS with his own money but I honestly don’t want my DS to be exposed to all the bad things it contains.

Your husband told you he wouldn’t buy the game, and then went and bought it? An 18 rated game for a 12 year old? And now he is angry with you? That’s awful.

No yanbu. It’s 18 for a reason.

YANBU. A 12 year old absolutely shouldn’t be playing GTA. There is no justification for it, would your DH sit DS down to watch anime porn because it’s “just pixels”?!

You made a sensible parenting decision and your DH undermined you. Does this happen a lot or is it just this one thing?

I think many parents think “it’s a game, it’s for kids”, without looking into it. The adult themes in GTA make it significantly worse than a standard shooter, maybe see if he will watch some footage of the game on YouTube, hopefully he’ll get the point.

Me and my brother both played the old GTAs from a very young age, about 8 or 9. We were never interested in the quests so didn't really see any sexually inappropriate stuff or anything about drugs, but we spent the time stealing cars and just killing people, then doing a big police chase, car stunts etc.

If it were "just" a shooter I don't think it would be too bad as it's not scary or gory, but the bad language and the drugs and the sex workers etc just make it that much worse. I wouldn't let mine play it at that age now, although I wouldn't necessarily make them wait until 18 either, the same with films.

I'm not sure what to do in your situation though, when DH is being so irresponsible and contradictory. Stick to your guns, but be prepared for him to be a huge sulker and passive aggressive. I suppose you could throw in child safeguarding/protection concerns

Same thing happened to my brother twenty years ago, funnily enough.

The thing you must realize is that games do get obsolete, so if your idea is to give your DS the game back a few years from now, forget it - in a few years he'll have moved on to other games and none of his friends will be interested in it (that last part is probably a big part of the appeal of the game for him). So either give it to him or don't, but don't tell yourself you're "withholding it temporarily" because that's really not what will happen.

I have watched let's plays of some of the GTA games and they don't seem that hardcore to me, although admittedly I haven't seen the most recent ones. But most games will have éléments of violence, as will most movies and books. Actually I was listening to some fairytales withy DS and thought they're really full of misogyny and horrible clichés, but I wouldn't deny my DS his bedtime stories.

If the scantily clad women are what bothers you, well. I mean. Your son is twelve, he's probably typed "boobs" on a google search engine before. And the concept of sex workers is probably not foreign to him. So I'm not sure if his character venturing in the game's version of a strip club is that much worse than the dancing twi'lek in Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi.

I feel bad for your DS in any case, being told one thing and then the other must be confusing for him. And given your DH had agreed not to buy the game he should have at least discussed it with you before buying it. I think that's the real issue here, and the game being appropriate or not is a red herring.

Maybe look for a compromise ? Is there another game your DS wants that you could get him ? Would you consider allowing him to play it under supervision ?

I've hidden the game as I don’t want DS to play it but I’d happily let him play it in the future when he is older and more mature.

But as a PP said, games become obsolete surprisingly quickly - you're kidding yourself if you think he'll want it back in several years time.

In a year or two, there'll be other games and he won't have any interest whatsoever in that particular version of GTA anymore.

Either ban it or don't, but don't go down the road of saying "you can play it when you're older" as it's just a meaningless platitude on your part.

I think YAB slightly U by not letting him have it but the real issue here is that you and DH need to get on the same page so DS isn't caught in the middle

It sounds like your husband doesn’t have any respect for you as he undermined you like this and didn’t even tell you that he’d done it

I feel sorry for your son as well, he definitely got mixed messages here- does that happen a lot?

I don't blame you for taking it away, it's your DH who has muddied the waters here and therefore caused the problem. You and he need to get on the same page and reliably and consistently support each other because this won't be the last time something like this comes up.

If you have a look at Common Sense media most people, parents AND children say the online mode is probably suitable for 13+ year olds, which is what he would be playing with his friends. The story mode is a little bit different, and that's where the nudity etc comes into it.

There isn't anything there that he wouldn't be exposed to via other means.

Have any of the people that are saying to let him play it actually played the game?

You've done the right thing OP, I think I'm quite a relaxed parent but there's no way my 12yo would be playing GTA. Especially the most recent.

I don't like my dc playing that game either. Not so worried about my 14 year old playing it, but my 10 year old ds plays it at his dad's as well. He's immature for his age, as he has developmental delays and learning difficulties. I think that there's plenty of other nice, fun games he could be playing. Like Sonic and Mario or whatever.

@blubberball yes there are other games he could be playing, but not sonic or mario. The child's 12 not 5. 🙈 Hed at least want a game he can play with his mates online.

I think you were harsh banning it in the first place.
However you made a decision and your DH agreed but then totally ignored what he'd agreed to and got the game anyway. I'd be really pissed off if it was my DH. I'd be a bit annoyed at my son too for asking when you'd said no.
To me this isn't about a game it's about your husband. You need to talk to him. The two of you need to agree on rules. Your son must get totally confused if you say no but dad says yes

DS went on about GTA and eventually I let him download the online version so that he could play with his friends, he almost 14. They just wanted to drive around in different vehicles.

After a few weeks it wasn’t played, the appeal to play it had diminished and only rarely do they play it now.

Yabu when yoyr dh paid for the game to hide it from him, if not your son. Who made you final decision maker?
This needs to be discussed, I'd suggest swapping it for a different game, I think at that age I let ds have call.of duty ghosts which was 16 ams that satisfied him and now at almost 16 he's not mentioned GTA.

Can't believe the posts on here saying it's OK for a 12 year old to play GTA. Agreed the issue is really with your husband but it's depressing how many parents allow their young children to access games like this.

You and he need to get on the same page and reliably and consistently support each other because this won't be the last time something like this comes up

I don't get why people keep saying this, the fact was that the dh said he wouldn't do it and then went and betrayed her and undermined her, the trust is gone. I'd be furious over this and how can you even begin to get on the same page as somebody when they do this?

GTaAhas been around for a while. My son aged 12 bought a copy [ less strict 20 years ago]. It disappeared. When asked, I could truthfully say I had no idea where it was, as after the bin men had been who knows which landfill site it ended up in.
Your husband is an idiot, GTA is totally unsuitable for 12 year olds. Would he take him to see an 18 at the cinema?

Have any of the people saying jts unsuitable ever played it or are you just jumping on the bandwagon. As a previous posters have said the online version is fairly innocuous

Daughers school brough gta in an Internet safety meeting. Some of rape and abuse of sex workers are disgusting i wouldn't let any child of mine play it.

I've played GTA and I love it, but it is in NO WAY suitable for a 12 year old child.

I'd be snapping that disc in 2 and scattering the pieces, what your ds plays as an adult is entirely up to him but he's still at a very impressionable age. This touches a nerve with me because my husband is always trying to sneak gaming for my kids and let's them play shoot em up games. They've got their whole adult lives ahead, let them be kids I say. Stick to your guns, you've done nowt wrong