For taking away my son's game

[LuvEri]

My DS (12) is really into gaming and as he has entered secondary school he has fortunately met friends with the same interests. However, his friends have all been into the game GTA making DS want it too. If you don’t already know GTA is a pegi rated 18 game as it contains drugs, violence and profanity. Also, my nephews have told me it has nudity and strip clubs! Obviously, I do not want my 12 year old to be subjected to this. I have made it clear to DS that I will not be buying him the game as he is too young but he does not like my decision.

I have mentioned this to DH in case DS tries and bribes him to buy him the game as he has a history of running to dad when mom won’t give him what he wants. I explained why I don’t think the game is appropriate for DS just to make him extra aware. DH told me he wouldn’t buy the game if DS asked him.

Despite this, I recently walked in on DS playing GTA!

I was absolutely livid!!!!

I immediately asked DS why he was playing the game and he looked at me panicked and didn’t answer. I then asked him where he got the game and he told me DH brought it for him as a gift. After I asked him why he accepted the gift when I explained he wasn’t allowed the game and he told me he thought he was allowed as DH brought it for him.

I told him thanks for being honest but then explained that I would be confiscating the game as the game was not appropriate for him. Cue the whining and pleads not to from DS and attempts at reasoning on why he should be allowed it. I kept my foot down and asked him for the disc and eventually DS gave it to me.

Later on I brought it up to DH and asked him what he was thinking of purchasing the game for DS when he said he wouldn’t. DH told me DS deserved it as he got really good grades on his end of year tests and he really wanted the game so he thought he worked hard for it. I once again explained the reasons why I thought the game wasn't appropriate for DS and DH dismissed me saying it’s just pixels and won’t do any real harm to DS. He then changed the conversation topic as if there wasn’t an issue.

However, after a while DH angrily confronted me on why I confiscated the game from DS. I explained my reasoning once again but DH told me he bought the game for DS with his own money and he has authority over him as he’s his child too. I asked him if he thought the game was a good influence on DS and he explained how it wasn’t real. He then demanded me for the game back and I refused as I really did not want DS to be exposed to it.

I’ve hidden the game as I don’t want DS to play it but I’d happily let him play it in the future when he is older and more mature.

Now I’m wondering AIBU for taking away the game as DH did buy it for DS with his own money but I honestly don’t want my DS to be exposed to all the bad things it contains.

I asked Ds about it, he is 19, he has never played it but his mates did and talked about how you can hire a prostitute, have sex with her and then kill her to get your money back in one campaign, also there are strip clubs.

My two sons are banned from having this game in this house and have played many other games a bit earlier than the age rating, but understand that the age rating isn't just about the content but the sustained stress levels on the body. Both Dh and I gamed so we know that games are talking points as well as playing together. My two just played games together or were able to find other friends who played the same games as them.

Ds1 plays Rocket League, Ds2 plays Monster Hunter, it is an 18 but he is 16.

I think your DS's biggest issue is the disconnect between you and your DH. The lying and sneaking and arguing and different messages will be doing far more harm than a computer game would. I'd address that as a matter of urgency.

I banned gta from our house. My kids are in their 20's and still don't play it. I also banned first person shooting games until they were more or less the correct age.
There are loads of great games out there. No one needs to play shite like GTA

I’m probably considered hideously lax for what I will allow my kids to play - but even I say no to GTA. And I own it and have played it myself.

YANBU at all.

You and he need to get on the same page and reliably and consistently support each other

How though? If one parent is irresponsible and goes back on what he agreed, or if the two parents fundamentally disagree, does one parent just have to back down?

In this situation, the father did agree he was on the same page as the OP, and then did exactly the opposite behind her back. Imo the OP was perfectly justified in taking away the game.

I understand the age ratings, and this is just my experience, I played the first gta, top down style of driving from age 12, I was watching action films e.g. Mortal kombat etc, then last femme njkita, then I got a ps1, it was metal gear solid, basically think Rambo, dropping bodies, all over, then other shooting and action games. I guess if you trust your ds, to know right from wrong, then it's just a game, however I understand the games are a contentious issue, although people seem to debate, games, yet where's the outrage, when it's dr who, or stranger things, or other shows, e.g. All the topics raised on series such as buffy, ext tv, itself can be more potent, for influencing the mind, that and friends too. Plus people also record streams for the games and upload them to youtube, so all your ds, would need to do is youtube anything controversial.

that said, all the best op.

The real problem seems to be that your DH undermined you. He knew that you did not want DS to have the game and he knew why...and he agreed with you! To say he worked hard is no excuse. Does DH have a car? Why not let DS drive it as he has worked hard and got good grades! Your DH would go spare, and rightly so. DH should have discussed it with you, not gone behind your back.

This touches a nerve with me because my husband is always trying to sneak gaming for my kids and let's them play shoot em up games

Again like the op you have a big issue then if your dh is sneaking behind your back on anything. Do not minimise that, it's pretty bad form and it would make me question the relationship as trust is everything.

The real problem seems to be that your DH undermined you. He knew that you did not want DS to have the game and he knew why...and he agreed with you

This and I can't believe so many here are missing that.

There seems to be a few different issues going on here, firstly lots of PPs
saying DH 'agreed' with OP and then undermined her, but in reality OP presented him with a done deal, she'd already decided the game wasn't appropriate and DS couldn't have it, she doesn't say "I discussed this with DH and asked his opinion" she says she told him of her decision and why and that "DH told me he wouldn’t buy the game if DS asked him", she doesn't say he agreed with her reasoning, in reality he quite possibly didn't.
But DH changed his mind, as a fully functioning adult he's entitled to do that; he also is the parent of DS so why is he less entitled to have a say in what DS can play etc, this though is dismissed by the OP as it isn't what she thinks/wants.
Whilst it seems reasonable that he could/should have discussed this change of mind with the OP, let's be honest he already knew she would not have reconsidered her POV.
The real problem here is that the 2 'adults' in this scenario are not communicating with each other and as a PP said, this is sending mixed messages to DS, "he has a history of running to dad when mom won’t give him what he wants" it would be much better if both OP and DH had discussed the issue both outlined their views and then tried to find an acceptable compromise rather than one person unilaterally deciding they are right and that's that.

I agree with the PP who suggested they'd be destroying the disc tbh. Your DS or DH will be on the look out for it anyway and it'll be a continuous issue.

I have played it myself and can't find anything to say about it that makes it an appropriate game for a child. It contains drugs, strip clubs and prostitutes, weapons, killing, etc. I really can't understand people on MN who have so many issues with how men treat women or act in society and seem to condone this. It's OK to socialise your child with a violent game they are going to be fixated on then? For anyone who has ever gamed a lot, they will know that it starts to creep into dreams and become quite vivid. At 12, your child is still quite impressionable.

It's 18 for a reason and whilst I wouldn't be too strict about that (maybe at 16 I'd be more inclined to allow it) it's the fact your DH agreed with you and then went behind your back. You have a massive problem with your DH!

Are you sure your DH didn't want to play it too?

I used to play it back as a child - internet and gaming parental controls weren’t really a thing back then. I would never let a child under 15 play it. It’s a disgusting game when I look back now.

I think you did the right thing. No way in hell would I let a 12 year old play GTA. It's not designed for that age group and it doesn't really matter if it's not really or just pixels, inside the game violence is still violence, nudity is still nudity. I say this as an enthusiastic gamer, I have played the GTA games, they're fun but they're just not for kids. Imo your DH was irresponsible to buy it for your DS, especially after you discussed it. There are thousands of fun games out there with similar mechanics, kids only want to play GTA because it's got that darker side to it and understandably theyre curious and want to see it. I'd suggest switching it out for something equally challenging like the Witcher. Show your DS that you appreciate he feels mature enough to play a game meant for adults but make it clear that some things are off limits until he's older. Have you sat down and discussed it in detail with your DS? I really would advocate trying your hardest to help him understand. Would you be comfortable letting DS play it only when you're there to supervise so it doesn't get out of hand? It's really tough when all his friends are allowed but I honestly am 100% on your side.

If your DS wants GTA but you don't want him to play it, why not let him play a Roblox version? It's censored, free and can be played with friends! I let my DC play the Roblox version with their friends, even the older one's who play it with their friends to take the mick out of the game or to troll around.

I also recommend some GTA alternatives like Crime City 2 (which is free), Simpsons Hit and Run (a bit old but still really fun), Miami Taffic III, Contre Mafia 2 and A True Theft.

I really can't understand people on MN who have so many issues with how men treat women or act in society and seem to condone this

I was waiting for men to become bashed on this thread somehow, ah good old reliable mn. Suppose does watching soap operas and reality tv promote women to act like bitches to kids??

I really can't understand people on MN who have so many issues with how men treat women or act in society and seem to condone this

oh and the game promotes violence against all genders, drug use, armed robbery etc. I see you just made it your mission there to throw in a dig at men.

Leaving aside the whole violence as entertainment (towards both sexes, but the misogyny in gta is awful) as most posters have said it’s the deceit by your dh that is the problem. What else is he happy to do to make him look the good guy and you the bad in your child’s eyes?

This reminds me of my sister getting GTA from Santa when she was about 9 or 10. My parents were oblivious to its content and my adult older sister on Xmas morning told my parents it was inappropriate. My parents removed the present and as it was the big part of her Xmas day present it seemed very tight I recall. My kid sister spent Xmas day crying.

Irony was that she just went next door to our neighbour's house who had a similar aged kid and played it anyway as their parents were also oblivious so my parents actions were pretty much pointless.