in agony after 16 hour journey 2 months after major surgery to remove tumour

[loopylalalala1]

Hiya

So on Weds drove MIL, DH and DD to Ireland to see MIL's Mum. MIL had said she'd share driving but didn't. Today an 11hr journey took 16hrs because DH and MIL decided to go to National Trust place for 3 hours. Left me sitting alone on bench as they walked. I'd previously told DH I didn't want to do this visit to National Trust as wanted to get home as recovering from surgery and he reassured me it'd be fine for me to drive straight home and have quick stops as needed. However, once near the place he was adamant we went and incredibly moody when it seemed we'd not go and then MIL said she'd like to go and so we went even though I made it clear i didn't really want to go as I wanted to get back home. Yesterday I'd had a stomach upset and I'm recovering from major abdominal surgery I had 10 weeks ago to remove a benign but large tumour. MIL said she'd share driving but seemed reluctant when I asked her as I had a headache. Then DH told me he didn't want her to drive so I'd have to. So I drove back. He was in a mood the whole way....he can't drive due to a health condition. I told him when I got home I wished his Mum had helped and he just walked off. I was feeling ill and he didn't check if I needed anything. The other week he told me to f off when asked him to hurry up. I don't think he loves me anymore. I don't know what to do. I have no family other than my DD. Both my parents have passed away. I wish he would just be more considerate of my feelings. I'm now lying in bed feeling nauseous and in pain and he hasn't said 1 word to me other than that I always try to argue. AIBU? I didn't mind driving but wished they'd been considerate of me given I'm not well rn.

Oh and MIL made it clear she wasn't driving when she decided to drink some wine she bought at services.

Is he always like this?

I couldn't stay with someone who cared for me so little

I hope you feel better soon

I don't even want thanks just for hubby to ask if I'm ok as I've been ill.

He is. One day I was very ill with an infection and he went with his Mum to Kew Gardens. He also did this while I was in hospital having a minor procedure and then when I came home after GA and being nil by mouth all day, I had to wait 2 hours to get given anything to eat and felt too dizzy and overwhelmed to go get anything from the kitchen.

Ltb

I don't mind him going out for a walk with his Mum and don't expect him to sit at home all day while I'm ill.... but what's wrong with going for a walk in the local park? Why go far away? when your wife is ill?

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP! I'm furious on your behalf at the way you have been treated by your so called 'D'H, and MIL! How dare they treat you like this? Although I'm afraid you do have to accept some of the blame, for caving in when you really didn't feel well. I think you should have told them that you weren't feeling well enough to do the National Trust place, and if they didn't like it, then MIL should have done what she promised and driven. What would they have done if you'd refused to drive the remainder of the journey after they'd finished at the NT place? I'm not surprised you don't feel well, that it a VERY long drive, and after recent surgery, quite honestly a daft move on your part. However, what's done is done. Do you feel poorly enough to need a doctor? If so, call 111, and see what they advise. Tomorrow, in your shoes I would be telling my DH that I will NEVER do such a journey again, and if he doesn't like it, show him the door. Selfish pig!! Sorry OP but if this is the way he's treating you, I'm afraid I would say LTB!!

I've just read your other posts OP. He obviously cares more about his DM than he does about you. Do you have children with this man? If not, kick him out, NOW!! He does't deserve you, and you definitely deserve much better than this selfish twat!

Firstly I'm sorry you have health issues. It must have been a very worrying time. Yiu must be very relieved it was benign.
As for your husband. Why do you think someone who is horrible is going to magically start being nice? He is a nasty pig. Put up with it or divorce him. You don't have any other alternatives unfortunately.

I do accept the blame for caving in and doing the drive.... even suggesting it but really wanted to see lovely Gran. Also I felt very ganged up on and DH has major mood swings.

OK, so everyone else in this scenario is clearly selfish, but you are being a martyr. Come on now woman, stand up for yourself. No one I know would be driving anyone anywhere under your circumstances, regardless of the National Trust stop offs.

Don’t moan on here while saying “I don’t mind this, I don’t mind that”. You do mind and you should mind.

If you lie down in front of the door and invite people to wipe their feet on you, some people are going to take you up on it.

Blunt but true.

With sympathy 💐

He's clearly a knob, as is your MiL.
But why on earth did you agree to drive that distance? Or even half of it? If you are ( unsurprisingly) too unwell to drive long distances, I don't understand why you would agree to it, even if MiL said she would do some of the driving. It's a ridiculous length journey, and I wouldn't do that even with no operation.
As for the stop offs, surely the driver decides the length and frequency of stop offs.
He really does sound very selfish but you don't have to do what he says. I expect you are considering whether to continue this relationship; there'd have to be major advantages that you haven't mentioned to outweigh his callous attitude to you. He and his mother are taking advantage of you. If you want to stay in a relationship with him, then I think you need to put your foot down, spell out your expectations, and stop running around after them both.
A 12 hour drive is a massive ask of anyone, and they don't sound at all grateful.

So you had to drive this manchild and his mother about for 16 hours today because he can't drive and she wouldn't, 2 months after major abdominal surgery while feeling ill?

Thats really not on. Neither are his moods or his telling you to fuck off. Why would you be lonely if you left him? How does he get to work if he cannot drive or otherwise get himself about?

I am considering leaving but then I'll never see my lovely nephews again and I will have no family. I also don't know where to go or what to do. I wasn't going to drive but there was a train strike and the airports are mad. Or I'd have flown. in hindsight, I was an idiot

he uses public transport to get around

Aside from the fact that he sounds vile, why doesn't he drive?

Don’t drive either of them anywhere again. Leave him. How old are the nephews? They’ll groe up and have their lives, it’s madness to stay because of them, even partly.

he can't drive as he has epilepsy

You are not being unreasonable I had major surgery abdominal several years ago now and it takes more time than you think for all those abdominal muscles to knit back together never mind the nerve cells. You should be taking it very easy not driving 11 hours!

LTB life's too short

Get your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings. That means say nothing to him until you have found and copied every single piece of financial information in the house. Bank accounts, mortgage, pensions, the lot. If you own your home jointly, make sure you copy the paperwork.
Your nephews will keep in touch with you if they want to.
Don't waste your life with this horrible selfish man.

It takes 3 months to recover from major abdominal surgery and that is with good nutrition, no strenuous exercise and plenty of rest, including an afternoon nap wherever possible.

I didn’t think you were meant to drive that number of hours in a day (even when not recovering from surgery)

We spent around 4 hours on ferry, so about 7/8 hours driving I think