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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband relies on me financially

46 replies

Stressedmumthm · 31/07/2022 22:16

Ever since I met my husband he’s relied on me financially, I have always been financially independent so it wasn’t really an issue until I got pregnant. I asked him to step up while I was pregnant as he would have to start contributing more when I was on maternity leave and after the baby came. Every time I tried to talk to him he said I was putting g pressure on him. After the baby was born I broke down in tears begging him to step up but every time he either said he would and half hearted looked for other jobs or said I was putting too much pressure on him. I had to go back to work full time as debts were piling up. Over the years we’ve had the same conversation but nothing changes. Our child is now in school and we have a lot of debt as I have been supporting the family with very little financial support from him. My health has been badly affected. In an attempt to sort out our finances I looked into remortgaging our house only to find out my husband gambles hundred every month whilst always complaining he can’t contribute anymore because of his low paid job and it’s not his fault. When he was found out he said he did it to try and win money to clear our debts. He goes from one job to another as there’s always some issue which is never his fault. We have no savings and a lot of debt and I’m at the end of the line. I never wanted my marriage to fail or our child to have separated parents. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t feel that he respects me and is only with me because he relies on me financially. I tried to be supportive, helping him apply for jobs, always trying to understand when a job didn’t work out. Trying not to blame him but work together as I believed in our marriage. I just don’t know where to go from here, any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 31/07/2022 23:13

Leave him. CMS can be taken out his pay before he even receives it, so there’s a significant chance you’ll get more than you’ve had before!

DarlingDarwin · 31/07/2022 23:16

He’s a cocklodger.

whatdodos · 31/07/2022 23:20

My ex was the same and it was heart wrenching having to leave him but my son and myself are honestly so much better off for it. I no longer feel (as much) resentment and don't have this constant anger frustration and worry over my head. I feel guilty for leaving but the relief feels so much better. If you know deep down it's the best thing for you (definitely seems that way from what you've described) then start taking small steps towards leaving him.

CactusBlossom · 31/07/2022 23:21

"In an attempt to sort out our finances I looked into remortgaging our house only to find out my husband gambles hundred every month whilst always complaining he can’t contribute anymore because of his low paid job and it’s not his fault."

If this isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. Get out while you still can, and don't let him drag you deeper into debt. Gambling is an addiction and you'll probably find it's be going on for a very long time.

"...said I was putting too much pressure on him", yes, while he was focussing on feeding his gambling habit. This isn't going well, and it's not going to get any better. You need to leave.

hattie43 · 31/07/2022 23:22

Why did you get with him in the first place much less have a child with someone you say from when you first met he relied on you financially.

I don't get why your annoyed when he's always been this way . He's not going to step up , he never had .

IAmAWomanNotACis · 31/07/2022 23:45

What an absolute waster he is. My only question is, what took you so long to realise this, and what's it going to take for you to chuck him out?

Duckndive55 · 31/07/2022 23:51

Leave him/get him to leave. Crap situation, I'm sorry x Good luck x

Longdistance · 01/08/2022 00:06

He’s like a millstone around your neck. You won’t get anywhere with him. He’s holding you back.
If you have a joint account, don’t pay into it. Separate it all. Not sure why you thought it was a good idea to get married to him and have a dc? He sounds utterly hopeless.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/08/2022 00:23

"I just don’t feel that he respects me and is only with me because he relies on me financially."
This is no basis for a relationship, and he's not going to change.
You can call it quits now, and try to make a nice life for you and your child, or you can stay with him, funding his gambling addiction with money that you could be spending on your child or saving for their future.

SarahDippity · 01/08/2022 00:26

Don’t tie this millstone around your neck, and that of your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2022 00:30

Ever since I met my husband he’s relied on me financially

You've known who is he right from the start, you dismissed it, and then went on to marry him and have a child. You have to know he will never change, and you absolutely do know what to do, you're just still living in denial as you have from the beginning. You divorce this man as quickly as humanly possible. He's a gambling cocklodger who will ruin your life.

ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2022 00:54

You can't "work together" to fix things on your own!! It's impossible.

While you still have the debts, get rid of the lying, gambling git and divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

Then build yourself up financially. Make sure your DC are in nursery though so he doesn't suddenly decide to be a SAHD and try to show he's the main carer for your DC.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 01/08/2022 03:04

I had enough already (hence my username) and divorced a man very similar to yours. Gambling, among other things, helped destroy our family. I could no longer trust him, he wouldn't allow me to handle all finances, I didn't want to have to treat him like a child, and I didn't want to therefore enable his gambling and support him forever on my salary, which is what it felt like and what it in fact was, as he seemed to think his wage was his alone to play around with while mine was essentially paying all the bills. I couldn't face retirement knowing he could waste all "our" money. I lost respect for him and I couldn't stay. I couldn't let my children think it was ok that dad was gone all hourseither gambling or napping at home and wasn't a true coparent.

Within a year of being divorced, my finances had bounced back, even with renting an apartment (USA). I did not want the house or to be a homeowner on my own. We had actually refinanced our mortgage to pay credit card debt, which had built up due to his gambling. Such a temporary fix.

He always thought he was such a great money guy, so full of advice for other people. He sat on the finance committee of our church and I thought "if they only knew".

Knowing you are the higher earner, if you do leave, just know you will probably have to pay him (I did here in US), a formula of wages and time spent with each parent is calculated. Even with my rent and having to pay him, I still feel it was worth it. I no longer worry Every Single Day where he is, what he is doing, if he is spending money gambling.

Divorcing itself was not that difficult except I'm such an introvert that it all seemed overwhelming. My lawyer helped me with the best advice, that the whole process is not done all at once, but in nice little chunks of tasks to be done. She was right, and I got through it.

The fact that your child is now in school really does help your situation. If you choose to leave, it will be easier to retain your job and to coparent.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

comealongponds · 01/08/2022 03:55

It was stupid to have a child thinking that he would change and step up, but now that you’ve finally had your eyes opened you need to leave.

NumberTheory · 01/08/2022 04:53

So he has likely been gambling for years while your health suffered, drawing you into the debt he is now using as his excuse for more gambling.

You cannot change him. He has no insight into his addiction. He does not care enough about you and DD to change.

The only thing you can do that will improve your situation is to leave him.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2022 05:20

It doesn’t sound like he’s on your team at all. Divorce him and sort out your own finances

Billybagpuss · 01/08/2022 05:23

I hope your ok OP💐💐these must be hard responses to wake up to but I can’t disagree with any of them.

if you choose to stay with him the only way to improve this for you is completely separate finances, are you currently paying the mortgage alone . But the respect has gone and he clearly has no intention of making any effort to win it back. I don’t see from what you’ve told us you have any choice. What are his good points? If you want to stay with him is the remortgage an option? Get clear and work on it, or sell, separate get clear from the equity and rebuild alone which will be a much easier job.

RedRec · 01/08/2022 06:02

I had a bone idle loser husband like yours, OP (although he didn't gamble). I was ok about being the breadwinner for years as could absorb it all on my salary. But then I was made redundant and it was his turn to step up. He didn't, and that gradually eroded all respect I ever had for him. And that turned to loathing. I left him (after way too long) and the relief was immense at getting rid of the millstone around my neck.
I think you should do the same. All the best to you.

Maggie178 · 01/08/2022 06:04

What does he contribute if he doesn't contribute finiacially?
I think you've given him plenty of time to change. At this point it's clear he will never contribute finiacially. If you can't manage and are getting further into debt something needs to change. Can you realistically support the three of you alone? Do you need to cut back somewhere? Your life and your child's life maybe easier if you separate. It's very selfish to spend his money all on himself.

Dashel · 01/08/2022 06:39

The longer you stay with him the worse this gets. You need to rip off the plaster and move forward. Do not pay off any of his debt and see a solicitor ASAP

GabriellaMontez · 01/08/2022 07:32

None of us set out to have a broken marriage. But you won't fix him. He'll just continue to ruin you. Leave him.

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