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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband relies on me financially

46 replies

Stressedmumthm · 31/07/2022 22:16

Ever since I met my husband he’s relied on me financially, I have always been financially independent so it wasn’t really an issue until I got pregnant. I asked him to step up while I was pregnant as he would have to start contributing more when I was on maternity leave and after the baby came. Every time I tried to talk to him he said I was putting g pressure on him. After the baby was born I broke down in tears begging him to step up but every time he either said he would and half hearted looked for other jobs or said I was putting too much pressure on him. I had to go back to work full time as debts were piling up. Over the years we’ve had the same conversation but nothing changes. Our child is now in school and we have a lot of debt as I have been supporting the family with very little financial support from him. My health has been badly affected. In an attempt to sort out our finances I looked into remortgaging our house only to find out my husband gambles hundred every month whilst always complaining he can’t contribute anymore because of his low paid job and it’s not his fault. When he was found out he said he did it to try and win money to clear our debts. He goes from one job to another as there’s always some issue which is never his fault. We have no savings and a lot of debt and I’m at the end of the line. I never wanted my marriage to fail or our child to have separated parents. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t feel that he respects me and is only with me because he relies on me financially. I tried to be supportive, helping him apply for jobs, always trying to understand when a job didn’t work out. Trying not to blame him but work together as I believed in our marriage. I just don’t know where to go from here, any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
Meraas · 31/07/2022 22:22

Just leave him, OP. He is an albatross around your neck. Flowers

parietal · 31/07/2022 22:22

you said my husband gambles hundred every month whilst always complaining he can’t contribute anymore because of his low paid job and it’s not his fault

leave him asap. gambling is very addictive and it is very hard (or impossible) for an addict to stop. He will keep getting into debt and making things worse for you. get out while you can and separate your finances entirely.

hulahooper2 · 31/07/2022 22:23

Leave him , it will only get worse

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/07/2022 22:24

He loves the thrill of the possibility of winning more than he loves you and DC.
Leave him or kick him out before he makes you homeless with his stupidity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2022 22:24

He’s the one who’s bailed on your marriage and your family, you have nothing to feel guilty for. He is the one who’s broken it.

All you can do now is protect yourself and your child from further financial ruin from having him drain you dry.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 31/07/2022 22:25

Leave him. He can’t be cured. He will just drag you down with him until you’re all homeless and bankrupt.

Brigante9 · 31/07/2022 22:26

He’s an addict and needs help, but it doesn’t have to be you that helps him. Would you be better off without him? Financially, emotionally? Would your child benefit from him as a role model living in the same house or not? I would find it very difficult to fancy or respect someone like you describe your Dh.

RiojaRose · 31/07/2022 22:26

Definitely leave him. Right now. Gambling addiction is incredibly difficult to overcome. He will promise he has stopped, over and over, but nothing will change.

The gambling addict in my family only stopped when ill health prevented him accessing gambling. In his 80s.

Stickworm · 31/07/2022 22:26

Even if there was the slightest chance of him changing his ways before I then read only to find out my husband gambles hundred every month whilst always complaining he can’t contribute. I’m sorry OP but he is a waste of space. I can’t believe (in the kindest possible way) you have put up with him for this long now your child is school age. It must have been a terribly stressful time for you. What is he actually bringing to the relationship?

ladygindiva · 31/07/2022 22:27

Leave him
A miserable home and mother is far worse than separated parents

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 22:27

Sack him off op it’s the only way forward

justfiveminutes · 31/07/2022 22:27

Leave him and separate your finances immediately. You are likely to be better off financially, and can live your life free of this waster.

Sallyh87 · 31/07/2022 22:28

Leave him before you are saddled with major debt.

Sorry OP, you have given him a lot and every chance and he hasn’t improved. You would be better alone.

Alfiemoon1 · 31/07/2022 22:30

Leave him before he gets you into more debt

Doyoumind · 31/07/2022 22:31

Leave. He won't change. Things won't get better with him. They will without him.

sjxoxo · 31/07/2022 22:31

You have no choice in my opinion other than to leave him. The gambling is the problem and you won’t beat this. Actually by staying the problem will be worse and worse for you and your dc. I think you will feel so free… you sound very strong. Don’t accept this- it’s not love and it sounds like he is using you for money and the trust is gone. What’s really in this for you? I doubt less than zero. Best of luck op xxxx

allboysherebutme · 31/07/2022 22:37

Leave him. X

ILoveTwix · 31/07/2022 22:44

Aside from his poor work ethic and general attitude towards money, is he a nice person? Do you love him? Can you see the marriage improving and making you happy?

It's entirely reasonable for financial issues to put you off someone! I'd struggle to be with DH if he had no work ethic and I am not one for fancy, materialistic things but I work hard and want a normal level of comfort in my life.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 31/07/2022 22:50

Don't think of this as a failed marriage think of this as a successful parenting decision.

Ultimately addicts (not ex addicts) make terrible partners and terrible parents.

You need to put your child's needs for a stable secure environment above your partners needs to be financially supported by someone else so he can feed his addiction.

And to be fair you need to put your own needs first too, you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and isn't honest with you.

You talk a lot about how you are supporting him, but it sounds like you are carrying everything by yourself and not getting any support back. Its okay to want more than that from life.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/07/2022 22:54

Stop trying to rescue this, its dead. Your husband is a drain on your finances and your emotional wellbeing. Your child will certainly be better off outside of a family with a problem gambler.

mogsrus · 31/07/2022 22:55

I work in the gaming industry, the self exclusion register is overflowing with addicts, yes it provides a good living for me, but. I have seen some real upset, I beg you either to leave or get help from gambleaware It will destroy all of you if it’s not tackled, gamblers are always chasing losses.

IrisVersicolor · 31/07/2022 22:58

Why would you “believe” in a marriage to someone with a poor work ethic and a gambling habit?

Stop believing in a chimera and you’re free.

NotDonna · 31/07/2022 23:03

I’d seek legal advice regarding a divorce. He’s no partner for you and no role model for your child.

Kidsaretryingtodestroyme · 31/07/2022 23:08

You have to leave him. My friends dad was like your DH when we were in college and in the end they lost their beautiful home as her mother couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage solo.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/07/2022 23:09

Leave him. It may be financially difficult in the short term if you are married and assets need to be split but in the long term it will be far better to be financially independent than to stay with a gambling addict who will run up debt after debt.