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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry that I will never get over my childhood abuse?

36 replies

JunieBabes · 31/07/2022 21:29

I feel so angry and upset that, at 45, it looks as though I'll never get over the emotional and physical abuse I suffered as a child from my parents. I've had every treatment imaginable, ranging from counselling, to CBT, and I'm on long term antidepressants which I've been on for almost 30 years. I've improved my self esteem and confidence and all that stuff.

I just feel so upset and angry about things like the abuse giving me a shit childhood, and the friendships and opportunities I missed out on because of being abused and my confidence being low, and not being allowed friends anyway. I never felt that the world was my oyster like people who have been parented in a good enough way often do. Never had the confidence to travel or go to uni.

I've got a good life now but no matter what I do I can't get over the anger, and often have childhood flashbacks, and am still traumatised by what I went through, to a degree. AIBU to be angry that I will never get over it? I just want to be a normal person.

OP posts:
JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 31/07/2022 21:34

I think you are trying too hard to “get over it”. You can’t get over it…you just learn to live with the fact it happened and not let it affect your future.

I was also physically and emotionally abused as a child. I have compartmentalised it into something that happened in the past.

HumunaHey · 31/07/2022 21:35

Do you have any contact with your abusers?

SweatyLaBetty · 31/07/2022 21:36

I do sympathise - I had a horrifically abusive childhood and it has left many scars.

But it doesn't define me. You are much more than what you've been through - and you've been strong enough to make it this far.

What's helped me is accepting my past, forgiving, and very much deciding to move forward with positivity. Channel that anger, live it, feel it, get it out. My anger fuelled me through a few marathons before I realised that's what was happening! I'm not angry anymore. Life is much more peaceful.

It doesn't have to hold you prisoner - you've been through enough. Focus on self-compassion and self-esteem. Cliche but so true!

Good luck.

Original poster
JunieBabes · 31/07/2022 21:36

No, I'm non contact with them.

I wish I could compartmentalise it, believe me I have tried so hard

OP posts:
Whoatealltheminieggs · 31/07/2022 21:36

I try to not give my abusers the power to take my adult years away. It’s enough they took my childhood. I understand how you feel but you can’t live in the past.

Cucumberbund · 31/07/2022 21:38

Have you tried EFT/ tapping? It's the only thing that helped me deal with past anger that I thought I would never ever get over. I have had other therapies but it was the one I started with and I am a changed person. It takes work but it did work for me.

GetOffTheRoof · 31/07/2022 21:39

Not unreasonable. It's a huge trauma.

Have you ever spoken about the possibility of using EMDR for the flashbacks though?

Winkydink · 31/07/2022 21:40

Same age as you, same feelings. Nothing constructive to offer other than to say I feel your pain and I, too, wish I could move on.

YoSofi · 31/07/2022 21:42

Have you had trauma therapy? You need something quite specialist, and to learn to reparent yourself.

That abused little girl is still in there, stuck, and she needs you to reparent her - there’s a lot of resources online.

Im so sorry you didn’t have the childhood you deserved x

LunaLemon · 31/07/2022 21:45

I really identify with what you wrote. I’m so sorry for what you went through.

Heroicallyl0st · 31/07/2022 21:46

It’s a grieving process, and right now you’re feeling the loss of missing out on the life you could have had. These feelings are normal and healthy - painful to go through, but letting yourself rage and feel it all will help.

CBT is just a sticking plaster for childhood abuse and neglect. Have you had any trauma therapy or psychotherapy?

daretodenim · 31/07/2022 21:47

OP you can't get over it because it's very much still "live" in your mind. I don't mean you're actively thinking about it but flashbacks are not something we can choose (although we can train ourselves - over a long time - to stop them before they get out of hand).

I have spent years in trauma therapy and for flashbacks I can recommend EMDR. I caution that everything you read about it talks about it solving trauma in 5 sessions or something small like that. That's true - if you have it for a car accident and you've no other trauma. It's far longer if you've got flashbacks from childhood.

I can also say that it makes me angry during sessions sometimes to know my abuser is out there living and easy life while I'm going through the ha-ard work of trauma therapy. However, I remind myself that EMDR already has reduced or removed flashbacks from situations I've already worked in.

It is imperative however, that the EMDR is conducted by someone properly trained in trauma therapy, manifestations of trauma and childhood abuse. This is postgraduate level training. Ideally by a counselling psychologist (a PhD level training).

But in short YADDDDDNBU.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 31/07/2022 21:47

Have you tried EMDR OP? Normal CBT doesn’t tend to work on trauma.

Herja · 31/07/2022 21:51

It's shit, isn't it?

When I accepted I wouldn't get over my abuses (child and adult), not straight away - a year or so after, it did help me compartmentalise though. I sort of could before, but not properly. I can now and I rarely have days where I sink entirely. It happens, but my life is not chaotic in any way, and it's once a month or so, rather than a few times a week.

It is odd, but accepting it will never go away, has had a bigger easing impact than anything else.

changingroom · 31/07/2022 21:53

It's not the fact it happened and you need to get over it that you need to deal with.

You need to find your own normal, and a happy normal in which you can exist.

If you continue to define your entire life by a period of abuse you will never be happy.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 31/07/2022 22:11

You don't ever get over it!
You just learn to think of it less, to not let it define you.
To try and find a happier place for your feelings.

HRTQueen · 31/07/2022 22:15

I feel angry and sad that it has impacted my relationships.

Ive accepted this and maybe my next relationship will be different as I have now accepted that for me relationships are difficult (rather than just pushing, being difficult and waiting for them to get fed up)

I also hate my step father but I’m ok with that I’m not forgiving him or my mum I have no reason to

It has defined me I’m not the person I should have been and that is very sad

I see this in how confident and happy ds is this makes me so happy but it is also a reminder of how my life should have been or even just been given that chance

Sunshinedappled · 01/08/2022 08:55

Part of recovery is acceptance. Accepting these terrible and unjust things happened to you, when you were defenceless. There are scars that you will have for life. The good news is, that now you can be the loving parent to yourself. Be really nice to yourself, stand up for yourself. Have empathy for the little girl you were, who still lives inside you. The main goal is to love yourself. It's a journey, but is possible.

felulageller · 01/08/2022 09:24

I am trying to accept that life is t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Life is random and often meaningless.

We are brought up in a society that teaches us fairness but I think this is setting us up to fail when bad things happen. We are taught to think that bad things must happen for a reason. We are told we have control of our destinies. But that's a lie. Some people get dealt a bad hand in life. We don't have as much agency in our lives as we think we do. Let go of those thoughts and you are freer to move on.

Eyesopenwideawake · 01/08/2022 10:14

When something happens that we can't explain (SA, a sudden death, a violent burglary or other trauma) our subconscious mind tries to make sense of it, because that's the only way we can reconcile what happened. The problem is that some things that happen in life are so random they can't be rationalised or that the people who might have been able to provide answers are no longer in our lives (the drunk driver who died at the scene of an accident, for example).

I have worked with several people who've suffered from childhood abuse and couldn't forget it (some in their 50's and 60's) - remedial hypnosis allows the person to connect with that part of the subconscious that's still trying to figure out what happened and (gently) tell it that it can stop now. One person described her trauma as if it was covered in oil afterwards - she could remember it but the associated memories slipped harmlessly out of her grasp.

These two videos are really useful to understand negative core beliefs from childhood abuse.

Eyesopenwideawake · 01/08/2022 10:16

Part 1 - above link didn't work, watch this first

alnawire · 01/08/2022 10:20

I can relate. I will never get over, move on from or compartmentalise the fact that my mother didn't love me.

Ravenclawdropout · 01/08/2022 10:20

Do you do anything physical to help you relieve the anger, stress and tension in your body? I love weight training for this very reason. I would spend more time in nature and with pets too, the natural world can be very healing.

doodlywoodlydingdong · 01/08/2022 10:21

Have a look at the psilocybin thread on here.

HackAttack · 01/08/2022 10:44

I try to think of mine as a kind of permanent white noise. No amount of therapy is going to hand back lost years to me now. It's never going to phone me on my birthday or be proud of me.
What therapy has done for me has helped me understand my responses and avoid ever becoming the people who harmed me. On a good day the white noise is a slight sadness imperceptible to others. On a bad day when it makes it's way in, usually with an intrusive thought, I take a moment to acknowledge, feel sad and then do something kind to myself, maybe a short walk, good song or good cuppa. Usually after that the noise is back under control.