Is this usual practice in nurseries?

[napplieee]

My DD's nursery moves toddlers to preschool at around 2 and a half. Mh DD is due to go quite soon and I'm having trouble potty training her. She cries on the potty/ toilet and is basically averse to the whole thing. I've been trying quite hard to train her, but she won't even sit down on it. She used to ages ago when I was just introducing it to her ( this was moooonths ago ). Then I just kind of left the potty around and didn't actually try properly training her until more recently.

Anyway, the point is that most kids moving up to preschool actually aren't in nappies any more- in fact, I think pretty much all of them are potty trained by that time.

I'm not sure my DD is going to be able to learn in a few weeks, as she's really crying all the time when I even mention the potty or toilet now.

I feel like I've messed her up somehow.

In any case, whenever I read on here, lot of children aren't trained by two and a half... is that late then ? I thought it was kind of normal, even at three to not be using the potty

You might find that the other children asking for the toilet etc helps things along, but honestly don't worry- it's not the case most are trained. Ds was the same regarding getting upset, so we would leave the potty out, lots of praise and stickers for using it but also no negative things around still wearing a nappy as didn't want him to start withholding. Read a few books about potties and poo/wee and once he was ready cracked it in a few days with no tears.

Please tell me more about your methods!

You might find if her peers are trained she just cracks on rather than it being a battle. I had one who was done by 21/2 and one who took a bit longer but was trained by 3. I would say though that for both of them it took until 31/2 for them to be independent in the sense that I could trust they would go to the loo without nagging and could be trusted to wipe, wash hands without standing over them. Eldest needed help wiping poos until she went to school. Suspect youngest will be the same. It’s a long process towards complete independence especially when you factor in night dryness. I really wouldn’t worry about a self-imposed deadline of 21/2.

Yes I think there’s a fashion for that these days. With my 3 I decided when they were capable of learning and we went “cold turkey”.
Im not saying either way is wrong or right.

I don't really know how you can force a child that's crying on the potty to do it though

In my experience if you introduce it all much younger there is far less resistance to it. They are less habituated to going in nappies and far less resistant to change. I used to sit my eldest on a potty after supper at 15 months old and they would just poo on it, by age 2 it was almost automatic so we never had that phase where some kids want a nappy to poo in etc.

Most people in UK seem to attempt it between 2.5 & 3 and find it hard.... I always think thats the hardest age to do it, they are stubborn, very aware of what's going on, hate change etc

We've had a potty since she was 12 months! She was happy to sit on it until recently when things got a bit more serious I guess.

You shouldn't force it. They will do it when they are ready.

My youngest has just absolutely smashed it after he was off sick from nursery for a week and I thought I'd put pants on him as he was at home. It just clicked for him and he has only had one accident. He is just about to turn 3 and was clearly ready.

He has had the opportunity to use the potty since he was around 2.5 but I have never forced it or made a big deal out of it.

A lot of older generations were trained earlier as we were in terry towelling nappies and they were probably very horrible to sit in compared to modern nappies, and our parents were probably fed up of scraping the shit out of them!

Please don't make it a stressful experience. She will do it when she's ready.

My methods:

always start with poos

Monitor childs bowel movements from 12m. There are reflexes that mean it's very common in humans to poo around 15-20 mins after eating and most kids go same time every day.

Offer potty at that time once child is walking. Talk about sitting on potty, show them the poo when they do one, give them the vocabulary. Be positive about poo, open about when you go yourself, let them see both mummy and daddy poo.

For wees, introduce some slots of time when they are allowed to be bare bottomed from 18m on. Half an hour after bath, an hour or two first thing in morning etc. They will at some point wee on their own legs and will be surprised/notice. Talk about what happened, say wee wee goes in potty. It won't be long before you will notice signs they are going to go and you can have a potty to hand to help them go on. Successfully "catching" a few wees helps them associate the feeling of going with the process of sitting on the potty, plus all this time you are giving the language they need. You also want to help them be able to go out of choice when you ask - this is as important as them telling you before they go.

You just go slow and you should see gradual progress. With my eldest he started saying "I need wee" as it came out. That progressed to saying it a split second before. I then got to a stage where with nothing on their bum and a potty in the same room they would go when they needed to. Its then another leap to introduce pants but you get the idea.

Both my two were done just before 2and birthday, neither pooed much in a nappy beyond 18-20 months.

If your dd isn't ready it's simple. Don't let the nursery pressure you. I have one who isn't dry still during the day at 5 5 years and one who was dry at 21 months. Both boys.

Where do these Stats come from? Seems pretty late IME

My husband is saying we need to force her more ' she's just going to have to learn '....

Has never actually seen how upset she gets when I try and put her on the potty and talks about her behaviour as if she's being naughty and just needs to be put straight. So frustrating !

Have you tried a toilet seat and step? Choosing her big girl pants? Going cold Turkey?

All of those !

Honestly I much prefer the child led way. Dd was nearly 4 when we started but she got it immediately. She wanted to stop nappies so she was really motivated to get it right and we barely had any accidents at all. She was dry overnight just after 4 as well. Find what works for you.

Oh dear. Your husband doesn't have a clue about child development does he?

She's not ready. Forcing her will result in tears, holding in wee until she can't hold it anymore and has an accident, developing a fear of using the toilet, frustration... the list goes on.

It will also be frustrating and tiresome for you both to keep having the same battles over and over with your dd. You will end up just putting her back in nappies and starting the cycle over.

Better to wait. Who cares if she is going into the next room and is still in nappies? In the grand scheme of things it really isn't that important. She'll learn when it's her time.

One of the advantages of a kid going to nursery is surely they do all the hard work? I barely remember potty training my two- just told nursery we'd like to start training them soon- they spent a couple of months teaching them to go to the toilet, we did the same at home and then we picked a Monday for them to try without nappies and within a week or so at nursery - job done pretty much! We left it until 3 for both though so didn't push it too early. One then didn't night train until 4.5 and the other was night trained by 3.5.

@TooMuchGoogling it's so frustrating talking to him about it. He has absolutely zERO clue.

I’m sorry, but in the absence of any (significant) additional need, a child not being toilet trained by 5 and a half years (Year 1 of primary school?) is pretty disgraceful. Utterly lazy parenting.

Just my experience of 20 years in childcare.

They will help. But you have had to put in the work successfully at home first. I've put in the work, but so far no success..

Ok so when you chucked the nappies away and put her in pants what happened? Usually because they don’t like being wet or having poos in their pants they will want to do it on the potty /toilet.
what made you decide to go back to nappies?

@MissyB1 she just kept pooing and peeing everywhere.. I tried bare bottom and I've tried underwear. Each time for about a day. Do I just need to keep going for longer ? She didn't seem to care she was wet or that she'd gone to do a pee and poo just wherever she was.

I tried taking her to the potty or toilet whilst she was in underwear/ naked and she cried and screamed and refused to sit on either. I know when she's about to go because she stops what she's doing and looks down etc, it's very clear. So sometimes I would try to encourage her in those moments to go, but nothing. I tried to encourage her to go during moments where she wasn't about to go/ going and she still refused it.

I tried gently putting her down and offering a biscuit if she sits down for a moment etc. i have stickers too ( she doesn't get it at all with the stickers ).

@MissyB1 I've also tried just random half days here and there where she seemed more ' up for it '. She always tells me she's done a poo and also screams and cries when I change her nappy now.

@MissyB1 I have also tried just taking off her nappy when she's actually doing a poo. Or every time I see her starting to go, I remind her to go to the toilet / potty.

Not potty training until four years old?

Mind blown!