DP has contacted his ex split 14 years ago AIBU to be pissed?

[JustAnotherManicMomday]

So long story as short as possible. DP and his ex split up. We got together soon after. Been together 14 years. His ex tried to cause so many problems at the start trying to split us up. She eventually moved on. We have children she does not. So no contact for over a decade(that I know of).

He told me recently a friend mentioned his exs partner of a long time sadly died in an accident and I honestly do feel for her. However I feel that DP should stay well out of it as in that time they had no contact and it seems wrong to insert himself at a time when she has alot going on. In their 4 year relationship everytime he called it off she claimed health issues or pregnancy, miscarriage the lot. Now this is why I don't want him involved.

The other night when he was very drunk he told me firstly that I bore him and then that he had messaged her to see how she's doing and offered support.

Now the following day I confronted him about part 1 and he said this was said because I was trying to wake him up and at the time I was boring him by telling him to go to bed. He was passed out on the sofa and I did not want kids coming down to that in the morning. Could be plausible but I am not sure so I left it at that.

I don't know how to deal with the communication with his ex. When we were first together he took my child from a previous relationship to visit her, he said this was to make her back off and realise we were serious.

I don't know how to confront this or if I should as he will likely deny it, any communication would no doubt have been deleted. He did that way back when he took ds to see her. It was only when ds 2 at the time mentioned her name infront of him that he told me about it saying he took him to make it clear they had no future.

Should I casually ask if the friend who told him has mentioned how she is doing to give him the option to be honest or not say anything?

Personally if my eldest sons fathers wife passed away(ds has had no contact for a long time at his own choosing) I would not make contact as it would seem wrong and out of place given the volatile situation with all the hassle that he gave me and we share a child they do not.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I can't articulate why I think that other than it's a nice thing to do for someone you once cared about.

i think you know you have a man who isn’t truthful and has potential for cheating.

Gosh op. You must be really a jealous and insecure person. Of course he can reach out to his ex in her time of grief.

If my husband told me I bored him we’d be having a serious conversation about our future.

Why did he have your child in his care so soon into the relationship that's utterly bizarre. He only send his condolences. As for being passed out do you mean asleep if so my dh regularly falls asleep on the settee.

These is so much wrong here but this really stood out for me.

When we were first together he took my child from a previous relationship to visit her, he said this was to make her back off and realise we were serious.

Why did you let this happen? Why was your child alone with a man you had just got together with?

Aside from that, the rest of it just sounds shit all round. I definitely would contact my ex if their partner died, but equally I would expect DH to do the same. Why are you with him?

It's not so much about him offering to be there for her. It's about the fact he only mentions it blind drunk. When I asked him about the other thing he said he asked what else he had said. Surely it's not unreasonable to be pissed if his hiding it. Had he said when sober by the way I messaged her to see how she's doing then OK I might not like it but I would understand it. This is more about the fact his trying to keep it a secret.

@alnawire We had been together a year and known each other from about for a lot longer. He knew my ex for years through mutual friends so he wasn't exactly a stranger when we got together. She kept trying to cause issues until she met her partner about 3 years after they split.

People who are saying it's OK for him to reach must be forgetting or over looking the fact that this ex caused trouble and tried to split these two up. I wouldn't like it.

I say this as someone who is on good terms with most of my exs.

If my partner is on ok or good terms with an ex and they lose someone that is one thing, of course reach out
But if someone has caused issue or and tried to split us up no bloody way. Similarly, if one of my exs tried to cause trouble or split me and my current partner up (no matter how long ago) no way would I reach out. Loyalty is loyalty.

I don't think you're wrong to feel u comfortable at all.

When I say first together I meant when we first moved in together. Should have been clearer. This was when we were expecting our ds.

And that is on top of the hiding!

@namechanged4it that was my thoughts. If they were on friendly terms for the past decade and non of the shit had gone down then I wouldn't have an issue. It's the fact she tried telling people my son is not dps and that she would turn up yo his work trying to bring him lunch randomly, luckily when he was pn a day off, or letting herself into his flat at the time as she reckoned she got another key cut before giving him the spare back. He had to change the locks as she was letting herself in.

I think your being unreasonable. I reached out to my ex when a family friend of his died recently and I knew he would be devastated. My DP was completely indifferent

*he reckoned because we came back one day to find her just leaving the flat. You couldn't get in the building without a key and she neighbour upstairs had just moved out.

@Lastqueenofscotland2 did that ex try to destroy your relationship regarding the paternity of your child?

'Been together a year' and 'just got together' are not the same, so one or the other of your accounts isn't accurate. It makes little difference now in any case, but this is a dead relationship.

He’s being a jerk and it sounds like he’s using her bereavement to gain fast intimacy under cover of compassion. When it’s not appropriate to do anything other than send a brief ‘sorry for your loss’.

As a PP said, him calling you boring is a big deal. It’s not ok at all, it’s a damning insult which carries with it the whisper of “I need more/someone else”.

@JosephineGH I would consider it passed out drunk when not easily woken. Think 5 to ten minutes of gently nudging and more mumbling with eyes closed not wanting to move.

If we ignore your insecurity and how she’s behaved in the past, I still think it wholly inappropriate for him to contact her after 14years when she’s incredibly vulnerable. She’s just lost her partner and doesn’t really need an ex from 14 years ago sniffing around. I’m not convinced that he’ll be able to support her appropriately.

@NotDonna I get the impression he doesn't want to support her 'appropriately'

@JustAnotherManicMomday a 'closed' message would have been 'ok' but an open one not! Plus yes, the only telling you when he was drunk! After telling you that you're boring!!

I suspect he meant you're biting in general. If it was what he's trying to pass it off as he'd have said you were being annoying!! Getting someone to go to bed 'boring' doesn't come into it (from the sleepers pov)

he's warning you an affair is on the cards. See a solicitor, find out where you stand, then tell him he's free to go and screw her up more . Plank. Even she doesn't deserve him pestering her right now, hopefully she'll have the sense to tell him to fuck off. But don't take him back.

Two ways of looking at this.. one is that the op is super controlling and unreasonable.

The other way is that it sounds like the partner has form for making contact with women for really tenuous reasons to generate attention/flirtation/a shag

@pastypirate or the OP just doesn't want this person to come in causing caios because they take an offer of support the wrong way. Maybe I would just like life to be normal after the year we have just had with ds2. But that is a whole other story. From experience this person just spells trouble. That's something I would rather avoid. Dp isn't the type to cheat and I would say we are fairly strong as a couple but on the other hand when someone doesn't just tell you they made contact you have to wonder why. On any occasion my sons father has decided to randomly make contact, about ds1 or otherwise I have always shown dp the content and told him about it straight away. To me honesty is important.

And both things are signs that this isn't a healthy relationship and maybe they should think about a conversation about where this relationship is going, because it doesn't look good from where I'm sitting.

You say he was passed out drunk, but that you woke him up.If he woke he was just sleeping, not passed out

Christ almighty. The level of nit picking on Mumsnet these days is outrageous. This comment is really on another level.