To have not ‘achieved’ anything during mat leave

[Saltyaire]

I am due to go back to work next week after 12 months of maternity leave. I had a quick zoom session last week with some colleagues and one of them asked me what I had done during mat leave and I said I had looked after DD but not got round to painting DS’ room (which I really wanted to do but never found time for).

Said colleague then went on about how some women start businesses/do renovations during mat leave and get loads of stuff done but it was nice that I got a chance to ‘relax’. At the time I laughed it off but the more I think about it the more annoyed I am with colleague and also myself.

I didn’t realise mat leave was meant to be a chance for me to reinvent myself but maybe it was and I’ve just been too lazy. It’s my second child and I feel even more exhausted than I did with DS (although I didn’t achieve anything with DS either during mat leave). Should I have done something?! DS goes to nursery 3 days a week otherwise it’s just me and DH doing childcare and DD hasn’t been the best sleeper until the past few months but maybe I have been making excuses. I do see women on instagram doing all sorts of stuff while they are on mat leave but I wonder how they find the time?! Do they have help??

"Baby holiday" FFS I couldn't interpret that as anything other than PA.

If you had a baby then you achieved exactly what you were meant to on may leave.

Ignore your colleague they sound clueless, I say that as a child free woman. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to recognise that manufacturing a whole new human, pushing it out and then meeting every need of a small human who doesn't yet have words to use and doesn't sleep long enough for you to get unbroken rest is bloody hard word. Relaxing my arse, it's why I don't have any!

Congratulations on the new addition to your family.

OP, the "women who do it all" are a combination of personality type, are often in a situation of necessity, and have sheer luck. The luck forming the greater part! Even with the best will in the world, if the stars haven't aligned you can kiss your plans goodbye.

I am an always-on-the-go type of person with over-inflated expectations, so that's likely a tick for the personality type.
DC1 was a bloody nightmare. Very high needs with a 'sleeping is cheating' mentality. My achievements for that year were both of us coming out of it alive and fairly unscathed, getting out of the house to a baby group every day (that was the necessity part kicking in for my sanity), and regularly eating an entire packet of chocolate Hobnobs from underneath a (finally) sleeping baby.
DC2 loved sitting in the bouncer and watching me potter about fron the get-go, and even more bizarrely, enjoyed sleeping! (Who knew some babies slept?! She still hasn't taught her sister this joy though...). We were living in a building site at the time and working off a shoes string having to do a lot of the work ourselves, so the necessity part kicked in alongside the aforementioned luck and personality. I achieved loads that year, but without the good fortune of an 'easy' baby it wouldn't have happened no matter how much I needed it to or how driven I was to try.

However, it is also totally OK to not want to do anything other that healing, bonding, and helping you child to grow during mat leave (I am envious of people who are able to slow down and would feel less frazzled if I could do it too). Your purpose for being off is solely to care for yourself and your baby, and other things shouldn't be slotted in to the detriment of that. Everything else is an optional extra IF you want to AND the hand you've been dealt allows it.

Never a truer sentence said !

Do you know what I did during my maternity leave? I gave birth to a baby and then looked after and kept it alive for a year whilst trying to keep functioning on no sleep. I don't know who these women are treating like its some kind of gap year!

before I went on leave she kept asking me when I would be off on my “baby holiday”.

OML
So she doesn't have DCs

Ignore her and laugh secretly at her. Tell her to "please stop making weird assumptions about what Mat leave is like or for as it isn't helpful & I don't like it. I have a beautiful baby that I gave birth to and have cared for at their most important bonding time. Right now I just want to start to get back to work and have a lot on outside work with a young baby to care for "

Give yourself a break.

one day during mat leave I was annoyed because I couldn’t keep the house sparkling. Had a moan to DH about it who said “it’s so nice of your work to have given you housekeeping leave. “ basically, he reminded me that the time off was to look after our new baby; not do the housework

The achievement is surviving it. Ignore them. Anyone who does better than that must have an easier baby than mine was!

Mat leave is not a sabbatical. It is for u to adjust to adding a new member to the household. If you accomplished that then you did the right thing. Don't pay Madam Fussy Britches any attention about what "other women" do. You are not "other women".

You did do something ... something amazing ... you birthed a human, nurtured it and kept it safe, happy and healthy.... and OMG you also did the same for an older child - what has she done to compare ???

Mat leave is supposed to be a chance for mom & baby to bond & for mom to heal/recover. Its not like a reg vacation. But I've never worked anywhere that gives a year. Its usually 6wks where i am. I would think after a yr, you should have a good schedule down & follow a routine that works for your family. But never, ever live your life by someone elses standards. They aren't you. If it was more important for you to relax & spend that time w your family, than it is what it is.
Besides it sounds like your coworker is either a male or doesn't have children.

Mat leave is for so many core things like to nurture and feed your baby, learning to breastfeed and navigating the various challenges this can bring at different points the first year, recover physically and mentally and bond with the little one. That's enough for me!

I looked after my baby and occasionally/ eventually was organised enough to meet people for coffee or a baby class.
Didn't get a makeover and sadly didn't start a multimillion pound business! I had a to do list for the house I wrote before DD was born- very little got done as I totally underestimated how all consuming she would be!
Don't beat yourself up about it. And when a baby's been screaming at you all night you are allowed to be lazy 😊